A bit Lost

It feels as if this day was a complete waste of time. I know it is all quite bullshit because I had woken up with such ‘great heights’ and then it was merely a downfall the whole day. I had ‘many plans’ and ended up doing just one of the things I was going to do. What a waste. It sucks and I don’t like being like this, having no ‘strength’ to move myself and just being completely like a zombie walking around. It’s like not having any ‘motivation’ yeah that’s the point, motivation, I am not motivating myself to move myself.

I have been really facing with the whole side of me that’s quite insecure with what I’m doing. I’m lacking self confidence at this moment and it shows. I am not even able to place myself to create something. I’ve felt stuck while drawing, I’ve felt stuck while trying to take a picture, I’ve felt stuck and I had even yearned to smoke to get some ‘inspiration’ like I used to – of course I didn’t, but let’s say I’ve gone too far to even think about it, and not just once.

And it’s like ’empty’ yet I know I’m here, there’s nothing empty per se, there’s nothing that I am missing but Myself! but damnit, it’s like I’ve lost a sense of what is it that I’m supposed to do or be with regards to ‘move’ myself here and actually be supporting myself in this world.  I go everywhere yet it seems pointless. I bought a concert ticket to see one of my ‘favorite’ singers and I kind of got excited but it wasn’t that ‘great’ – I mean, it seems plain, completely.

I had a fucking discussion again with A, not even discussion it’s the same attitude I’ve been noticing and I’m just tired of people talking about relationships that fuck themselves and so I’m also not in my center, because I’m allowing such fuckedupness to influence me. Yikes. Yeah complete disaster I know. And then he claims that I just need some’ love’ to get this bitterness out of me.

Let’s say I see no meaning in doing anything, what for? and yeah this is a point where I’ve been before and it usually goes away. Let’s say it might be a hard day where I literally went out and lost the opportunity to go watch the stars… got frustrated by that and it was all because I really was too lazy to move myself out form home. I went downtown, walked around a bit and felt just misserable and sad and lonely again. It’s a general feeling of sadness and I know this, I’ve felt this before in my life and I have to stop the cycles because it does fuck with me – I remain completely numb and doing nothing for myself, I entertained myself with some music and watching hundreds of photos by this great fucking photographer and I felt sad because just like any other time I felt with one artist: fuck, he’s alrady done it all.

Yeah, have been quite ‘lost’ within that as well. I’ve felt ‘no creativity’ within me, that actual impulse that would exist within me is like, gone, has been gone. I have drawn but I’m not even enjoying it. Las thursday I woke up with the idea of "I have to go take some pictures, somewhere" so I went to the market and the burned place I wanted to take pics of, was already been re-built so that was a bummer, again, procrastination was the problem. So there are lots of things that are like falling one on top of the other and I know it’s all in my head. I spent some time speaking self forgiveness out loud before leaving but fuck, really it’s just ‘one of those days’ that you just feel like shit, nothing, not even wanting to move myself for anything really. And so…. yes. I have to do something about my attitude. Probably going back to school and getting myself to work by requirement of an schedule might " work". Although, really, what concerns me the most is this lack of ‘creativity’, of being making things and enjoying the view as I used to. Yet it all feels alive to me.

And it’s like this stupid program inside running of memories of how and with whom I used to enjoy myself, but fuck. There’s no point in even going there, it’s not here and it was never real anyways.

I have to do an etching and I just don’t know what to do. Fuck this is very rare.
One of the quotes that scared me the most in one of the desteni videos was ‘Humans: stop creating!’ because I thought it meant that I had to stop creating completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this day was a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by certain mood in the day, allowing a certain mood to influence me and direct me instead of me stopping and directing mysefl within it

I forgiv emyself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how and where and with whom I would spend my day, therefore, getting ‘down’ by not fulfilling my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain without willing to move myself, to feel lazy, to sleep more deliberately because I see no point in moving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completel sad and a zombie walking around, because of seeeing and finding no meaning to everything that exists currently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify this ‘mood’ with how I felt years and years ago when I was a teenager that felt depressed and sad and in a constant ‘yearning’ for something which I couldn’t describe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to get ‘motivation’ from someone or something else in separation of me, instead of moving me for myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had not ‘strength’ today to move myself. i am strength, I accept myself as strength, I do not accept and allow myself to be waiting for someone or something to ‘move’ me throughout my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that all I’m lacking is chocolate to compensate my sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to past experiences as sadness and a feeling of depression as not being willing to do anything for myself.

