Why would we ever want to preserve who we think we are? why would we want to keep our apparently ‘important’ lives as if it was the most important thing in this world, this lives as ‘who we think we are’, fuck that makes actually no sense while seeing what we’ve done within this world, literally gnawing life. Why break bones and bodies while trying to defend a lie as a beLIEf? why would any of us hold on to who we think and waht we think we are and do within this world. Self preservation, puaj! Anyways, as this sounds just the ‘reasonable’ thing to say it may sound the most lunatic words to those who don’t even know – and aren’t even interested in finding out – that we are programmed systems predefined to live as if we were ‘real’ in any way life after life. lol. What a cosmic joke indeed. The illusion.
I am back here in my city and all I can say is that I enjoyed spending my time in E’s house, being calm. What I enjoyed the most is just being in a house where at least nature is nearer, lots of plants and spending my time merely being there. Helping around with washing dishes and enjoying the delicous food his mother makes. That was very cool. We went out in the night for some coffee and his mother is quite a traditional watercolor artist, and she asked me some stuff about my career and I was kind of thinking how I enjoy that though, as I’ve said many times, it isn’t my priority, though it’s also a way to move myself.
I had the opportunity to be alone with E and we finally talked outside of his home while gazing at the stars – yep, second night in a row, quite cool – and talking about his life and how he usually lives it in personal experience. It was actually quite cool discovering that he’s got almost the same ‘points of view’ that we’ve all discovered in common sense at desteni, except for the fact of his video game addiction and the joints or alcohol he takes, but the rest of his life he described as being directing himself, moving himself to earn money and going through this world. he explaine dhow he is always thinking and I saw fuzzy logic ways of analyzing as If, then , etc. I told him and he explained how he stopped himself from certain ‘impulses’ because of his thoughts so I talked about limitation while filtering his expression through his scheme of mind, his structures, he’s quite a mental-brainy guy but I can also see that he sees the core and essence of who we are beyond what we have and he isn’t cherishing not even his most valued stuff -as his super computer that allows him to play all those games – and so it was actually quite cool talking with him. we spent almost 3 hours talking at night and I enjoyed that, we converged in some points yet, as many of the people I’ve been related with, still defending the joints and alcohol in a way. THis is one of the strongest points of resistance from people around me, people I’ve been – in one way or another – related to, it has become a way of apparently ‘being free’ from rules within society – what’s socially acceptable and what’s not – and also a way to rebel against the nearest authority such as parents in an apparent non-direct way.
So that was it I really experienced this talk as cool even though he placed resistance because he felt he was being examinated just like any other doctor would do onto him. I chilled things down but I see that he’s carrying with a lot of stuff he’s been through. I saw within myself the desire to help him, to make him see some stuff that’s he’s currently wanting to deny. I wanted to give him some tender and I don’t know why, I see sadness within his expression … and carrying a lot of unnecessary baggage as blames and regrets. WE’ll see, maybe he comes here in few weeks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having the desire to help E. to ‘sort out’ his problems by impossing myself instead of him having the iniciative to do so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desires to caress and give tender to E because of me perceiving him as being chronically sad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having desired saving E. and people like him who are used to take drugs or drink alcohol in order to waste themselves and nto live ,not face themselves
I will myself to live beyond limitations of the mind
I do not accept and allow myself to create expectations of a certain event an therefore, construct and limitate my ability to express myself uncondtionally in the moment without filtering and over analyizing my words as expression of me
I do not accept and allow myself to resist change as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I’ve always been’ because of mantaining such image and perception from the people.
Cool that was for my friend and myself as one and equal
pushing our own limitations beyond how and what we think we are as how we’ve always been