The illusion of confusion

OK I was writing here and it got erased by some awkward reason.

The current state I am in having gone through one long discussion – yet again – yes law of stupidity knocking at my door and well it’s got to do with me judging people, that’s all so I’ll write self forgiveness about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this woman E. for being a fearful and preoccupied person without realizing that her fears are actually creating her world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge E. for her gullibility towards everything that goes around in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge E. as being too ‘sweet’ and taking her as being hypocrite towards others with such attitude

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as deliberate judgment towards E. because I just ‘don’t like her’ as who she is not realizing that it’s her thought as opinions which I am struggling with which are showing me parts of myself that I still have to forgive myself for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get tired just by listening conversations of my mother with E.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry because of E. being invited to have lunch with us and me getting frustrated because of having to listen to their conversations again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bother by E’s attitude as being sugar coated all time meaning, being too delicate and sweet towards everyone because I consider that to be a lie and not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express my discomfort with gestures that I do not want her to be having lunch with us

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to despise a being just by their thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate against others like E. just because of considering her and them to be ‘less’ because of them not realizing what they are doing within their minds as their thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply the self forgiveness I had spoken towards E because of allowing me to fall into thoughts of rejection towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that my father not talking to me is a  rejection attitude towards who and what I am at this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become intolerant with people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others because of THINKING

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise someone just because of their opinions and the way they live their life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back in to the ‘saviour syndrome’ without noticing and hiding it behind – not allowing dishonesties within a being

See this is a BIG point because I usually hide the imposing of ‘how things ‘have to be’ according to how I see them’ in means of changing their mind not realizing that I cannot and will not be able to change anyone’s minds without them having the will to do so, and within this, I only end up fucking myself up by struggling against another’s opinions as thoughts of how they live their life and how it all should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that A. is not up for self forgiveness because of him being completely self centered without having even trying to do so  – yes cool point , thanks N.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter in discussions and fighting another within the mind as thoughts as how I think things should be not realizing that imposing myself is NOT the way and that I cannot change anything or anyone this way, I can only change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing support of my father because of him being ‘fed up’ with my ‘bullshit’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember times of feeling rejected as a little girl by my parents, specifically father, because of being ‘too fucking crazy’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected by my family members because of me not going along their mindsets and lifestyles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down and doubt me when seeing that my father is yelling at me for ‘my bullshit’ which is also related to me not accepting everyone as me, separating myself from those that I ‘do not want to be with’

IT could’ve been as easy as – well I do not enjoy the presence of that woman and not going but I decided to push through resistance, then actually wanting to go to have lunch with all of them but then, being kicked out of the van by my fahter. See in that moment I didn’t feel sad or angry I realized that I had been exerting my disagreement with that through my faces – always not being able to hide any disgust, disagreement, discomfort or anger- and within so, filling my father’s liver with stones and him exploding in such anger exterted towards myself. After that I just realized my actions as why do I dislike this woman so much? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike E. so much just because of how she thinks, without realizing that what she is as her thoughts isn’t real at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge her because of being a slow talker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge her conversations as silly, stupid or pointless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by the social relationships my parents form with others based on licking each others boots to have a ‘nice ‘ time together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by such ‘nice’ ways of treating another because I consider them to be completely fake and unreal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated over someone else that I barely have contact with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from myself as E. not realizing I am E as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been rude towards E. at times because of cutting the conversations with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise E. because of her indoctrinating fear towards her own grandchild

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise people like E. because of being up to hoping and desiring to have a better time in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike E’s way of talking because it seems too sweet and fake

Well fuck, never realized all the thougths I had towards this woman. Such a chain of judgments towards one single person.

So I had that discussion with my father and we haven’t spoken since that which is 24 hours or so. Doesn’t bother me at the moment really but this only reminds me of how I depend on him to survive and how it is fucking awful to be stopped by something like money to remain with people that are getting completely fed up with how I am currently acting

I seriously have to slow down myself because I realize that it is probably true that anything I speak towards family or friends becomes a judgment and so everyone’s getting quite fed up with this.

