Well, just came back from being with people, lol. My friend E. came to my home city to spend some days and so it was cool now having him here,though it was once again facing the point of ‘duh I feel I am a boring person and there’s not ‘much to do’ around here’ but also my friend Y. came and so it was all cool. I even met the other guy O. while walking in the street with Y and E – the one I had talked with and shared self forgiveness with on new year’s eve – We went with him to get some fruit for him to eat. I did felt a bit ‘blushed’ when E. took out a box of chocolates for me, lol so yes silly me: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blush when getting a box of chocolates from E because of O. and Y. staring at us as if it meant something ‘else’ .Well, anyways, doesn’t mean anything, he only knows I’m a choco fan hehe.
Anyways O. explained how he’s been thinking about going to a psychiatrist or psychologist and basically feels lost within his life, yet wants to do something about it. So we talked, the four of us while he ate some fruit and I noticed how E’s got quite a cool perspective on life, on finding self worth as life as a human being without comparing it to others. How to move yourself for and by yourself when realizing and seeing that you have ‘no one else’ – so that was cool because I hadn’t talked or heard stuff like that from E. in such a long time and so it’s cool seeing he sees this and tries to live this way. O. asked me to go out sometime and I will as he’s certainly someone that has to survive in this world with no support at all, but first has to clear himself, to be able to stand by himself and most important: to be Self worthy, he says that since we talked on new year’s eve, he changed his habits a bit and basically had a new perspective on life so yeah, I’m willing to talk to him and share my experiences with him.
Well then we went to eat with E and then he wanted to have a beer, so we did and it was my oportunity to do it. Lol, I transcended the barrier where I was almost satanizing alcohol, to only enjoy it but not get intoxicated – and tested myself. I drank a whole beer and was very cool seeing that, lol! there was no effect of it and i wasn’t even trying to ‘control’ it, I simply drank it, slowly – I think I’ve never taken so long in drinking a beer – and that was it. Then we merely walked around downtown and well, we went to some places I hadn’t visited since I was with my ex.bf being a daily weed smoker and being in love and ‘living life’ which really brought me back memories so
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my memories are real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define places according to events that happened in the past while I used to smoke weed or be with G.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in the past as being ‘wild’ because of being smoking and being ‘in love’
I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to feel some nostalgia while going back to places I used to be at when I was with G
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped in my own memories of the mind, not realizing they aren’t real and that which I lived was never real anyways
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel defined by the past here
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward and weird by having a bottle of beer in front of me as if it is something that I ‘shouldn’t’ be doing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring memories of G back to HERE in the moment, present only pointing out to me that I haven’t let go completely of my memories as something I still ‘cherish’ completely unacceptable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cherish memories because it ‘means’ that I have had ‘experiences’ such as bieng in love or smoking weed and having sex etc
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to only fully live here in the moment regardless of where I am and instead, go back and cling to memories of specific places according to ‘what I used to do there and with who’ instead of being free from the past, being free from memories.
Well yes, mostly memories fuicking with me but I enjoyed the moment of just walking around and laughing and sharing moments with them. THen we went to have some coffee and they got to ‘brainy’ as in playing math games – E’s got quite a mind for that – and so I drew a bit while they did that, not interested in reassuring me as a mind that is able to think as maths and system-wise. Then we went to supermarket to buy some dessert for a dinner Y’s friend had made and invited us as well. I knew there was – yet again – going to be wine and weed and people talking about it but I actually enjoyed the time I had there. There were funny guys, you know the kind that live to make and enjoy seeing people laugh so i actually enjoyed myself while laughing very hard, well it was cool seeing others laugh, people I had just met making me laugh was something that doesn’t happen everyday. I drank a glass of wine the whole night, lol, no effect either.
Food was cool – this girl is spanish – and yeah, I enjoyed seeing new people as new faces and seeing what they are ‘up to’ and how they have fun – just like any other person, well they are certainly older people so it’s cool. I enjoy that as well and they weren’t so ‘intellectual’ and I enjoyed that though, my parents went to pick me up just in time when they began smoking weed and they have already quite few drinks as well. And it was perfect this way, I enjoyed my time there and went out when the weed smoking began to make the room foggy, lol. Well it certainly isn’t the same seeing ONE person smoking in front of you and then having 6 people around you smoking and seeing them having their fun while drinking and smoking because – I’ve been there, done that – lol. While seeing them smoke and see their faces I remembered how I would be at A’s house smoking and people would come in – A, knows a bunch of different people – and most of them would smoke and I would be like the ‘nice woman’ that would prepare the joint and so on, lol In fact, I helped them today to roll the joints and I kept saying how it was far too weird to be doing that, too weird though, I didn’t have HUGE cravings to smoke I mean, I got to the point of recognizing ‘good stuff’ just from smell and how it looks etc and so seeing everyone smoking and saying how cool it was and smelling it myself I was like ah well yeah seems cool, but didn’t have to fight that much against myself either to not smoke it, it’s just not the time for that yet.
Parents went and picked me up and it was weird giong into the van and actually being ‘alright’. In the past I would always get a bit nervous worrying about them smelling I had smoked or drinked or something like that or even noticing me being drunk or high – which I did many times and they never noticed or ‘pretended’ as if they didn’t notice. SO yeah, that was mostly it.
Yesterday I spent my day talking and realizing how I have forgotten to enjoy myself all alone and yeah thanks to N. for that because I see that talking and sharing experiences where one enjoys himself alone is quite an inspiration to be just here enjoyign myself. So yeah that’s when I decided to make my laughing video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQQkFCsaaKY
And yeah spent the afternoon going out for a walk in the cold nice weather with great clouds, stopping all my ‘eye sights’ in the sky and yeah, coming back home and enjoying myself drawing, listening to music and that was it.
TOday I woke up with a horrible headache and moody because I woke up after having slept 8 hours but hell, i only slept 2 hours two days ago so that really knocked me out a bit. Still went out for a walk and that was it.
Basically I forced myself to stop the frustration for having slept more and being moody about it and only getting this headache for that, lol seeing the instant manifestation of my thoughts of self judgment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become moody while waking up late and in doing so, getting a headache as a result of me fighting and blaming me for waking up late
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still become moody when getting up late
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I’ve done something ‘wrong’ by drinking a beer and a bit of wine today
Yes, well the points that are still hanging around is the ways I enjoy myself. i definitely do enjoy being with people for a while but I have fun in such simple ways that it’s great and I wouldn’t trade that for anything else. How do you live your fun? Because to me, the ways of having ‘fun’ have changed tremendously. I mean, I certainly got ashamed of finding a pic of myself lying on the floor while acting like a real lunatic while drinking or smoking or something like that – i would only do that when being with Y and my ex bf but still, crazy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my past, of what i used to do when drunk and high
And so I do wonder , well I really don’t need to have a beer or have a joint to have my ‘fun’ meaning enjoyment, I do not need a specific moment to ‘have fun’, I would listen to E saying ‘yeah I’m getting kind of bored’ and so that implies that you have to keep him in this constant ‘rush’ for him to have a ‘something’ in separation as a moment where energy’s up and he’s feeling cool, which is quite a fuck up because then it’s merely a living to keep these energetic levels of being ‘cool and having fun’ and being ‘bored and down’, polar ties.
So ‘fun’ for me, certainly would be laughing and sharing a moment with others but it doesn’t necessarily involve alcohol or any other stuff, but most important is myself here, just being with myself really myself as me alone or myself as others, yeah! thats’ about it, walking, breathing lol but I do enjoy laughing, yeah!
well that’s it for now, thanks! and have fun with yourselves here