Spent some time today with this guy O with whom I have shared a some of my current process with self forgiveness and taking self responsibility. I agreed meeting up with him to discuss his life because, he’s already going with psychiatrists and he recently got prescriptions for meds and so I had to share my perspective on him not needing meds and giving himself a try to actually support and stand up himself without needing a fucking pill to make him feel ‘alright’ or stable or anything else. It was a bit weird at first because we had never spent time alone, we would only meet at A’s house and usually for only short periods of time but this time we had lunch together.
We discussed his life mainly and how he blames his father for ‘ruining’ his life and how he keeps all this resentment which eventually turns out into hate towards his father – who is himself as well – and he’s gotten to desire killing himself and whatnot. The point is he sees things as they are, he even writes about this yet, he explained how he’s remained the ‘aware’ observer within society without doing anything but laughing and whining about it. I saw myself in him as well, that’s probably one of the reasons why I used to talk with him and share similar points of view in the past. But this time it was all about making him see that there’s nothing or no one to blame for the shit that has happened in his life.
He had these writings from 10 years ago in small post-its held together by one staple where he described his situation around his 20 years of age, and he explained how some point of view/perspectives from that time have gone and some others have remained. I shared my experience when I dedicated myself to write in the past and now those writings ‘helped’ me in a way to see how my mind worked and existed as in the past, what kept me going in circles and all the stuff that would begin ‘defining’ me as ‘who I am’.
I made emphasis on taking self responsibility, getting out of our preprogrammed mind cage as ‘who we think we are’ and test ourselves to ultimate point of what life really is. Also explained how this point – the low point within his life – is quite a cool timing for him to try and write himself out and apply self forgiveness because, what’s left when you have already thought of killing yourself but at least give a try to anything that may actually support you standing up for the first time beyond any shrink or psycho session for an hour a week where patients usually resist talking and merely waste their time, effort and money in them.
He is going to acting classes because he says that it’s helping him a lot so I said yeah cool whatever ‘suit’s you, just make sure your starting point within this isn’t of ‘killing time’ so you don’t have to be and face yourself in every moment. We discussed the schizophrenia in all of us by talking with our mind and I suggested him to stop the inner talk and rather place it right here in front of him as writing, or, lol, suggested what B wrote in forum some days ago to someone. To build a cardboard persona of himself and interview himself with the starting point of complete self honesty and so, record it, see what happens. He’s a creative guy and he’s actually willing to take all the garbage out of himself. I explained about this process being a ‘pufication of self’ from all the shit and rotten corpses we go carrying around. It’s cool bringing the common sense and realizing: hey, past isn’t HERE, you are merely carrying an illusion with you of who you are, I can’t see that burden physically, so you better let it go. He really does have something quite intricate towards his father though, made him realize that whatever he feels or experiences towards ‘another one’ is actually himself. Maybe he’ll begin writing himself. He says that he’s stopped smoking since we talked on dec. 31st and that he had never actually lasted that long doing something for himself… seems he’s now interested in improving his nurturing, he wants to get practical knowledge to work or start a business or something.
It is hard because I read some stuff in those post it papers and realized, fuck how a father may fuck up another’s life without there being any ‘good’ reason to do so… that’s quite a fuck up part within this world and that has quite ‘marked’ him but yeah explained that everything and annything he may experience comes from and exists as mind definitions which he is able to stop. Shared the perspective on how personality is limitation, how me as an individual is limiation and so on… lots of empahis on taking self responsibility. He dug it all, I wrote self forgiveness sentence in spanish for him so he may begin talking or writing about it and yeah, I guess that’s all I can do and as far as I can go with him: sharing my experience and the tools to stand up. The rest, as we know, it’s up to him.
He also reminded me a bit of m y ex boyfriend and I said, fuck they write the same way and think the same ways and are as twisted yet – in your face – kind of guys that criticize and judge and laugh vicariously of this world, yet, they do nothing to change themselves and their experience towards it. So yeah it was cool, seems he doesn’t talk much about this stuff with people, so yeah sharing myself and a moment with another me that has or is willing to give it a try was cool. I’ve noticed how all the people I relate myself with are quite similar mirrors for me and so working with ‘them’ is also working with me as one and equal because when seeing points within them, I see points within me.
