I experienced within the chat with this man M. what it is like to be blinded by desires, needs and all kind of ideas about love. Big points realized while spending the whole night – yes I have barely slept 2 hours at this moment – trying to open eyes to a possessed mind, an ego of mind taking over where self acceptance and self love isn’t something that is even known or considered. Where words like ‘forgiveness’ stand as a rock that is hard to swallow in the throat of someone who isn’t able to forgive themselves for what they have become.
Spent hours chatting with him, a man on medication, with self accepted, created and followed ‘psychosis’ where he’s merely one and equal to self misery, not willing to be worth of life if he feels, thinks or perceives he isn’t worth a damn for anyone else. Talking with someone who is so blinded by their own beliefs on what ‘a unique and special love is’ and ‘what it makes him feel’ made me see myself reflected in a mirror, although I must say, in an extreme version of myself in the past.
He feels completely attacked when I speak of self forgiveness and realizing what is here beyond our ego of the mind etc, so I shared my practical example of who I realized how I was being enslaved by such need and desire to be accepted/ liked and even worshiped by men so I could give a damn about myself. Completely unacceptable – within this it was actually quite cool seeing how I have completely opened eyes, I have already gone through self forgiveness towards this so I stand clear, I am able to speak and share this without any holds or fears on those times where I recognized, my desires were taking the wheel to direct me. Not anymore, yet still forcing myself to remain here everytime the mind as me wants to go somewhere off to a nice ideal of what love or being with someone is. Unacceptable
What I saw is that he was seeking approval of his selfish ways and desires for revenge and get his ‘pride’ back because of what he had experienced in his relationship, I won’t judge him even though I made him see how he’s not willing to stand and accept himself. He thinks ‘self love’ is new age bullshit, yet he pretends he is able to love someone.
The chat went on for long time, I realize that i was still having the ‘hope’ for him to finally see and take the decision to stop taking pills to go through his manifested consequences, face his relationship because of his soon-to be father experience within such relationship or choose to remain in the oblivion.
What i got from this is that, yeah I can’t change anyone but I faced myself within this, I saw and realized how the mind works in cycles when not wanting to face itself in the moment. Running in circles to avoid confrontation of the reality here, running around to not see that all we have is ourselves here, to accept ourselves, to stand as life and be worthy of life as who we really are beyond wanting or desiring recognition from another to BE this, completely unacceptable and see stupidity within this. I got to a point where I knew I wouldn’t practically get anywhere with explaining him points where he was obviously contradicting himself. I see how demons work this way, it’s like this dense thick fog that blinds you to see what is here. What was clear to see for me was something completely ‘off’ for him.
So yes, got to experience first hand how people act demon possessed without having to be knocking themselves on the ground and yelling or cursing, lol, this is real stuff people. And it becomes almost invisible if not being in self honesty and seeing the facts from a self honest point. I really doubt any of what I said to him will be able to make him change and finally step up, though I can’t and won’t be expecting to have any effect. I merely shared my experience with forgiving myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become while standing in such desires for a relationship etc. I’m quite tired of this already, lol . So I let go of that
it was cool from the perspective of seeing how I am NOT willing to experience myself ever again as, in desires of a someone to save me or fulfill me, nope, not again, not anymore. This is about self love, self acceptance and willing to stand for me as me, nothing else.
Saw my reflection and I broke the mirror because I am not willing to stand one and equal to self abuse, remaining in such ideals of love in such enslaving terms. What a fucking well placed and created trap. Unacceptable.
It was my father’s birthday and I think I merely enjoyed talking with some kids and going through my past ways of not allowing them to play my guitars or my stuff and acting like a parent not allowing them to touch or grab or do anything that would allow to express themselves. I saw how they opened up and shared what they like, what they enjoy doing and so, generally enjoyed their expression. Quite cool to let go of such parent-like ways of banning their self expression. Then went to the supermarket and got the experience of being in a land where all is consuming itself. I use a disposable dish and feel guilty and trapped in a hole of continuous self abuse towards earth as myself. I feel completely lost within this world at times because of seeing that it is not acceptable to keep going this way, yet no one hears or is willing to hear. We keep consuming ourselves, each other and what’s here on earth. Men in marriages feeling trapped by a bossy woman while they escape their sight into another woman’s ass, mothers and doughters following patterns of eternal definition as ‘who I am’ because of how I have been for ages. To sum up: I feel like in a decadent jungle where we’re standing in the moment where last trees are being left and we’re all struggling to survive.
Time to stop that, that isn’t life, that is unacceptable and all times I see that there’s no point in being concerned about this. It’s only breathing here to stop participating in such ways of "co-existing" while pointing at each other. At supermarket I get this ideas of how it would be if we would have to fight to get food, fuck, just like Blindness, the movie, complete struggle for survival, the real side of ourselves would come out, the side that struggles, fights and stives to remain here. Sometimes I go off and forget what this is all for, yet it’s impossible to deny myself. We stand, we breathe through this, because I support life and I support anyone else that is willing to stand as myself and do whatever it takes to get this done no matter what.
Thanks for reading guys and for being here.