I had a discussion with A. today, big one again that involved crying and anger and what not. I definitely saw the past playing out – this is the law of stupidity ladies and gentleman – the same point opens up me being impositive, me wanting to change a person a someone for the sake of themselves without realizing, fuck I cannot change anyone really I have already discussed such points with him and he’s not willing to change so why waste my time and getting completely possessed by this discomfort, disagreement and plain anger towards A. because he – once again – took an acid. See I had already discussed what it does to the physical body yet, he doesn’t give a damn about it.

The deal is I am still trying or doing what is possible to ‘change him’ – wrong! can’t do that yet why staying in such friendship where he’s not willing to change? What ties this really? some 5 years of knowing each other? See, I got quite mad at this and it’s pointless, there was absolutely no need for me to react this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, frustration towards A. when he told me he had taken an acid

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to use the exerting of anger and frustration thorugh face gestures because of me judging his decisions in life as taking drugs and smoking weed all time.

SEE: here’s the point judging another´s dishonesties and allowing another’s dishonesties is the point here. What would be best for all? Me not having to be swimming against the flow and stop such relationship where he doesn’t want to understand, to see for himself what I’m talking about all the time. 

He claims I judge him way too much and that  I do not respect but we all know how respect has become a mask to hide and allow another’s dishonesties, claiming ‘respect’ to another. Fuck no. And also that I’m always pointing out how ‘things should be’. Lol even his mother told him that she wondered "why he still hung out with me because I believed myself to know a lot when in fact, I didn’t." See how people see you as an ‘all knowing withead’ without wanting to see that it’s not for personal glory but to bring common sense points here.

I realize that such feelings of being ‘hurt’ as A. claims is because of his own guilts and blames because he had made an agreement with his gf to not take drugs and he eventually ‘broke it’ and so he felt guilty for that and other stuff.
And then he began saying how I was begining to be a drag because I didn’t smile or was happy anymore, that I am not like I used to, and so I recognized how in the past I would be smiling and being nice so he would like me. So now that I’m merely sharing a moment with him being me, he’s judging the fact that I am not happy or smiling -therefore- I’m bitter and sad which isn’t so. I explained how I wont’ go and create ‘interesting’ events in my life jsut to have something to talk about, just to have something interesting to blabber about, nope. I said that I’m merely here, stable that I do not want to be shifting in myriad of emotions or feelings and place them as normal. He- once again – oposes to the fact of feelings being unreal. Oh fuick. In between the whole ‘discussion’ while I was only listening to him I would really stop thinking and just find everything pointless and completely unnecessary, really. Yet I do recognize that I am judgin people too much, that I am being far too strict with others thoughts, wanting to correct and make them see in every single moment, eventually that becomes such a drag to them that they prefer to keep my mouth shut.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder myself when being told by others to shut my mouth off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remind me of memories in my childhood when I got shut up by my parents because of them not wanting to listen to me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as being unable to express myself at times when i find ‘good excuses’ for others to prove me wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate on my application because of getting good excuses of why I am taking the wrong way within my life

 See, I left A. at the beginning of my process because of being supporting my ego and the use of weed as a regular habit as well as other stuff within me that I knew was plain dishonesty. I stopped that, found myself alone again then went back to see how he had been after being apart and we literally ‘got back’ to being friends but I see that there are things he won’t ever change. And why being with someone who is a stubborn in his ways of living such as smoking weed every day. He doesn’t take acid to go to parties or any of that but merely to enjoy himself. He just can’t understand what I am really doing. He goes back to definng me as ‘who I was’ before: sweet laughing girl, more crazy, expressive but I see that as long as  I see him smoking all the time things wont’ change, as long as he doesn’t want to see and take all into consideration as himself things wont’ change. THere are things that we would agree upon, him giving himself unconditionally to spend time with another, sharing his music, his habilities with others yet not getting the core of realizing that his actions affect ALL of us as one.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still struggle with the idea of myself in the past towards others as being too nice and friendly to be able to fit in and be liked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as being bitter because of not smiling or being happy all the time anymore not realizing that this was merely a way to see everything as ‘beautiful’ and stick to one side of the polar tie in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry out of frustration and sadness towards myself and the inability I am experiencing towards relating to others that aren’t aware of being self honest and realizing who they really are beyond the ego of the mind.

