So noticing that all the Self Forgiveness works with the actual STOP in the moment of the action that comes once again, presenting itself, to test myself within my application. I mean this within the slightest Sly-test lol situation where I would usually go into habits of the mind and reaction in a certain way that I had defined myself to be. For example, getting a bit nervous when meeting a man that I considered to be ‘cool’ and so would immediately act and change my ways of being. Or when finding out that my friend went to the movies with another friend – which would usually make me feel jealous in the past – not anymore, and it’s like literally stopping the preprogrammed and habitual reaction that would come up and rise in the past. That’s cool.
I spent most of the day transcribing and translating the End of Self videos and yeah it was cool, enjoyed writing those words as me as well, both languages and yep there’s a lot to work on – anyone may hop in for the transcription/translation ride of videos at desteni forum –
I went to the last internet radio session and I resisted to go because I knew there was going to be a ‘poet’ – and the topic obviously being poetry – as a guest, but I pushed once again – which I call part of embracing myself as all as me one and equal – and I went there.
First had to stop reactions because I had created – unexpectedly – expectations of what this ‘poet’ would be like and probably look like and act. Expectations fucked with my mind and so when actually meeting the guy I realized that it was nothing as I had ‘preprogrammed’ myself to expect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea, opinion and stereotype of what a ‘poet’ is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations upon meeting someone according to their identity within a personality of the mind that is defined in and of this world as a poet
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited and defined within expectations of how certain people as ‘poets’ usually talk, look and express themselves.
So yep, had to stop that first reaction of actually finding the guy as cool looking and then, this regard towards him as being more ‘open’ because of coming from north part of Mexico – where people is way more ‘open’ and sociable – and so stopped that, then I was myself again even though I had lost myself for a couple of minutes while the first confrontation with a ‘new’ being there. So we discussed various topics with regards to him writing. I pushed through with questions with regards of ‘who he is’ within the starting point of writing poetry, and seeing his words as an expression of him, as the ‘truth’ of him or how he used words then. .. lol the last question I pulled out was: if you suddenly had no feelings or emotions to write about and all your memories were erased, what would you write about or how would your poetry be like only with what is here? And he first laughed and said, well it could be ‘more interesting’ but he said that in a sarcastic way and then said that he then would be boring and basically later said that it wouldn’t just be ‘life’ for him. Lol yeah I also had to stop the judgment towards him after finding out he believes in a god and jesus and even though I said I was a self – proclaimed blasphemus – which was only to trigger his ‘points’ out – he said that he knows he might be beLIEving a Lie but still, that it wouldn’t change anything for him if finding out this. So well, he basically talked about love, dis-love, sadness, alcohol, sex, love and drugs but still wasn’t so ‘high’ up in a role of poet yet believing that alcohol, being lovesick and a fan of sadness is a way of existing in this world and saying he ‘feels alive’. Oh well.
I did have to STOP myself from going into immediate judgment while listening to his words or his poems and really trying to get out something out of them, so I wasn’t unconditionaly listening to the words, but trying ot find the images or the sense in that – pootry! pootry! –
yet… the guy’s expressing himself through it, yeah filled with feelings and emotions but hell, I know I can’t change everyone’s mind so I merely sit there, asked some questions trying to get how he stands within his words and then, stopping from actually judging the comments that were being made with regards to human emotions and feelings and alcohol and sex and whatnot and how he enjoys being at a bar because he escapes from reality, and how he says he began writing just to grab girls’ asses. Hmm. lol
Anyways, I’m seeing that I would be quite moralistic about stuff even though I used to read Bukowski, Miller, Vian and other vicarious writers from the 20th century. lol How doubled-moral I was. So merely a manifestation of morality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like an ‘ignorant’ for not having read of some poets/writers that were mentioned by the guest today, not realizing that is mere knowledge and information that is useless for what’s actually HERE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into immediate dismissal of a person according to them voicing their belief in a god
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the guest at the show just because of beliefs, ways of life and words he spoke as his writings because they don’t ‘agree’ with what is to live in self honesty, not realizing that I cannot place myself against everyone here just because of them not being aware of what self hoensty is as all as one as equal here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out to the show just because of knowing that the topic would be poetry and me having a resistance towards it because of not willing to support mind constructs as feelings and emotions wtihin typical love situations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a beings’ expression through words as poetry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from poetry
What is poetry? Once I remember Lavey or Satan – don’t know who from the evil side lol – said at chat session that poetry was a way of beings not being direct and clear to the point but instead, beating around the bush talking in these ‘poetic’ ways of writing – and that created an idea within me because , for long time tried to understand some poetry, couldn’t figure it out. I wanted and desired to enjoy it as much as some friends of mine that would clearly rejoice in poetry… I just couldn’t – and part of the starting point for me studying literature was a deliberate desire to ‘understand’ and ‘get’ poetry. It was weird definitely and just a need to be accepted in certain groups of friends who were quite into poetry and literature – when I first was in literature career – and yeah, glad I didn’t have to pretend and be phoney about ‘enjoying poetry’ no mater how hard I tried, because I would be quite direct saying to the people OK I don’t get poetry that much, but I’ll give it a ‘try’.
Seeing this I discover that I enjoy a being’s direct and raw expression more than a sugar coated way of writing. Speaking at the moment is different, but when having the opportunity to write yeah I see that writing as poetry is also a limitation as ‘having to be written in certain ways’ to make it sound ‘special’ or ‘different’ from any other verbal expression. I thought that my ‘taste’ for poetry would develop in a future, why? because I knew that people that ‘got’ poetry -according to my ideas – were sensitive and refined in taste and would acquire a definitive way of seeing the world, not in a ‘vulgar’ way meaning, popular, usual, raw way which means all equal indeed, lol! see what a simple deal like poetry entails within my mind? wow. And it is only a word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard people that ‘enjoy’ poetry as ‘high in tastes’ and culture
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard anyone as ‘more than’ me when they have a ‘high level’ of culture as part of their personality such as having read many books and enjoying poetry
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define poets as special beings with the ability to astound people with words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever define colloquial ways of speaking as vulgar and ‘not refined’ therefore, taking an expression as poetry as ‘higher’ and ‘refined’ and ‘sensitive’ as how a human should have to express themselves.
That reminded me of the time when I had declared a ‘fight against words’ because I thought that images were greater than words as being able to say lots and at the same time, say nothing at all if one desired to do so. Oh well too much ‘visions’ here and it’s not going to support you in any way.
ALL is a perception of myself and how I wanted to create myself around ideas of what is poetry, what are words within poetry, the images that are created within it and then, images themselves – as the ‘part’ that I chose to create art from/as.
Yeah well it is discipline to stop systems from churning inside, there’s no other way, like it’s being said: they won’t just ‘go away’ or fade or vanish in a single moment. We have to literally stop ourselves and direct ourselves as one and equal. Embracing is Here.
So the point is that none of this is REAL because they are all opinions as what I perceived myself to be, what defined me, what created a certain ‘point of view’ from which I would stand to relate to others, from which I was defined as and by. I stop this, because it’s uselss, it isn’t here, it isn’t real.
I only live the words as who I am, if not, then silence is the coolest ‘poetry’ that could ever be unwritten lol