IT is quite hard when you get to influence or have a direct effect on someone’s life and see the immediate consequences because of decisions that apparently were taken in consideration of another, yet how such a lack of communication may turn everything into quite a maze. I really just got a headache from being over worrying about my friend E. getting a flu because I woke him up at 7:15 to go out for the walk i usually make at that time.
Well I’ve spent these two days with him and on monday we went to eat together then, came home and joined my friend Y. and we all had the radio show talking about "society of terror" and we discussed many points and taking perspectives from four of us there with regards to defining what is fear, what is terror and how we collectively/individually live that. We even discussed the parallels between zombies and what zombies are and do in comparison with ourselves, human beings that pretend or THINK we are alive yet we are systematic zombies. I enjoyed seeing E’s perspectives because, even though he hasn’t watched any desteni video, he’s quite aware of how we are existing and living and lots of common sense. The only point that is missing is realizing that we are not our thoughts feelings and emotions – lol, quite a ‘small detail’ right? – yet the discussion in the radio show concluded with all three of them agreeing that fear is something that is ‘natural’ to ourselves as humans so I had the last turn to say my perspective on we being feeding fear by allowing such thougths to exist within you. I just remembered the time when we got those videos from FEMA camps and all the future america is preparing as policies and I got very scared and freaked out and then had a chat session with L. on fear and we realized: hey fear isn’t real, fear only exists if you allow it to exist within and as you. That was big point of change within me so i discussed briefly in the radio show how we DO are able to stop it and said: well you see a plant, is life, do you see a plant living in terror or in fear? no! therefore us as LIFE aren’t fear, fear isn’t natural is a way to control and segregate humanity in fear of each other. That’s it. And so Y. said in the air: well, marlen just took my words away, lol because how can you refute Life? how can you even find a contrary point to what life experiences itself as? no, there’s none and this is common sense, I enjoyed saying such words because it is just what IS and I enjoy not having to create any hocus pocus or ideas or perceptions but saying and talking from my own experience and seeing the common sense within it all. That was cool
Another point was bringing E. Y and another guy from the show M to my house to have some cake and chocolate with my parents… lol I rarely bring ‘friends’ over and it was quite weird yet it went alright. E — who isn’t from the city – stayed over at my house and we watched ‘Waking life’ again and he also seemed to enjoy it. He asked me to awakehim when I would go out for my morning walk because he wanted to go with me, so I did. But never took into consideration that he had been cold the whole night because he didn’t manage to cover his body properly and then it was a cold morning so yeah, basically fucked it all up and he got a cold and he’s with the flu at the moment at his sister’s house. Yuk, And I feel terribly guilty though I know he could’ve said: oh I’m cold I better not go or ask for something else to cover himself with but nope. Anyways I musn’t be blaming myself for this, this is mommy matrix and this shit has to get out of my system because I really got worried about this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get and be worried about E. getting a flu because of me not having enough attentions twoards him and make sure he’s got enough clothes to cover himself with at night
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about E. getting very sick and saying that it was my fault because I made him go outside early in the morning to walk, when he inf act was the one that wanted me to go awake him
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty over E’s flu because he stood at my house and therefore I am ‘responsible’ for what happens to him not realizing this isn’t so in any way whatsoever.
I stop mommy matrix from manifesting within me as concern over another’s process and individual self-created experience
He had a ‘strange’ dream. He said that in between dreams he heard a bird singing and then, in dreams he saw a bird coming towards him and that then it turned into an eagle who was literally going towards him. He told me how he stopped the eagle’s beak from smashing against him and so the eagle would just hold on to his arm and stay there. Then he said that the eagle transformed into his doggie Amy and that he would get into my house and then feed his doggie and at that moment I woke him up to go out for a walk, he was quite groggy at first then it was alright, yet he was quite amused by his dream.
We walked together in the morning and I don’t know, our ‘friendship’ is weird because we really might not have like great things in common meaning, not quite similar in what we do or like as ‘personalities’, we even met ourselves by a fluke of destiny yet, we coincide in may points with regards to human existence and regarding ourselves as part of the whole. There’s no interest for a relationship beyond the one we ‘have’ now – yet we enjoy ourselves in company of each other, sharing our perspectives in energy solutions, economy, life, pollution, the countrie/ cities we LIEve in etc. I see him once a year or something like that which is also short period of time yet, cool. I see that he is also a mirror for myself and so being with him has made me see many things. I’ve questioned my relationship with people, and how I have defined myself according to my family meaning, how I created me with regards to being the opposit of who my sisters are, how words are specific and are required to be cleeared from personal meanings to have a meaning that allows and enables communication. I’ve seen how I separate myself from people ‘my age’ because of how I might think and the things I do yet, how this also creates a certain personality within me as being an ‘outsider’ yet we know we can’t be outsiders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something special as the image of an eagle within E’s dream and wanting to find a deep meaning towards it to make me ‘special’ within his life or path
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or accept the fact that I desires giving him some ‘tender’ because of my perception of him needing tender and care from another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see E. as a unique being because of being noble and educated and within that, thinking that he’s special and someone that is key within my life experience
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go completely of the specialness perceived towards another because of existing within such ‘need’ to have someone ‘singificant’ in my life without realizing and seeing that this is clearly separation
I mean whenever my mind would move into me actually seeing him as someone I could ‘work along with ‘ or walking together for a while meant that I was merely hiding self interest as what I respect of him, and as ‘who he is’ yet, it seems that mind wants to forget about me talking with me etc because of this personality and personal desire or need.