See in this I take B’s example on him not allowing anyone’s dishonesties and that’s why he has shared how he’s not liked by people because people don’t want to see or hear what they are creating and what they are doing with their opinions, thoughts and emotions as who they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver and hesitate into taking a decision to fully stop this relationship because of wanting to find points to remain within it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live the words and the example of self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire giving advices on how ‘life must be lived’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that self honesty is something to talk about towards others when not asked to do so instead of realizing that this is only if asked by another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share knowledge and information in means of changing someone instead of being the living example of the words, to live the words in self honesty in every single moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire running away from discussions instead of facing it completely and stopping the reactions to see what is here to deal with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to remain stable within myself while talking with friends instead of going into judgment towards them and how they ‘should live their life’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on giving advices to others as how they should live their life instead of realizing that this can’t be so until I don’t live the words as me as who I really am.  

What’s cool about it? I get to listen to his music and I share my videos, photos, drawings and all that stuff with him, we watch movies and simple stuff like having dinner or breakfast together. Yet what’s not cool about it is that he won’t and doesn’t have any intention to change at all. He claims he does listen and get what I mean at times but other stuff just seems ‘too much’ for him like for example: portal, us not being our feelings and emotions and thougths, remaining in the simplicity of the breath because he praises emotions a lot… artistry stuff. He claims me to be merely a ‘young angry girl against the system’ as he was and that I’ll eventually change when the time comes to do so – me facing the system I live in which I agree I haven’t faced yet –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this situation as tiring, a burden and draining because of having been through this more than once.

I do not accept and allow myself to be affected by what anyone has to say as opinions about me

Yes in my family they are definitely tired of what I have to say, they are ‘over the top’ and really just about to fully explode. They are tired of me talking about how things should be which is also useless because it’s merely thoughts and ideas without application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by A’s mother comment on me believing myself to be ‘all knowing’ when in fact I didn’t know that much

THis is something many claim. When in fact it’s not about knowledge! I simply blurted this out to him because any knowledge without application is useless, and he defended his mother because she’s a literature teacher, therefore "educating" people. Fuck, I stopped there, there’s no point in going against the tide

THe point within all this writings – to sum up – is the perception others are having about me as being a nazi towarsd themselves, pointing stuff out to them to see their dishonesties, wanting to change them, to impose my point of view and their overall feeling of being fed up with this.

Well it doesn’t really matter if I end up alone really. I know there’s a bunch of people around the world going through the same and standing by the same principles as I am and stopping the mind as a system that runs relationships and societies. If it gets too fucking difficult for people to understand without even having the ‘curiosity’ to see more for themselves, then there’s no point to continue in such relationships. 

I really have no bad feelings towards another "pain" when they have created this themselves, nope. I don’t conmiserate towards another’s self deception and I won’t do. And I simply won’t abide with someone that is and will be judging myself for how I am experiencing myself even though he claims to love me very much and being his best friend. Fuck relationships, they are so complicated.

Back to the same point I had discussed a while ago where Bruce L. pointed out that ‘why would I want to have a 3D picture presentation speaking out words to have a ‘real’ communication, instead of considering that I already had created intimate communication with people in the forum’? and that’s true though I really want to experience how is it to live with someone in the same ‘channel’ as you are because then pointing out dishonesties would be a matter of growth, of self realization, not a way to create discussion and anger towards another.

I woke up dreaming that a bat bit my left hand, all I know is a bat used to feed the depression, dreariness in this world and left hand is mother matrix side. . . but I also dreamed this after 6 hours of sleep so it could’ve been merely another recharge of ucf.

I just got a message from Adrián that his intention is good towards desteni and the forum so I wrote how he is able to really ‘cooperate’ by applying himself, to realize who he is beyond every and all mind definitions as opinions, beliefs and perceptions of who we are. Shared with breakdown when realizing I am not my mind yet how that shock and breakdown allowed me to realize who I really am and allowed me to see and read the information unconditionally. Let’s see what happens.

I am quite tranquil at the moment, wtching the always nice sunset and the colors being pinkish, red and deep violet and blue, awesome. Well

let me explain that one of the greatest gifts within this process is meeting people that are also going through the same and that are willing to do this, it is reconforting talking and exchanging our experiences to see our dishonesties and stand up from that. so yeah thanks N. for that as well

so yeah as the sun goes down I say, let’s keep it real!

phew feel much lighter at the moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’ta ccepted and allowed myself to see any other human being as me UNCONDITIONALLY

Any suggestions, comments, pointing out of dishonesties, much appreciated! thanks !

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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