Social Indigestion song by Andrea and Darryl was in my ipod today lol, I enjoyed a lot listening to it while I went to the supermarket with my sister to get her first ‘just.-married’ groceries jam. Oh well.
I got a bit pissed with myself in the morning for not catching this very very cool sky filled with clouds then I just walked and walked, had breakfast, the usual stuff. Had quite a cool chat with Niklas on our current experiences. As I was explaining I had this situation going on with this guy V. – the one I met back in 2004 at sonic youth concert – and how my point of merely communicating with him what I’ve seen and realized through desteni got a bit twisted into him wanting to ‘have me’ as someone to talk with but in a ‘something else’ way… see, it showed me how I just wanted to talk/communicate with him in a way to merely share myself but instead, he began making ‘flattering’ comments towards myself as ‘who he thinks I am’ and basically kind of flirting which really felt so awkward to me. I did stand up because in the past, within this very same situation, I would start feeling those tingling butterflies all over my stomach area and I would have all sorts of energetic feelings going on and so, as we know, merely systematic stuff, not me! So this time, as he was saying how ‘attractive’ I seemed to him and how ‘clever’ and clean -minded he thinks I am, I really took it as his opinions towards ‘the idea of myself’ which isn’t me. He is just seeing what I currently am and how I behave, talk and relate myself towards him but he still wants to defend someone’s individuality and personality – begining with himself and his behaviour towards myself. I see that he still ‘hides’ in a way and wants to ‘strike a pose’ to be someone, meaning, a defined personality and this is something that was explained by himself. Well, he also said how he felt tension while communicating with me but I really felt NO tension at all so I made clear that was his reactions as I had felt ‘clear’ all time. So cool having been able to be with him and have no huge reactions because in the past, I would merely see him passing by and I would trip all over. LOL. Much has changed since those times.
Anyways, cool standing up within this though I wouldn’t say that this layer is completely peeled off. This relationshit onion has more layers that I made myself which are yet to uncover. I remembered one of my videos where I talked about using a relationship to hide myself, so true. hiding behind ‘another’. But then, as I was ‘online’ G. ‘the ex-bf’ also communicated with me saying that he wanted to see me. Oh deer, I really see no point in seeing him though I will say and do whatever it takes to not allow any further illusions to be created in both of us towards anything that may happen as ‘coming together’ as in the past. Nope. Not interested, not going there either
Then there’s E. a friend that doesn’t live where I live, he invited me to his city and his house. I am really thinking of going because I would merely relate to him and other firend of ours because of smoking and drinking and music and movies. Though E. was always quite a ‘grounded on earth’ guy and he’s cool so i would like to see him and probably share what’s been up with me this whole year. I saw him one year ago, he stood in my house for a night and so I might go visit now. I’ll see, I really do not want to be a party pooper as that recent experience with the friends of my friend Y. while they were drinking and ‘having their fun’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that once relationships are based on drugs or alcohol, I am incapable of communicating and sharing myself with others that still get drunk and/or consume drugs
I fogive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as a ‘party pooper’ because of not having ‘fun’ as drinking alcohol or smoking weed
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not ‘fitting in’ a place where I used to ‘fit in’ because of smoking weed and drinking alcohol and be rejected because I don’t do any of that anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of ‘what will happen if’ I go meet with people with whom I used to have ‘bonds’ because of smoking pot and/or drinking alcohol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being on drugs or alcohol and thinking, believing and perceiving that the fact that i do not take drugs anymore or drink alcohol is able to affect who I am with others }
Yes so, I’ll take that into consideration. A bit change of air wouldn’t be that bad.
Everyday I’m getting to know more direct effects of the current economic situation, man, it’s tough. Well first of all I have to say that I overly judged my sister for the kind of lifestyle she’ll be living in her new life as a wife. THe places she went with her hubby were a waste of money for sure and I got pissed from the moment I knew that they both wanted to spend money in the States. Yikes. She told me how ‘surprised’ she was seeing this family in the partking lot of a Dennys in Anaheim where they – father, sons and mother – intercepted another family, talked with them and suddenly began singing so they could get some coins from the others. She was quite moved by this because THEN she realized: OH the recession is baaad! – I said, yes, it’s quite big there in California specifically. She also said how one woman that looked ‘middle class’ was attending them at that Denny’s and how it was her first day as a waitress there because this other latin girl was showing her how to do things, what to ask to customers etc. ANother surprising thing’ for her was a man that sat in the middle of las vegas holding this annoucement saying ‘I lost my job at ::::::: I need to eat’ and she said how he sat there just waiting for someone to have mercy and give him some money. I see how to her it’s all about how ‘well’ they look meaning, how clothes denote certain social status, how even the hair and makeup and physical appearance to her denotes a certain ‘lifestyle’ which those people have just given up by losing their homes, jobs and all they had as material wealth. Fuick, the Job story is now running in the movie of our lifes.