I’m literally falling asleep so —. to be continued …
So, also a point to face is because E’s mother is quite a realist painter and so while being at his house I felt my art as ‘not good enough’ because of the stuff his mother paints with such perfection, realism something that I have limited myself into thinking that I’m incapable of doing. And then, yesterday, I met his half-sister’s mother who is a well known art historian here in México and I met her yesterday while I went to with E to his sister’s house and so we talked about me being at art school and being in etcing workshop etc. She has these huge contacts with well known artists here and talked about some contacts to make some exchanges to canada for artists etc. Fuck, this is what probably got me all nervous or anxious or don’t know, this apparent simple situation of meeting these people that are very well into art here got me into thinking, oh fuck this is the world that I’m supposed to be at yet, it is something that I am trying to get out as well. Conflict, self doubt of my own capabilities to do something within art and probably not being ‘sharp’ enough to get those contacts to do something else. Why the conflict? because m y perspective towards this life and the current world situation is quite divided from actually thinking that art is necessary in such ways and in such a tight and exclusive world as the ‘art world’ yet, it could also be a way to support myself here and try to infiltrate myself as who I am and what I’ve been through until now through creation.
I certainly woke up today and felt quite anxious or nervous or worried, fuck I haven’t felt this way in a long time so I stop it because there’s no reason to exist within that, it’s because of all my thoughts and probably sleeping more than 6 hours. it sucks
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious and worried about how is E. doing today
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated and ‘less than’ when meeting up with people that are really into the art world because of not trusting myself and what I’m able to do and be within it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an inner conflict within myself with regards to me expressing myself through art and if it is really ‘needed’ in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle me and allow this thoughts of being ‘less than’ to torture me, to make me hesitate with regards to how I am dealing and directing my life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear getting ‘contacts’ in art world because it would mean that then I would have to really get into the role of an ‘artist’ and do and be what an ‘artist’ does, not realizing that there’s no way I have to compromise myself to anything. I just have to be here and direct myself, there’s no need to play any role of what I am here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated, anxious or nervous while meeting up with ‘important’ people and consider them as being ‘superior’ in any way whatsoever due to the amount of money they have, their knowledge and their contacts within this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable with rich people because of them only being talking about what I deem as superficial and shallow stuff
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other’s lifestyles because I consider them to be ‘outsiders’ and ‘blind’ to how the world is living and therefore, living in a pink bubble where everything’s alright not realizing that I exist in a similar situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and change a 7 year old’s mind with regards to the way she’s living her life, even attempting to try and make a change in another one because it implies that I’m still deliberately trying and making all that is possible to change one’s life which I can’t
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as ‘less than’ others because of the amount of knowledge and experience they have in what is supposed to be ‘my area’ as the ‘art world’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a prey of my own anxiety created by thoughts constantly turning inside my head because of ‘how I am supposed to be and act’ in front of others.
THis was quite an unexpected facing point because I’ve been used to being ‘at ease’ meaning, situations that I decide where to place myself in and almost avoiding from facing other points that exist within me. here I got to a point of actually seeing what is here as me as well, the side I had been trying to hide and refuse because of being and feeling insecure within that. ALso with regards to my parents for example, saying how E. is ‘such a good and noble boy’ and within that implying that ‘he is one of a kind’ and them liking him quite a lot and I know those words from my mother as saying ‘he’s a good boy for you’ etc. which isn’t and won’t be regardless of any kind of thought that had crossed my mind within these last few days. Unacceptable. I agree completely, how complicated self interest is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘exposed’ while bringing home a ‘friend’ of mine because of being able to be ‘studied’ with regards to how I deal with my ‘relationships’ by my family members
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist in quite an anxiety because of wondering what impression did e’s family members have of me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care about what they might think, believe and perceive of myself by the way I express, I look and how I get along with E.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape myself as a personality according to being ‘the complete opposite’ of what and who my family members are.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to only be me and express myself here but be a conditioned being according to being and existing as the polarity manifestation of my sisters, of my family members, therefore existing from a definition a perception and a conception of ‘how to be’ and existing as the opposite of that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely alienated from other human beings because of not being ‘in their channel’ meaning, not agreeing with their terms of being such as praising their thoughts as valuable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely ‘out of the game’ when it comes to actually caring about ‘who I am’ within the art world and what I could get to do and be within that because of considering it completely and absolutely an ego thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within worry and concern of ‘how I present myself towards others’ and the impression that I create towards them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in cycles of who and what I ‘have to do’ instead of being myself here, expressing.
See I did this, I didn’t pretend or faked anything that’s why I felt insecure but then I’m realizing, fuck why would or should I lie and pretend to be something I am not. That would be unacceptable and I can’t even do that, lol, it’s too fake for me to fake and it would be plain stupidity for me. So it’s only my mind fucking with me with how I ‘should’ve presented myself’ or how I ‘should’ve dressed’ and etc. But nope, that’s it. E is one example of that
being who he is no matter where or with whom, being the same with everyone everywhere, that’s cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I must and have to treat others as they ‘treat me’ instead of realizing that this would be like paying with the same ‘coin’ what I’ve been ‘given’ instead of being unconditional with myself expressing me here regardless of any past or previous experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because of thinking that I was being selfish and not taking into consideration guests at my house and therefore, not offering everything I would’ve had to offer in order to make them feel like at home
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and react according to my desire to ‘make it up for’ him and be as ‘cool’ as E. was with me while being a guest at his house
Ok this is all related to social pressure, a conflict towards ‘what I am’ and ‘who I am’ as what I am aware of currently and having to face myself with ‘society’ yikes, lol I definitely not dig that at all and what happens is that in the city I live in is completely about that, fuck it’s awful lolol. Ok I stop this, is stupid really.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive there exists such thing as ‘social pressure’ with regards to relationships and contacts with people to move myself in this world because of my family and other’s families
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to ‘which family I come from’ and ‘who I am within society’ and ‘what I do’ because it only cages me into a single definition instead of realizing that this is all a creation of personality that I am not
Ok,. much here now, thanks!