When I’m speaking with others I notice a change within me, I force myself to listen unconditionally because I would exist in so much judgment and prejudices towards any words that would come out from another. I would be seeing what’s ‘good or bad’ or ‘right or wrong’ according to MY perspective and opinions. I would sometimes be flying away somewhere else in my world while nodding to the one I had in front of me as If I was focused on listening. So actually being and experiencing myself with beings is cool to stop all and any reactons that may be ‘triggered’ by them. THis is part of what embracing is because there I stop my need an ddesire to change the world and actually being accepting myself as what it is and realizing that I cannot change anyones life but merely share myself and maybe then they will see or acquire something from my current ways of ‘living’- they all got experiences in life from which I can see things that I hadn’t seen before – meaning real izing ways of ‘lives’ others have.
I have stood up from thoughts that would keep me bound to desires of being with someone and merely spending time with another one. Yep, long SF and standing up from missing being with my ‘friend’ E. Well I became used in few days to being with him and merely sharing time together, just being. Yeah momentarily was not cool because he’d spent all time with me and then he’s gone and I was left ‘alone’ once. Was weird and hard at first – yeah I know it’s such a silly point – but it happened, wrote out some points and then realized the stupidity of my thoughts coming in cycles again and stopped it. Sharing this with D was cool as well, he was cool reading it and talking from his experience within this then discovered that soemtimes, we just need ‘another voice’ as ourselves to remind us what already exists within us yet, we realized how mind complicates and creates the fog to make this such a nightmare when in fact it’s clear when being willing to see thoughts and feelings and emotions as what they really are: mind creations. Then, one is able to stop.Systems running.
So yeah it was cool sharing my time this week with different people and knowing others for first time and stopping the judgment or inner fears within me towards them, this is the actual consideration of being listening to myself, talking with myself and bringing out the common sense within it all so we may expand ourselves and create the awareness of being one and equal but stil, realizing we have to do it ourselves to actually live it and, within so, taking self responsiblity to stand up and do it all for once and for all.
We are the ones that have to fix this, there’s not going to be any ‘hidden easy exit’. I enjoyed saying: ‘hey O, I’m not here to give you the happy pill or anything like that, it’s the other way around, I’m pushing you to open the can of worms and start peeling the layers of the onion till we find out what life really is, that’s what it’s all about’. Cool. It all takes a simple talk with someone who I willing to help and sort out himself and have open ears to listen ways of self support. Yep.
I have realized how I am so ‘picky’ with people, specially males that I meet because I would always filter them through my ‘tastes’ – meaning the preprogramed view of males as people to like – and so condition my expression towards them according to how much I liked or disliked them because of their way of being – personality, thoughts, opinions, etc – and exist in judgment towards what I thougth was ‘wrong’ or ‘rude’ or whatever. Now I stop immediately and just let things flow accepting their ways and participating when words come out from my mouth without premeditation or over analizing it. I would be so ‘mean’ as being cool and open with people that seemed similar to me (system recognition) and I would be quite cold and hard with people that I noticed were way different or not fitting into my schemes of how people ‘should be’, quite a stubborn eh.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression towards males according to self interest in what fit my ideals of what and how a man ‘should be’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate people by observing and analizing them within my first impression of them to then, create a judgment as a ‘point of view’ towards them and within that, create separation by deciding to ‘like them’ or not according to what I wanted to experience with people
I forgive myself that I accpeted and allowed myself to ever be only listening to others communicating with me without really hearing the words and being completely here but going into the mind and wandering off
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever judge and categorize males according to ‘what I saw’ within them as ways of relating themselves with the rest of the people
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be an observer within life, merely an observer that judged and criticized the system without realizing that I am the one that has to stop separation within me and start taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing in this world as all as one as equal
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have preferences to talk with males rather than women when it comes to sharing and socializing with people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within the idea of me intimidating most of the people.
i forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed such separation as judgments of and as the mind who Isn’t who we are but who we think we are.