being a stub

So I didn’t go out at all today, recovering from tonsilitis and realizing: fuck I do exist still as self interest, what a fall. I read in forums on stubborness and actually I see this pattern coming directly form my grandmother – who I happen to judge extensively due to her imposing,obsessive, stubborn ways of being towards others without realizing " oh fuck, that’s me as well" directly and indirectly. So to me it’s like the ‘my way’ statement: my ideas, my perceptions, this is MY TRUTH and so it also has to be YOUR truth as well. That kind of stuff that lies on knowledge and information that I push too hard to get into others instead of being the living example, the living practical example I go into knowledge of what is it that I’m into and what i am doing. It is STILL the need to have the ultimate undeniable truth then, using oneness and equality as a flag that I merely wear to move within my world instead of BEING so, living it which is quite a big fuck up yet I don’t judge or it will merely compound what I’ve already done and manifested within my physical body.  See, soemtimes looking for such points to dig out aren’t really such a deep dig but merely what lies almost in a superficial level which we take as ‘acceptable’ and in doing so, we trap ourselves in our accepted dishonesties.

Reading on demons is also quite cool because it changes the whole view and perspective I had on demons. Realizing that nothing can harm you really, and that such ‘posessions’ are and will be merely showing ourselves our own accepted and allowed nature which is a compounding process because, how else would we be able to see such manifestations within us if they don’t completely take over our minds and make us see how we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as. So I embrace whatever has to step on for me to realize what I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated with ‘my way’ of how things have to be and wanting others to adopt my ‘way of thinking’ instead of realizing that it isn’t about thinking, but changing who are within all that we do, meaning what’s practical within everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire everyone ‘turning into my truth’ and completely denying anything that they may believe on without actually listening and seeing the common sense within it, but instead becoming imperative as ‘what they have to do’ and ‘what is the path to follow’ as the one and only truth of ourselves

See these are points where I see I tend to be quite strict when someone is ‘falling’ in dishonesty, to the point of getting angry or frustrated or aggitated by such confrontation

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become agitated, aggressive towards people that do not understand what I’m trying to explain about oneness and equality and how to get rid of beliefs because of them taking things on to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling in my own tramp as not living what I’m talking about therefore, merely talking and explaining but not living that which I am explaining fully and completely yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having more of that ‘something’ which I like very much in case ‘it runs out’

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessive in my behaviour as eating without awareness even If I’m filled up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become embarrassed as I type these words because of accepting the fact that I’m not yet present here as every breath as who I really am and instead, give into systems of the mind telling and guiding me what to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up excuses to my dishonesties, so I don’t feel ‘guilty’ afterwards

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to push ideas and concepts of what is to be one and equal instead of realizing that there are no concepts or ideas for this but merely the process of self forgiveness to share how we are finally able to become one and equal with ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate fully what I have to do because of thinking that there’s something ‘better’ to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a stubborn when I want things to be done my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and unpure by being sick not realizing that it isa ctually pain the one that gives me the awareness of something not being cool within me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still fear falling into old habits and making them ‘me’ again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to momentarily feel bad when people tells me to ‘shut up’ when they are already ‘fed up’ with what I have to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into submission when people tell me to shut up already

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed when I expect the same response from others as who I want them to be towards me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take anyone into consideration while I’m explaining myself out and therefore, not have the ‘tact’ to speak, explain and direct words towards them. LOL I just wrote WORTHS instead of WORDS. oops

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my words as always worth of being listened or  valuable, more than others’ in some cases

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become used to being praised by ‘what I speak’ ever since a little child, therefore, fearing sometimes being rejected for ‘what I have to say’ because of not knowing how to react in such situations

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be facing myself amongst people in my world as the relationships I created where i see my dishonesties and how it creates ties amongst others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’m being to hard towards myself at times by not allowing me to enjoy myself openly but still hold restrictions towards things that I used to do.

See I just read something that I hadn’t read at the forum as the enjoyment of alcohol or weed and that changed the whole perspective that I had towards that. Anyways, I’m almost 10 months weed-free and I haven’t tasted great amoutns of alcohol and for now I’m ok. The time will come,maybe. Not to worry or hurry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood anyone doesn’t want to hear about self honesty and oneness and equality not realizing it’s not about ME but about them and how they stand towards such topics.

I forgive mysel fthat I have accepted and allowed myself to find it still hard to follow my breath all day long therefore, allowing me to fall in the mind as cycles throughout the day.

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the ‘relationships’ I had ‘fixed’ already

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a great weight when I think about going back to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire finding someone to be in an agreement with because I think that I cannot do this by myself, which is mere mind fuck and not standing one and equal to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas of what oneness and equality is instead of realizing that oneness and equality is what IS already and isn’t definable or a concept, but a living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘a pain in the ass’ for some people in my world beause of repeating the same over and over again when they’ve already explained that they do not want to hear what is HERE.

ok thanks!

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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