Haste: urgency of movement
weary: mentally of physically exhausted by being dreary, burdensome, bored, frustrated.
So my mother pointed out to me that i seem hasty and weary. I had to look for the exact definition of the word in spanish she said: hastío: disgust, tediousness, annoyance, general anger towards something
Lots of words that do ring my ears, specially when it seems that it’s become my way of being when being with another someone without me actually noticing it.
Well this came up when I went out with my mother and while she was driving I wanted her to hurry to get there faster and it’s as if I needed air and felt an overall discomfort in the van. I hadn’t looked at it this way, and she said that I was full of ‘hastío’ meaning that expression of just not enjoying myself in the moment. i came up with all sorts of stupid excuses as ‘having more air in a public transportation bus’ or any other sentence that could ‘excuse’ my behaviour there, then I just remained quiet and analized my every movement while there. I stopped that rush inside me. It’s true. Sometimes it’s like wanting to get things done right away, even when browsing in forums when I log in, I see oh boy there’s a lot to read! and go through it all but not waiting and being unconditional with regards to giving myself time and do everything in a nonchalant way. I usually want to ‘finish having read all’ even before I start, so … that’s quite fucked up because I’m living for a next moment where ‘everthing’s done and i’m back into my own ‘peace’ in this example of me going out, back to my ‘peace’ would be back at home.
WIth regards to the general feeling of tediousness I get that last times I have been to A’s house, a general disgust, I see myself being like angry or annoyed -mostly annoyed – by just being there and so I rather step out and go because there’s no point in me experiencing this and making others realize that I’m being annoyed by ‘god knows what’
What am I annoyed by? Fuck this is a serious question because it seems that I look like that and act like that with others, usually family and people that I’ve known for quite some time. And this has been pointed out by A specifically, that I show disgust and annoyance within myface and what I say and this is something that I haven’t been quite aware of. Seems to me that I’m merely looking to be with people that ‘understand’ myself as speaking the same language of oneness and equality, which means that I’m not completely and entirely embracing myself as who I am here, but still reacting and I see that this desire to ‘change those who are around me’ as well is lying beneath it. I guess from this realization I understand how I am afraid of becoming bitter towards others as myself. IT’s all been done unto me. THis general feeling of insatisfaction maybe which is becoming more prominent for me and everyone else to see.
THe only thing that’s ‘missing’ is myself so I have to stop this.