Yesterday the pains in my back were the worst and I went to A’s house and I couldn’t help but being touching my back and making some massaging to ease the pain. He eventually did that for me and it hurt a LOT very very much and as I continued lying on the floor I felt the pains all over my body, almost all the spots I touched signified pain for me. Calvez, heels, fore-arm specific points in the back where I can feel like swollen tissues. And suddenly as I was lying in the floor and resting after having felt all that pain while having the back massaged, I was listening to A’s music, touching my body in pain and began to cry. I cried and cried and it was this huge HUGE sadness and suffering that I couldn’t just hold inside me anymore, nor did I know such strong feelings and emotions existed within me… could this be the big bag of shit as burden on my back? Yes something like that I’ve been told by Andrea once and in my tree of life interview, the back point, those scapula points and so I just cried and A. got a bit concerned and I got to a point where I didn’t know WHY I was crying, I just was crying and it felt good, very good, it was like exerting all this sadness that I was carrying though, I still feel it was like this superficial layer of the onion within these emotions and feelings. I hadn’t cried with such strength in a long time. Lol and at the moment some marimba guys are playing music in front of our house, it’s cool, happy music. Anyways, I felt sad and I knew that it had been like the boling point of all the stuff I have been aware and maybe just another over-reaction to a day where the world talks about happyness and love and joy where reality is all but that. Also because I realize another part of me is dying as I do not see any point in any of these days where humans buy things to be happy with one another for a couple of moments where in fact, the rest of the year is loaded with bullshit against one another, against ourselves. Quite a crappy deal we’ve created for ourselves, what hypocrisy, what a LIE and dreamworld time where we don’t want to see the ‘ugly’ as the reality of this world. That’s what tormented me and a bunch of other things such as realizing my relationship with others in my world where I cannot pretend to abide to their beliefs and have fun and be "joy" just for such a day. fuck no, I am joy whenever it is an expression of me not because a xmas gift card says so. I cannot pretend at all and I’ve never been good at lieing, pretending, nope, if there’s something that’s clear with mysel is that if I’m not ‘ok’ or ‘getting along’ with people or situation, I make it clearly visible as the way I look, make gestures or act which I see is merely reacting but also making the statement of ‘I’m not swallowing what you’re doing/saying’
So after I cried and spent time just lying in A’s bed facing my body down I felt enormous sadness which I just stopped by focusing in breathing and stopping any other bullshit because I realized that within this I was actually supporting the suffering, sadness and depression within this world. These kind of eventual depressions/ down states within me can only last for so long, though this time I actually made the statement to breath and not allow any more bullshit from me. I had cried, had gotten rid of that and so I move on.
I then went to buy some presents for my parents, sisters and their respective hubbies lol, well I really REALLY got m yself to do that because I knew that I would get presents as well and I thought that If I bought something I would buy something that they could use to shower with or stuff like that so I did that, bought stuff for bath and lol personal cleaning for 6 people, my family ‘grew’ this day while the integration of both men in my family took place. Oh well.
I got questioned by Ale – a guy from Chile in the forum – what I would do in xmas and I said that I would have dinner at home just like any other dinner with family, sharing meals and that’s it, there’s no meaning as religion or any of that, merely that tradition that they recreate here every year. Really, I didn’t react this time it was just having another meeting with family, eating, but no real celebration or any shite of that. Eating and giving prsents. I got useful stuff such as socks and panties lol and pj’s and clothes to be comfortably around so that was cool, they got the message that I’m not anymore interested in getting stuff that you may probably never use. Well we all know this jejune activities within these ‘holiday seasons’
And today I just shared food with A. as my parents wouldn’t invite him to come over nor would he accept coming, I cannot believe how this childish games still exist in my world. Though, it is about them and what they think of each other because I’ve already talked with both and they seem to have ‘no problem’ though they won’t face themselves. I concentrate on myself.
In the past, as a child, I would feel this special ‘feeling’ in the air when one could really co-create such much talked harmony and joy and grace that all these days seemed to be about, though really, now I see how it is a matter or participating within that withouit realizing what we are really hiding and creating as polarity point within this world. I always, in past xmasses, had the sufering, sadness feeling within me because I would always think of everyone that would have no family, that would have no food to eat, that would have no shelter from the cold, that would get no presents from santa and or the three wise men in january, all that stuf always concerned me, even as a little girl though I had to ‘turn the page’ to be happy and merry and so on. As I went growing up I saw the deception as consummerism, lies, hypocrisy within the actual giving of a gift at times and well, you may find any other situation within this mixture of ‘meanings’ that supposedly xmas has.
I do not shut my mouth when having to express what the real deal is, I do not shut my mouth even if what I’m about to say is inapropiate though yesterday I behaved quite well – lol – because I also notice how now my family is actually caring about not saying/doing anything that I can disclaim in any way, which I wouldn’t say is bood or gad lol, but shows how they recognize their own bullshit and so, avoid expressing it infront of me to avoid any conflict. Fuick, see how far we’ve gotten. Though I see that within myself it’s as if I’m still going ‘against’ what the day meant and against what is usually done/said which is also co-creating the counterpart and I guess that was another reason for me experiencing such sadness in the morning. So I got it, I have to stop any and all bullshit coming from me as well as the ‘counterpart’ of everything that I don’t necessarily agree/ follow/ practice such as these days. Let’s dissolve the meaning to it and be aware of humanity as ourselves, as me in every single day, and stop by being int he breath and not allowing the co-creation of more suffering, sadness by sticking to the happy-created side of this life which fades away as soon as the food, the wine and the presents are eaten, drunk or delivered.
Why only think of such days to be a part of this world, to be ‘one with the other’ lol, that’s the fuck up situation within this, lol, I don’t abide with any of this, I cannot pretend there’s a beautiful lie for a day or two that dissolves the suffering, the hunger, the violence and discrimination within this world.
I just am HEre and what comes is already HERE and as I said to my mother this morning: We are left only to facer ourselves, she said to face WHO? I said OURSELVES! that’s it.
there’s no enigma on it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my past as a burden which I carry in my shoulders and blame it as the reason for having a hunched back
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of standing up straight because of my breasts being more noticeable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around hunched bevcause of not wanting to be ‘snotty’ in standing up straight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry because of ‘how the world is’ today
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for not being able to stop my crying that had no clear reason to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit embarrassed by crying infront of A.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid while crying with no apparent reason or purpose
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop questioning why do I cry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within myself towards myself for allowing me to be existing in the mind and be creating-co creating these pains all over my back and body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this day as horrible for what it is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of realizing that there’s no point within this life at all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable when realizing that I am crying for the loss of myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cry out of shame and fear of what is to come
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this life as a burden and place it on my back as carrying the world within me instead of standing one and equal to it and just breathing as who and what I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making others feel sad because of seeing me cry or being sad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad for no apparent reason
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the unified consciousness field for my crying experience instead of realizing that it is me crying out of exerting a burden
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not caring about my body and walking around hunched not realizing that my back is hurting because of my position
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from expressing myself around others because of not wanting to ‘hurt’ them and ‘ruin’ the party for them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less that who I really am and allow me to be sad, angry and cry out of self pity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable for having cried out of the blue
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within regret for not having cared about my body before
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘what have I done, what have I become?’ and thinking that it’s too late to do something
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire creating a solution ont realizing that this merely limits and defines myself
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just BE and stop all the bullshit that leads me to suffer
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings and emotions with regards to how this world is currently going through and how we all create that because in suffering and being sad, i actually supported suffering in this world
I do not accept and allow myself to co-create suffering within this world, I stop the sadness, i stop carrying around the past as a burden
For multiply users: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=746cAMUhfC4