|My One-year Experience within Process of Self Realization
One year ago I was finishing reading a book of the Mayan Calendar that Ian Xel Lungold recommended in his lectures that I watched in youtube given on the topic. When I finished this book, I felt convinced that the Mayan Calendar was ‘the way to go’ lol – and I had been at that time desperately looking for ‘the ultimate answer’, the ‘ultimate practice or belief’ that would be the ‘guidance’ of my life – so searching for more videos on the topic, stumbled upong Ian Xel Lungold from the AFTERLIFE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxFpIjdfu20) WOW! I had witnessed myself what later on I knew were called ‘channelings’ and so I watched this girl doing the same and I thought she was ‘channeling’ Ian Xel, so I avidly watched the three interviews. I was so excited and amazed and felt it all so ‘out of this world’ that I even text messaged my mother to say: I’ve found videos of this girl that allows death people to speak and it’s amazing! At the moment it was an ‘amazing’ thing to have it all on videos.
Of course this was a ‘culmination’ point -literally -to the quest I had embarked myself into to find the ‘ultimate truth’, a ‘practice’, a ‘belief’, a ‘religion’, a something that would lead me to be apparently ‘more’ than who I am. I had been intensively searching in and out religions ( lol I typed "religons’ = really gones), spiritual practices, philosophies and anything that was out there in terms of searching for ‘something more’ – just as it has been explained extensively in material here – but never realizing that all I was ‘missing’ was myself as LIfe as all as One as Equal.
This was the message that I heard over and over again through a series of videos I watched that same night – this was Jan 29th at night – next day, I joined this forum and saw the vastness of the information here, all the videos available back then – which were certainly about half of what’s available at Desteni Productions channel at the moment – and it seemed too vast, I wondered ‘how the hell am I going to stop my mind? am I going to become like a vegetable? ‘ lol and all the usual fears that one endures when first going through desteni material. Then I just committed myself to watch all the videos before actually participating in the forum.
Nevertheless, I was still trying to find a ‘quick fix’ – while watching all the videos the inevitable ‘break down’ came. I decided to keep it to myself, I didn’t participate in forums and actually went it all by myself, not being able to talk this with anyone, only asking myself: what’s going on in here? lol I am able to laugh at this now but it certainly was ‘my worst nightmare’ in that moment: realizing that ALL I have lived and thought myself to be was a lie, wow. At that moment I was still smoking weed and I remember that I would prepare myself a joint and then watch all the videos, because I thought that I could ‘handle’ all the info better this way – lol – each video I knew would expose a point within me where I have existed in self deception, eye openers all the way.
I drank videos like water of the day, I certainly felt a click with each word that was being said. I just couldn’t refute anything said, common sense ranged my ears. I did went through the usual questioning about the Portal and how does it work? and why only these people are aware of it? why isn’t this message OUT THERE! like promoted everywhere. This certainly felt like a Life-changing event. And it certainly was.
My life changed completely because I was looking for nice ideas of beauty, peace, oneness as the spiritual mess-age of New Agers but never actually considered that all that I was ‘attaining’ and ‘looking for’ was LIFE! and that I already AM that yet, we are lost in our heads looking for ‘more’ to entertain ourselves. Wow, Life was something that I was aware of but never to such extent. I had been looking for ways to ‘ascend’ myself and be one of the ‘chosen ones’ to ‘fix this world’. Lol, this all crumbled down every single day as I received videos from Desteni with regards to the actual situation in this world: war, famine, abuse, disregard of animals as one and equal to us, disregard of the environment, money, politics and all the atrocities that were and are happening HERE as myself as well. I was so into ‘beauty’ and ‘peace’ and ‘harm.on.me’, that becoming aware of what’s here and what we’ve all created changed my perspective entirely, completely: I knew that there wasn’t any going ‘back’ within this.
Let’s say that most of February was the watching material period, I wanted to know if there was something else I could ‘do’ besides Breathing, applying Self Forgiveness ans Self Corrective Action in Self Honesty, Writing – it all seemed ‘too simple’ – because I was still looking for the ‘ultimate truth’ out there in separation of myself. I remember that after having watched a lot of videos I realized: ‘hmm, maybe this is it, so simple, Life as all as One as Equal – breathing to remain in Self Honesty and apply Self Forgiveness for all that I’ve thought, felt and experienced in separation of myself. Ok’
And this is how I jumped into the wagon of being aware of Process, applying myself and what is it that I’m standing up for. Reading, watching videos became part of my way of realizing what’s going on – it seemed I had been blindfolded my whole existence, and it was just coming off for me to actually SEE and realize what is it that’s going on here.
