I see how a problem-less life is seen as a boring life just because it has ‘always been’ so usual to have people suffering and dealing with shit all time, because they/we create it so, because it seems that only breathing here and realizing "I am alive" isn’t ‘that much’ for ourselves so that’s why we decide and get into shit to make our lives of ‘worth’ and interesting’ to others.
So spend the day yesterday making appearances with family. Had an unexpected visit from grandfather in my house and he began questioning my aim, my goal within art and what and who I want to be. I couldn’t just answer to his question, it has been one of the most uncomfortable questions I’ve received and it didn’t matter to me that it was my grandfather making it, I wasn’t going to just stick and make his dreams come true of saying ‘I want to be the best artist in the world!" nope, and so I just answered that I will just keep doing what I’m doing and see where it goes with that. I said and explained how ‘to be the best of the world’ is one of the usual ‘goals’ with artists yet, I was merely going to do what I am doing and that’s it. He was a bit unsatisfied for not hearing from me such words as ‘I am going to be the GReATEST""! mainly because I don’t want to create expectations or compromise myself. Though I see how fear of failure also came up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in being able to make a living out of art creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my commitment with myself beyond desires and expectations of who and what I want or should be just to make my grandfather happy.
He continued seeing the stuff, he isn’t much into art so he merely – as any family member would – said it was very nice and blablabla, really I realize that I do this but don’t expect and don’t like my parents lifting me up as if I was the greatest painter or artist or whatever in the world, they enjoy showing me off and that’s something that has always bothered me, extensively. Yet I’ve also gone through the opposite point of them not caring about what I do and it wasn’t cool either bvecause I was still seeking for recognition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire recognition for the works as art I did and in doing so, use it as an excuse to continue doing so, instead of unconditionally express me regardless of it being appreciated by others or not.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become ashamed of my parents showing me off because I realize that they talk too much and create a ‘great thing’ out of something that isn’t so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable with having to have a certain, deliberate, created aim within what I do as art.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get down because of realizing that it is just ‘stuff’ I do without any real value or meaning not ralizing that it is only my desires to give value and meaning to stuff which creates the fuck up of ‘getting to be something’ or ‘looking up for’ a certain moment where ‘I am of worth and value within art world’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up to the expectations of my family within what I do such as art if I someday decide to give it all up in means of something that is effectively greeting the world as me, assisting and supporting all
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by thinking that I cannot stand up within art
yes so this experience was quite tricky to me yet, I’ve seen that I do not compromise me in such ways any longer not mattering how ‘important’ such person is – or should be – in my world.
It’s been quite draining as well discussing with A. and how he points out that I am always wanting to share my ‘knowledge’ in a forced way in any opportunity I get, mostly with him because he’s the person I communicate with the most these days. I’ve realized that what most people criticize about it is the ‘coldness’ that comes when you say: well stop thinking that, you’re not that, stop suffering, move yourself! because it is as if you ‘didn’t care’ about ‘others feelings’ not realizing that one is merely not allowing suffering from others, yet, i see it is cool to merely talk but actually WALKING THE TALK is another thing. Been around family and ‘friends’ all time is another experience because I’m used to being here 3 days a week and then leaving off to do my own thing alone.
I’ve seen and realized how opinions are useless, how they disrupt everything as we won’t ever think the same way from an individual starting point, nope. And this can only change if our starting point is oneness and equality for EVERYTING we do in this world. Man, It takes time, it takes discipline and real application mostly because how could we even be supporting another if we don’t fully apply ourselves in every single moment. Wow. Then that would be such a lie, right? As I was just talking with another man, It’s all about YOu and only you who is able to change yourself, no one is. Others may only point out at you what is still running within you as prejudices, opinons and ‘ways of being’ as that which would be our ingrained ways of being, those ways that move ourselves and limit ourselves because it is a limitation by not being able to do ‘any different from what I’m always used to’ fuck for example, ways of having fun. I cannot see myself having fun going to a club and dancing all around and that’s a limitation I’ve imposed to myself according to ‘my personality’ and how I wouldn’t like to do such a thing, And within this, I am limiting and defining myself, yet it is also my own choice to have other ways of ‘having fun’ which are definitely activities that are calm, merely talking with others, walking, drinking coffee, lol the usual in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create limitations towards how I should be and how I should have fun according to the personality of mind I’ve created within myself as myself which I am not.
I watched a cool movie called Tinderland which is about the view of a kid on this sick world and it’s re lationships. An innocent view on how things would be defined by a kid instead of our own adult schemes of mind.
Well I played with my sisters and their hubbies and my mother some game which we eventually ended up winning and it was cool sharing that for a moment yet, I see how they really had to push for me to go downstairs, sit and share the game with them. I am such a hard knob to turn and open myself. I can only see who I’ve become by interacting with others, because in my mind, I’m just ‘alright’ though it is when discussing with others that I am left to see how I react, what is still moving myself without my complete awareness of being falling back into ‘the old me’ which isn’t real anyways. MUCH to still be applied.
So that’s it for now