My friend Y. dreamed of standing infront of a big fire consuming it all and at the same time, seeing the sunset. That image to me seemed wonderful as I see fire as purification, any and all disasters won’t be a ‘just because’ situation, we know why nature is standing up, we know why there is and will be more suffering as we already are aware of what we’ve done constantly and continuously to this world by not regarding this world as ourselves, as life. He lost his recently bought glasses – which weren’t so cheap after all – by going out into a club and having been desillusioned by ‘the hand of love’ ah what it takes for us to see what we are doing to ourselves. He’s got no money at the moment and so I offered lending him some so he might actually take the word for it and use it to get by.
Denying, wanting to deny what we are doing, what we are creating is also part of the blindfolding state we live in, what I say is ‘what’ll take for us to see’ certainly anything that comes knocking to our door is an opportunity to realize what we really are beyond anything that we may think of ourselves as.
All and everything is reduced to ashes when it comes to boiling down our existence to one point, that point of life.
WIthin my personal experience I’m having terrible TERrible pains i my back, upper back shoulder blades, scapula etc. for almost 4 or more days now. The sf on men has eased some pain in the right side, now it’s gone to the left side. Have had some ‘crashes’ with my parents. they seem to be distressed by the way I express myself, they sometimes want to shut me up like my ‘mother’. Also it isn’t cool seeing how the cousin I had actually shared what desteni is and about self forgiveness is still pretty much into her own world as wanting to fit in and being nice and cool as any other girl of her age (about 18) and how my parents are really sometimes REALLY bothered by what I express and how I ‘think’ which breaks their most inner illusions. THey are the "living" proof of people that rather remain blindfolded with fabric of sensations, of illusions instead of opening eyes for real. See the point, as I was discussing with Niklas, is that they criticize stuff such as tv programs yet they watch it. Lol what’s the point within that? and this is but an example of many other ways they ‘lead’ their lives without actually living their words and it is actually quite weird to me having people that live this way as parents. Feels completely backwards to me. Though I stop judgment as this clearly shows the separation I’ve created within myself towards them.
Yes, it’s like we’ve realized how it’s actually easier to communicate with people, anyone, but when it comes to family it’s as if we’re so used to being complaining and getting angry-frustrated for them being deliberately dishonest. Just as I wrote the other day, merely changing the topic just like that in a second because of not wanting to be aware of stuff that will surely disturb their ‘inner peace’. Wow.
Yet, I see and participate within the waves of people going to supermarkets buying stuff for their xmas dinner. Really, wow. This world as th one I get to live in becomes more and more artificial, more plastic, lifeless at high speed rates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see complaining, bitching, yelling, getting angry and frustrated towards family members as something ‘normal’ as somthing that I’m allowed to do because I have done it throughout my life existence with them instead of seeing that I’m separating myself from them as thinking of them as ‘special’ group of people that are different from anyone else with whom I am actually able to communicate without such reactions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my parents and sisters at times when they do not want to see and open eyes for what’s really going on within this world and seeing the reality we live in beyond our world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive fighting against parents as normal instead of realizing that it’s merely me fighting against myself within the desire of blamiing someone for the current way the world is, not realizing I am the one that did this, so I take rsponsability
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego by creating my point of view as the ‘ultimate truth’ instead of seeing that it isn’t ‘my truth’ but common sense as what is really going on within this world. I do not accept and allow myself to be knowledge and information taht I haven’t lived myself first hand: I stay practical
Ok. So this fabric of sensations have to be replaced by the actual life knitting that isn’t industrially made. yes, I have to rebuild myself within self honesty because what’s the point in keeping ‘life’ as it currently is, Nope, things will only get worse if this doesn’t definitely stop. And not wanting to see this is the real desire for self preservation, belief in individuality and personal realization
cool points discussed in conversation indeed! Supporting ourselves as one and equals is definitely the way to go.
Here I leave this video as it’s cool tune and one of my favorite lyrics so far from desteni jam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmAMtpLtXN0