I share one video I made with some of the interview on who we are as SOUND so here it is:
direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td0kkNgEu3w
Ok so self judgment made it’s way as a pimple in my forehead, lol yes I was talking about my physics on friday and I didn’t realize that I was still denying the same points and judging even more for the weight i’ve gained from all the chocolates and season’s foods. It’s quite hard when you realize that you’ve been abusing yourself while abusing the eating of food and making such cheap excuses as ‘it’s because of the holidays’ because then I am mocking myself because I do not stand with what "holidays" are so.. yes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and make up excuses to eat more food that the one I need to sustain my physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for gaining weight because of having eaten more than what i need to therefore, blaming and judging myself for doing so as well as it merely adds up to the self judgment overall
I just turned on the tv, IsRaEL is full on Ghaza, fuck. How I am able to sit these last two afternoons in my comfortable couch watching movies while people that IS ALSO ME is dying and hurting and losing homes and having no water or food to survive, just because of some fucking ideas.
So I’ve had swollen tonsils and I’ve been through this before yet can’t pinpoint the cause of it. Enlightened self interest yet don’t know exactly what might’ve caused this. I thought it was something I ate because my whole body ached as an intoxication yet, I didn’t have any problems with my usual digestion. Took antibiotics, not cool for my body but the pains in the joints of my body were calmed down.Still feeling swollen tonsil. I’ve been massaging myself in the back and receiving them as well and all I feel is TERRIBLE instense pain which becomes lighter as times goes by after having some knots pressed over and over. It is hard pain, and it’s this whole stiffness that surely indicates the existence of me as the mind and fucking god knows what else. I had been suggested it’s about past yet, I touch various points within my body and they all ache in a higher or lower intensity. It is really something that I wasn’t aware of before, the pains in my body and this is something that has been going on for quite some time so I’m learning to give myself massages. My legs tingle at times as if wanting to talk hehe
I just watched some movie with Heath Ledger on it and I wanted to see his role and that which he had to face in the afterlife within this role, man, not cool at all. Various problems were in that movie called ‘Candy’ as drug addiction, prostitution, junkism, co-dependency, marriage as a false tie, abortion, mental disorders and general evasion from the real world while thinking that ‘love’ is all they need HA HA. Well the movie is divided from Heaven to Hell and the last part of hell, which is the end of the movie is cool because Heath – well, his role – actually breaks the enslavement within the cycle and that’s the best part I enjoyed from the movie, watching him overcome those chemical reactions triggered by memories of past experiences and stand up and say NO more. Cheers to that. How tough it must be to confront yourself even in movie roles you made. Well, actors living in ‘fiction’. I realize fiction doesn’t exist because it was manifested in the physical if it’s in a movie, don’t know about books but if it exists here then how could we divide reality from fiction. Interesting.
I judged my mother for being so snotty – I think this is the word – with people that are there to ‘serve’ her such as waitresses and waiters in restaurants or girl that helping house or anyone else that she sees as ‘making a job for her’. I, along with my father, pointed this out to her and she felt offended YET next time she tried to be ‘nicer’ to the girl that was bringing us our food at restaurant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mymother as snotty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still keep a profound rejection towards my mother and her ways of treating others who she consider are ‘below’ her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still react when she points out ‘it’s too late to go out’ when it’s 8:00 pm
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and disturbed by the way mother treats other people because she doesn’t STILL consider them as one and equals to her
As I’ve said and repeated her MANy times, got issues with her though I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mother for the way she moves within her world and the way she treats people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as hypocrite.
I forgive marlen as who I think I am for all the times that I’ve judged margarita – as my mother- for the ways she reacts to certain events as dealing with people who is seen as ‘lower than her’ in some activities.
Well not so many action today merely watching movies and that’s it.