I forgive msyelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so lazy to get myself typing earlier in the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that I had ‘tons to do’ yet I did nothing, because I wasn’t ‘feeling like doing it’ – within this allowing myself to be ‘moved’ and ‘directed’ by the mind, by a certain state of mind such as depression or sadness and a general ‘wasted’ mood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely in need of spending time with someone else to not feel ‘alone’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek company to my missery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like misery today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self confidence and therefore, exist in complete self judgment towards my every mood, therefore paralizing myself and doing nothing but sink within those thoughts, instead of stopping them in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to be angry at myself and externalize this towars others and my overall expression towards others, because I’ve defined myself to be unsatisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and cover up this general self disgust and uncomfortability that I experience within me, feeling caged – hence the desire to be moving around, that hastyness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck within myself and not wanting to do ‘anything’ because I see no point in anything I ‘have’ or could do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck while drawing, because of wanting a certain outcome, because of wanting to go ‘beyond my expectations’ therefore existing in complete comparison towards myself as my previous stuff – therefore not being clear within my expression, but being conditioning it according to ‘what I have done’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck in expressing myself in any ways: speaking, relating myself with others, drawing, taking pictures – because – I don’t know!

what is the situation going on here? It’s just that I see no meaning in what I do –  because how is this going to support me? It feels that I’ve already ‘done’ what I had to, yet I know this is bullshit because I haven’t even gotten to my own ‘limits’ so…  yep.

I would say it’s a general feeling of not being living – completely –   so yeah, seems the cans of worms are being opened. Seeing all that general feeling of ‘wanting to be someone else’ and in other situations because it seems that, who I am at the moment isn’t pleasant enough or something.

And then! I remember I would listen to songs that would usually be about feeelings and waiting for a ‘perfect love’ and whatnot and i would feel always like a comfort within that but now, I listen to that and it’s all empty – see, the problem here is I am still desiring Life as ‘living’ related to experiences as emotions and feelings, so that’s major fuck up because I already know this ‘feelings’ wouldn’t last.

Like for example, A today was saying how he couldn’t fathom how he was able to ‘forget’ the ‘love’ he had towards his gf after having been almost a year together and having been very ‘in love’ and now, that he’s ‘free’ – so to speak – again, he doesn’t miss the ‘love’ lol. Yet he gets all offended because I say that I don’t care about that, that it’s all in his head and that it’s his gf’s problem if she misses him, yet he says i’m too harsh and aggressive – got that ‘you’re so aggressive’ phrase in less than 24 hours by two different men. wow.

lol

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that LIVING isn’t related to a experience such as feeling, emotion within me, so I stop desiring and feeling ’empty’ by not experiencing any feeling or desire for anything because I am all backwards in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still yearn for an experience within me, for still being desiring to get a ‘something’ out of relating myself to anything: be it a person or a thing which I am able to express myself with

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘tired’ and ‘lazy’ because apparently not having a ‘motivation’ to move and get going within this world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself for myself, to stand as who I am and just be here with every activity that I have to take an action upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misserable with myself today, for feeling lonely because I wasn’t willing to do anything for myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sadness as myself, to desire crying and crying out of the blue, just to feel ‘something’

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever falling in love again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my past experiences as being too defined and too used to being with someone, therefore blaming the past for me feeling ‘lost’ at this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘sad’ and ‘low’ because I haven’t had ‘inspiration’ and ‘desire’ to express myself through drawings or taking pictures or anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself up and think, believe and percieve that everything is meaningless, worthless therefore there’s no point in moving myself because then eventually this will lead me to become static

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dead by not experiencing any ‘desires’ for someone as I used to

See the point here is feeling ‘dead’ and a ‘zombie’ apparently because of not being experiencing a close feeling of ‘love’ or whatnot, a sexual desire etc. THat’s why I feel ‘dead’ inside.

I have been preety much aware of how I used to ‘spice up’ my life, with little insignificant details, events, thoughts that would charge feelings and ‘keep me going’ – now that it’s  like washing away, it feels ’empty’ yet this is a perception of the mind because who I am, who I really am isn’t defined by this nimious things.

I am strength, I am self movement, I am Life therefore i do not require any feelings and emotions to feel alive- duh!

well after writing it all out, I am more Here.

thanks for reading the rants here. Let’s stooop!

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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