overwhelming

So I am back in the city.

Was hard getting back to the usual rout-ine and couldn’t stop myself from questioning what is it that I’m doing and how I have endured three years already. I say ‘endured’ because this city is chaos, really, yet I chose to come here to study, that was my ‘dream’ and I question every ‘dream’ I made within that. I really was praying to god that I would get some ‘deal’ and get out of school, meaning, using school as a platform for something else. Yet, fuck, I see I have to complete what I started and even though all sorts of questions with regards to : where is this really taking me? pop up every moment.

I actually had to mantain myself not thinking-overthinking and going back to memories. It is usually – cyclic deal – hard to go back to school, all my life has been that way. i never understood how people would get bored in their holidays, lol, I don’t get bored of not having schooL! lol and as I have mentioned, I question the fact of having the opportunity to actually support myself as one and equal within art.

Didn’t have school today, it was a free day in this country, saw some processions going on around here because I live near a ‘town’ that is part of mexico city, yet, they still keep their traditions. ..

Did some cleaning, greeted my plants and they were nearly dying so that wasn’t cool at all but yeah they know I’m here now and I’ll take care of them. Bought fruit and some stuff to eat….. whenever I think of the whole amount of time I will have to keep doing this – meaning going from city to city and being here and there in continuous shiftings – it gets overwhelming. Yet I take responsibility, I created this, I chose this and now I am walking it

The most difficult is the deal with me not feeling necessarily ‘creative’ at this moment, feel rather stuck and it’s like ageneral feeling yet, it is a feeling. Yesterday at night I was realizing that, all the ‘overwhelming’ feelings I usually get when going back to school is because I think of the number of times I’ll be going back and forth, how many years are still left for me to finish, by even thinking of ‘getting to that end’ gets overwhelming. that’s why one breath at a time, stopped it. Sincerely listening to music eased the process of going in buses and the usual deal here. Yet I’ve walked this almost three years already, wow. That has been quite a lot, sometimes in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged to keep going today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by thoughts of time and total amount of it I’ll have to still spend here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually bear guilt because of money, because I am making my father spend money therefore, I have to get through it because ‘he’s invested too much in me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a ‘low’ feeling whenever I’m back to school and back to the city, because I do not enjoy myself completely so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my thoughts in consideration of where I am living, standing instead of being stable here no matter where, no matter what I have to do or go through, I breathe through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety when realizing all that I still ‘have to go through’ to finish school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to exist within a future projection of the mind isntead of being here, in every breath: no past, no future, only the moment here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the burden of my sister threatening to ‘never allow me dropping off of school’ therefore, feeling a pressure to ‘do it’ instead of doing it for me, to move and support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repent from my decisions at a certain time in my life because they were based in illusions and not what reality is like and based upon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this life is tough, not realizing that life in itself is simple yet we make it complicated due to the money system that is currentl running the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertainty of the future, instead of merely being here, unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I just need a chocolate to be ‘cool’ again – i’m in 21 days of no chocolate or any sweet of the kind –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek ways to compensate the chocolate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed when thinking of the overall process going on within earth because of the thought of it being ‘too much’ and ‘difficult to get done’

I focus on myself, I apply myself: I am self trust, I do not accept and allow myself to exist in past and future of consciousness, I am not the future or the past, i am here in every breathe as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my abilities to actually ‘make art’

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to define me as ‘running low in confidence’ instead of standing up and accepting myself, embracing myself which is accepting myself and walking one and equal to who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing myself and my expectatives, not realizing that I fucked myself by reating expectativesd such as expecting things from me, and if not achieved, then I feel wasted time.

ok, let’s see how it goes.

thanks

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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