I also sent messages to people at Desteni with regards to me understanding the ‘point’ but yet, I feared losing myself with regards to ‘who I am’ as the mind and I was whining about it at first, yet the easiest and coolest answer I got was – paraphrasing – that all I was experiencing was of the mind, fearing to lose itself, not coming from me as who i really am" I actually laughed with myself and watched the Design of the Whiner (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEFP3KT5iYo) -saw myself within that, laughed with myself, applied Self Forgiveness and moved on.
So who decided to apply unconditionally the tools here? Me as who I really am, not my mind, my mind felt awkward those first times that I decided to give Self Forgiveness "a try". It felt awkward because later I knew this wasn’t part of my preprogrammed life which made it all quite cool because then I knew that I was finally doing something for ME as who I really am, beyond any other practice that involved belief and desire of attainment in my past -and a connection to a ‘god’ out there who would be apparently ‘guiding’ me throughout my life – This was me standing up.
And so it was like instantaneous commitment since then, thanked myself for finding Desteni before I actually enrolled myself into a ‘spiritual quest’ that I know would’ve lead me nowhere. I was centimeters away from falling into the pit of spirituality for real, for the ‘eternal seek’.
Later on I realized that I could’ve participated more in forum to get support from others that had already gone through the initial breakdown, but it was cool this way as well, participating when I already had the ‘tools’ understood and so, Forum was like finally realizing: hey there are others committed to this as well, very cool! And since then, forum has been of great support and assistance throughout our processes – thankful for that as well.
My experience through this year has been great from the perspective of me being aware of myself, developing common sense – which is something that I enjoy very much, being able to bring the simplicity in every moment in any situation – creating a you tube channel and actually broadcast myself there, talking about my experience and making myself ‘available’ in just a click – that was such a dare for me, I would’ve never done such a thing, but I knew that this was the opportunity to lose all fears and stand up for myself. Then creating a blog where I write almost on a daily basis with regards to every day’s experiences, going into the past and applying self forgiveness on each point I see and realize I am being self dishonest.
Like Bernard said once in chat: self honesty is not nice or beautiful,t is the truth of self in the moment of self expression expressed to see the nature –
With this understanding and later on a realization while seeing what Self Forgiveness is for, saw that this process is about realizing all the shit that I’ve created and existed as to finally peel the layers of the onion and see myself with all that I’ve become – forgive unconditionally to give myself back to all the separation points I created while existing and being directed as the mind – to finally stand here as one as equal and sort out this ALLtogether.
This is a process and this year has been pretty much the ‘settlement’ of this practical living of all the information I’ve gotten through videos, articles and the uncountable forum posts. I remember once being ‘worried’ because I had heard that there were going to be 79 years of process -lol – heard it all wrong it was seven to nine years – but as I continued watching and reading I realized: there’s not even a reason to keep track on how long will this take, because we are Here and there’s no where else to go, so no matter how long it takes, we’ll get this done for all as One.
One of the greatest things is realizing that I am not alone in this, that we are all going through the same and that I am the only one that is able to support myself, to apply myself – and fascinatingly I’ll be also supporting and transcending stuff for all as one as well – for instance, the "savior system" that used to define me is slowly but surely being reduced to ashes lol – and I could make a long long post describing it all, but that’s what my blog does at the moment –
There’s not one day where – even if we realize that the message is basically the same in all of the material – I get different perspectives and realizations towards each point that we’ve all existed as in separation of who we really are as Life, without taking into consideration what Oneness and Equality really implies.
There’s no way I am able to give up on myself, I was sharing in private forum how I cannot fathom the fact of people ‘walking away’ from process and applying themselves after they’ve been here in forums, watched videos, read material, received unconditionALL support from everyone here and yet, deciding to ‘quit’. How is one able to ‘quit’ from who you really are? how are you able to give the back to Life?
The cool part within process is that there’s nothing else to be, there’s nothing to attain, to search and look for anymore, there are no practices, no beliefs, no ideas.. to sum up: no bullshit. Plain self assistance, plain self movement to actually direct myself within the starting point of self honesty, simplicity in every moment, breathing and stopping unnecessary thoughts in mind. What a huge change this has been and I’m thankful with myself as you as me for being here, for being supporting each other and to be willing to stand up no mater what.
Let’s keep breathing ourselves as Life and disentangling the realms of the mind.
Thanks to you All.
Don’t Turn Your Back on Life – etching, 2008
January 29, 2009