Ok let’s see. Back, my back hurts at times and these times are usually when I’m around people that I have been ‘linked’ with in the past. I was quite unsure about this but it’s almost a constant because the very presence of that ‘someone’ with whom i used to have any kind of relationship with – read ‘dependence’ in any form light or heavy, still dependent – this pain in the back comes again. And It’s perfect timing that I transcribed and translated my Tree of Life ® Interview because PAST past past is the most spoken word in it which means that in fact, pain manifesting in the back and experiencing such tightness and constriction within myself affecting my self expression here is actually due to me existing as memories with feelings and emotions attached to them. Completely enslaving myself to a ‘someone’ I used to be’ that isn’t here at all. Existing as memories implies by default not being living here in the simplicity of the breath as who I really am, so it’s like loading up all these bags filled with shit literally of definitions of who I am to this or that person, to how I used to be with this or that someone within this or that situation according to my past. It seems I have created this split in my life defining a pre-desteni era and a Desteni era which is quite a mind fuck up of mine because there’s nothing to define or separate here, it’s just me here living in the simplicity of breath, nothing else. Desteni is ‘non existent’ from the perspective that it isn’t a relgion or a path or a nothing, it’s merely a name that is used as a group of people that are spreading the tools to support ourselves into realizing who we really are beyond our minds as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life experience according to being pre-desteni meaning before finding Desteni and then desteni- era which merely defines myself according to who i am in the past and the beginning of me being aware of my process instead of merely being here in self honesty as the breath of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my past (!!!) for my current pains and experiences here not realizing that it is ME and only me the one that is going in cycles by dragging, carrying and holding on to memories of who I am with certain specific people according to the ‘me’ in the past.
I have seen how I tighten up my body at times and stiffen my muscles when being in certain postures, I’ve been dealing – yet again – with hunching my back and then experiencing pains and what not. I see I am deliberately fucking with myself by thinking that I can ‘solve’ my past with someone from my past here, there’s nothing to solve, there’s nothing to ‘make up for’ there’s nothing to be better or to even compare. As we’ve already read a thousand times: it’s not about being self honest towards another but towards yourself in every moment.
I manifested this dream last night where a someone that I don’t know would treat me as I have ever desired to be treated by a man or a ‘lover’ lol it was actually weird but shows how I was mainly looking forward to being adored, worshipped by a man and fuck!! I am just realizing at this very moment that such thing almost happened or has happened with both men i’ve been close with – specially the only one I’ve been in a relationship – even being subject of paintings as a ‘goddess’ lolol please laugh with me about this but that freaked me out when i saw it and I hadn’t actually ‘clicked’ on the fact that these are manifestations of my very desires in the past. wanting to be adored, loved, liked, worshipped, being ‘all’ for that someone I was in a relationship meaning: being their goddess – and it even turned into a fuicking painting what a scary deal – anyways it’s not like it really freaks me out or keeps me bound to that relationship or anything but as i was reading on this very cool interview with Bernard and Bernard through the portal (part 2 of the tip of the iceberg located in interviews from the farm section in open forum) made me realize how carefu we have to be with our thougths, our desires. The first time I heard this was in a video and it was let’s say 9 months ago or more, and I knew that the consequences for this would -inevitably – be something with regards to me and sex and the way I saw and/or used sex as a game, as a place where I would be the ‘star’ and be merely idolized and worshipped. It happened, I fed from that and so it is just now that I’m seeing this. Part of my ego-building was this very creation of me as wanting to be a ‘unique’ woman for ‘unique’ kind of men. lol and that was my dream, being given pleasure by a man in such a gentle way and him being a complete fan of myself, lol. It was interesting because the man looked like anyone I’ve seen in my life and he pretended being part of my ‘family’ first but then he proclaimed himself as having lied just to be around me and so he went on to seducing me – which we are able to translate into the burden fact of me desiring and enjoying being given pleasure – fuck I have to dig this deeper in my own sex sf inmense list I have in a file.
Oh well so many points opening up today….
So when reading Bernard’s words with regards to our thougths I had several lately thoughts I’ve had and realizing what I’m actually doing within that, existing in self interest and holding on to an idea that fits with mine and creating a way for me to exist with something in my mind in every moment. Quite a fuck up really – this is my favorite quote ‘quite a fuck up really’ seems like every thought we might actually fuck it all up if we aren’t aware of how we are placing ourselves within existence: we are our words, and sometimes we babble and babble without seeing or realizing how we are standing within those words and what we are co-creating within that. Immediately see regret from thoughts that have occupied my mind for so long. Like this dream I mean, if I created that dream means that such desires of finding a someone that is able to please my momentarily and spontaneously like that still exists and it’s unacceptable as it is loaded and spilling self interest within that, completely selfish.
So we’re getting to the dark places wtihin me where I exist as self interest and manipulating beings in order to be at my feet. If I the relationships I had i basically was like ‘their dream come true’ and worked myself for that, I wanted to be the perfect woman so they wouldn’t desire being with anyone else but me -a desire for possession implied – which actually relies on not being confident within myself to actually be and express myself without having any need ‘to be for someone else’ as to please them in being someone that could ‘have it all’ so they would only be with me. And I manifested that as well. I thought of myself – always -as this unique kind of woman that wasn’t unlike any other woman, being special because of what I liked, what I did, what I was up to just to be liked by certain kind of men. Most of the things I did was to placed myself as open minded, as radical, as a tough openly sexual women without being an easy target for men, being like a femme fatale really lololol, like imagining ‘ah they desire me’ and then passing by with the certainty of them not being able to ‘reach out to me’ in any way. Well that was the HIDDEN or supposedly hidden part of myself, don’t know exactly beause when I talk of this I’m seeing in the past and so at that time I thought I was merely being ‘myself’ but this was lying beneath that usually open – yet reserved- being blah, complete creation of the mind as what I ‘thought’ suited me according to my interests – see, self interest – and the kind of relationship i was looking for –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself within my teenage years and through school as being constantly seeking for relationship with a man that I felt was as ‘special’ as how I thought I was
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide my self interest behind being a ‘nice’ person towards others so they could like me an dget to know me better
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in self interest as desire being with someone that is able to fulfill my sexual desires, to only desire and exist to give me pleasure without me having to give something back
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being worshipped and idolized by ‘the one that I truly loved’ because of wanting to make him stay with me and never desiring being with anyone else, in doing so
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and create of myself as a ‘perfect woman’ for certain kind of men I wanted to be with because that way, I would get to be worshipped and given ‘all’ by my partner without realizing that i actually crated the manifestation of these thoughts
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to realize the consequences of my thougths as wanting and desiring to have all the attention from my lovers or man, because that mean being completely
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being desired by others so I could beo ‘worthy’ and be ‘enough’ for others, to please others and in doing so, desire being pleased and worship by them never realizing or wanting to face the self interest that existed beneath the portray of myself as being ‘almost perfect’.
to be continued…