These last few days have been just being here.
I phoned yesterday a new friend who is my friend’s Y friend and she recently had surgery to get some tumors removed. She explained how her uterus and cervix was infested with big size tumors and well, she’s quite a strong person willing to live so I could hear her alright being quite ‘active’ as the first time I met her which was before she went through this surgery a few weeks ago. Well she explained how she got quite unpleasant reactions to the anesthetics which left her two days without being aware of her body – sort of like coma – and she had quite a ‘trip’ in her head where she said she saw the usual tunnel and dead relatives she talked to. She explained how some parts were quite nice but then, some others weren’t so at all. She got a perspective from a friend of hers that has undergone shamanic trips etc and said that yes, she’d went to a trip but she went alone that’s why it was so bad at times meaning, not having a voice outside to guide her.
My perspective to that was that yes, she was high on drugs and that all she saw was within her mind as her memories because of the brain not being able to direct the body, so it relies on the mind from what’s already there. And there was this moment that was specific for her when she heard this voice – which was of course her voice – saying: I am BACK! as if making a statement of ok, it’s done with this, I’m going back to direct my body and so she did. After a while from that she opened her eyes, got up and she realized that some blood during the surgery had gone to her lungs which lungs, wisely enough, had wrapped in mucous so first thing she did when coming back was peeing and then she threw away all that blood that had infiltrated within her lungs. Man, it was as if she have had another illness besides her already tough-to-go-through surgery. As I listened to this, I could hear her with a vital voice, quite nice to hear from someone that most likely got all her matrix removed from such cancer manifestations.
So the next thing I suggested for her to support herself is that, now that the doctor had removed the physical parts of the illness, she had to co-help the process by purifying herself. That she could begin writing whatever she remembers from such a trip and how she experienced herself because it’s all her mind and so, it was to heal herself to be stable. Also suggested to write statements of willing herself to live, to no more accept and allow illness to infiltrate within her so she could direct herself as her body as her mind one and equal to stand up from what she’s been through. I certainly will go visit her one of these days to explain and go deeper within this. Getting to the cause of such cancer so she stops all regrets, suppression that she might’ve had within her being a mother or towards her mother or marriage – at this stage I know she had a bit of a troubled relationship with her mother so this could be it – and so, assist her so she can assist herself.
She’s still too much into meditation and prayers and such, I had already told her that I’m not into that anymore but I’ll explain deeper once going to her house.
Well I experienced frustration today while drawing, it got so meaningless, I just went into thoughts of: this has no importance in any way whatsoever, I’m not even enjoying this at the moment, just drawing lines in such a defined piece of paper… then there’s school and all that stuff which definitely manages to ruin my moment when thinking: oh I have to go back at some point and do this and that. blablabla
I’ve been out of my discipline of sleep as well, after the excuse of being sick I’ve been sleeping around 7 hours which might the the reason of how I’ve experienced myself.
Ah yes, I went to some museums on thursday, the day that i finally was able to go out and it all was ‘nice’ to me, but meaningless. except for the sculptures of this danish artist that had this head clay sculpture with a ‘mask’ on smiling called ‘the pretender’ so we all know that such human states are futile indeed. Besides that paintings and some textiles and objects and whatnot were just another add on to the day, meaning, not transcendent at all. So this is the point all times, how can art be a "life changing experience" – if poissible- and make people see that we are all creating this. It’s true, as I was reading some of the stuff Timeless wrote – if we think of the whole as the outside and the effects on it it gets massive, ‘too much to handle’ yet it’s all about us. And I see that it comes from my desire to still save something that is already manifested, there, and where i can only change the way I experience myself through those situations. Much has been cleared up from reading cool stuff at the forum related to demons and its existence at the moment, how they will take over merely to show ourselves as how we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become. Fuick it will really take lots of awareness to not get caught in such whirlpools of the mind and thinking that ‘we cannot changer/stop’ in such moment.
I watched the movie eXistenZ and well the perspective of how reality is placed through fiction/reality in terms of a game in this case was interesting. Taking roles as actions, personalities as full characters that played a role to get something done, make life ‘interesting’. LOL that is something that I certainly recognized.
For example, when I was younger and I would make my life more ‘interesting’ by being in my own created depression, melancholy and just full blown desire to be in a relationship because that ‘apparently’ would get me out of my hole. lol. And so I created such emotions and feelings as a yearning for such relationship that would occupy my mind, my beingness so i would feel alive. Yikes, such an ingrained pattern that I’m still going through. Although at the moment it isn’t the desire for a relationship in such old antique terms, no, but walking with someone this process, that’d be cool. But for now I stop all the yearnings and dreams because I am facing myself at the moment and there’s nothing to worry or desire anyways. BUt yeah that has been mainly it these days. And enjoying these times where I still don’t have to go to school ehehe oh, fuck, school.
It’s cool because before I would feel this ‘void’ in such situations but at the moment I just am and that’s it. hehe simplicity is cool as well. Whenever I’m just sitting in the couch our outside and doing nothing but breathing and being alive is such an enjoyment for me, having no worries, no thoughts that disturb me with ‘oh I have to go soon!"’ or anything like that.
welly well thanks
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I always have to write about something interesting or outstanding to share in my blog instead of just sharing me here
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to drift away into thoughts of desiring to spend my time with someone that is also willing to support himself to walk this process within an agreement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incapable of enjoying myself fully here because of not being around people that are also willing to fully enjoy themselves without the need of any drug or alcohol or any extra-ordinary experience
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become scared by my own thoughts when getting hints of destruction against another not realizing that this is the mind as thoughts that must be stopped in the moment forgiving myself from them instead of actually fearing them coming out from me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the character of an ‘unusual person’ such as ‘an artist’ because that’s how people see me and because certain psychologist tagged me as that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as different from others because of how I live through the day, how i walk in the streets and how I observe everything not realizing that the observer also falls in the trap so it’s merely observing myself through a filter of who I think myself to be, instead of realizing hey, it’s me.
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a future moment where I will have to go to school and therefore exist in worry and preoccupation of a future event instead of just being here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subversive against ideas such as meditations, chants, prayers not realizing that it isn’t about going against but bringing common sense within that and sharing this with people that is involved in such practices to realize that we are responsible and that nothing will change, harmonize or stabilize us but ourselves by standing one and equal to the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be living here in the moment by thinking ‘what I could be doing to support others?’
Ok got to go by