At this moment I am in quite the same state I would be after reading a great book, a book which – back in the days- would leave me with a pint of fresh air and being, once again, right on time to consider many things.
Wow, I see why movies are great in this way. They do are able to change a moment in your life, to get you inside it and live it as if it was yours.
I had forgotten why I liked and enjoyed reading books of lonely characters who would usually get on the road or would open themselves into new experiences, would be adventurous, just like ‘On the Road’ and other books by Jack Kerouac. I enjoyed living the adventurous life they had without having to live it myself because, being honest, I denied myself to be capable of being an adventurous person. And that’s been a constant within my life. Even when actually doing something ‘kind’ of adventurous I felt the threat of the ‘world’ as society, as ‘mean people’ or adverse situations – anything would give me that hint of fear which I see hasn’t allowed me to live fully and completely here.
Into the Wild is the name of a movie I just watched. A passed it on to me and had no words to describe it, just said: you gotta watch it, you’ll love it. And well… it’s just, once again, one of those movies with the exact timing in your life.
I went through several ’emotions’ or should I say states because well I’ll write about it.
I am aware I’m going back to school next week, I’m stopping all the usual cycles of not wanting to go back etc, lol just as a little kid that gets hooked on holidays. Yep, I’d always experience that. Then there’s this awareness of me going to make a year after the lie of my life was revealed and how I have ‘lived’ since then. wow. Then kind of checking prices if I want to go and visit the farm this summer, mother and sister being worried about me not missing classes just because of the trip. I said that I didn’t care, that I cared more about going there yet that bothered them and began saying that I have to end this carreer, that they won’t allow me to not finish it after all the money that has been spent – yeah money, always, right – and how then I would be anyone without a title and so on. This I recognize, at the moment the system works like that, but some part of me also just refuses to go through it yet, fuck, it’s simple really. The point is actually the threat I received, specifically from my sister, saying that she wouldn’t allow me to drop it all and be no one and have no opportunities for a job. Lol, I guess I enterd this carreer to not have to face that so there’s like this big can opening up for me, facing things about moving myself. Yep, being the little sister I have always existed with the protection of others – parents, older sisters – and now it’s like, wake up marlen, you have to do things on your own.
Why do I always end up with the same feeling after watching a movie that portrays what living life would really be like, what facing you and the environment and out of laws and rules and society would be like. It’s like this feeling of yearning for that yet, remaining stuck within this.
It’s always survival, that’s isn’t what life is about. It’s always keeping yourself alive and that’s what this movie is about – if I could describe it in a sentence – yet I could write a whole post about the movie, but I strongly suggest you all watch it. Great stuff
Pain is experienced now from my lower back stretching to all my legs. First reading the end of self awareness documents, then actually realizing and facing what I’m currently doing as being at schol and then watching the movie and what it really takes to get off the system for a while and be completely on your own, surviving through this world.
Reactions I had while watching this movie was the consideartion of myself as not being an adventurous person, considering that I would ‘never’ do or be able to go through what the character in this movie went through, yet, it was a real life story. wow. Then came the realization of me living this preprogrammed life surrounded by comfort and security, not having to risk almost anything from day to day. It’s a beautiful cage, isn’t it? The sentence that comes at the moment is: the coursage to live in self hoensty from jack-o the man, lol
I’m kind of ‘speechless’ after having watched that movie so I really really suggest you watch it please and give some feedback when you’ve done so.
Here’s a ‘dramatic’ trailer: www.youtube.com/watch
And yes, I can’t say much until you’ve watched that but an overall feeling that came is how I have lived my ‘life’ within such safe boundaries, I haven’t moved or dared much, which implies fear of change and fear of loss of what I currently live within and as. Which implies my whole life experience up until this moment.
Would I die knowing that I had done all I could or would I die in regret of not having done anything to change my lie into a life?
TOday it was in those apparently ‘insignificant’ moments where I saw myself as a baby, I saw myself as a child, I saw myself as shakti, as each thing I could see of. Even in the movie. A baby smiled at me and I tried to tell her without words that I am her as well, that we are life, and I felt so powerless because there’s this little baby, riding with her mother in a bus in a big city, a little baby brought into this world….
There wasn’t needed any words, I saw all in her face, from the expression of life to the awareness of what she’s gotten herself into. ANd there’s no way out but facing this as ourselves. I couldn’t just ‘welcome’ her to this world, it’s as if she knew me and I knew her as life for a moment just staing at each other. I felt cool by having made her laugh and wondered what I looked like to her, what she saw. Then I knew it is all the same, she seemed like a year and a half old….
It’s past my time to rest, have to go but…
Thanks for reading and being Here and be standing up to reveal ourselves to ourselves as what we’ve become.
I thank you as me, as life. Let’s uncover what Life really IS