remain here

Cold morning here. Had an interesting development of day, from feeling discouraged and even ‘sad’ to standing up. Well the deal is I realize that there’s no point to Isolate myself. Yet there are many points

I went to pay water and light services, had to walk through usually fluent streets now packed with cars, fuck knows why but I walked along this long street and there were cars going by one after another but nearly static, very little movement and flow in there so I really disliked the fact that I had to smell all the gas burning from cars, trailers and buses all the way to these department offices. It sucked because not even ‘breathing through it’ was nice. So I kept on sayin got myself not to get overwhelmed by this situation and just getting it done and getting back home. But see, realize how we’ve made of our ‘homes’ not a place to comfortably be by own choice, it’s like an obligated thing if you want to keep yourself safe from outsie noise and pollution and ‘dangers’, it’s like a refugee, that isn’t living. I kept wondering inside myself why did I never consider what life would be here in the city before actually choosing to come here, well there was no option to study this in a ‘good school’ anywhere else.

So I just payed the stuff, walked home as fast as I could and had breakfast, felt lonely and cold and knew that I was being controlled by thoughts by the past playing out right there, so I had to stop. Wrote self forgiveness as the following:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down and depressed because of having to walk amongst hundreds of cars in the streets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and down because I’m not walking in the place I usually walk when in my home city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because everything looks gray here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have weary eyes all the time in sign and expression of me not enjoying this at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need sugar to compensate my ‘depression’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged to keep going doing what I am doing as going to school to get a paper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still exist in thoughts because if being in the breath I move myself, I direct myself and don’t allow thoughts to overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated from the moment I wake up because of thinking that I have to ‘go through this’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can avoid facing this, that there’s something or somewhere else I could be at, not realizing that I have to face what I chose, what I created for myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disgusted of all the polluted air that is around here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having chosen to come here to study, because never took into consideration life in itself and me living in this environment, but actually only going for self interest of wanting to be ‘an artist’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see no point in being here because I’m not sure if I even want to be ‘an artist’ anymore

but yeah, how to move myself to support what’s best for all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck and lost with regards to ‘what I am able to do’ to support myself as one and equal and live in self honesty. .

That’s the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because of spending money from my father to sustain myself and this place I currently live in without me fully ‘being’ into the career as going and giving it all for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that there’s no point in continuing this because it’s not of my full interest anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up before even getting started

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire sleeping more these days because I feel more comfortable sleeping than awake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am suffering, not realizing that I have no idea of what real suffering is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a storm inside my brain as thoughts instead of being here in every moment. Go to school, do what is required to be done and get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alienated from my peers because I am not sharing their ‘views’ anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place because I am not trusting myself in this moment which is unacceptable

I trust myself, I direct myself, I am self trust, I am here and I direct myself. I breathe to remain out of thinking in circles that let me down .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so used to the comfort and coziness of my parent’s house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss having an easy life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having things easily all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physically exhausted even though I haven’t done much

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity as energy as being ‘down’ instead of realizing that I create what I think, I am here I am stable I do not accept and allow myself to feel down or depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire speaking with someone so that someone is able to ‘cheer me up’ without realizing that I am merely looking for an external approval of what I am going to do and what I’m going to be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully embrace and accept myself here, so I don’t struggle with what I am capable of doing and what I’m not.

I stop the inner struggle with my head

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious when seeing lots of traffic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I can’ bare this city anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back in time and change my choices, that isn’t real. I move myself here and face what I chose

because who we really are as Life doesn’t struggle, it’s all in our heads! yep this I re-realized when finishing checking out the Fairy Interviews – which I thoroughly recommend you watch, I enjoy Fairy’s expressions all the way and they have such straight and direct way of communicating things that it is quite odd seeing such ‘bubbly’ beings being that straight forward, lol. So yeah there they explained this and I realized that it was cool I had actually overcome this resistance to do ‘anything’ and just be swimming deep in my own mind of inner struggle and thinking that I am able to run away from it, instead of facing it.

Eventually went to school, only got some name of book to read for my first class and left. As I was about to cross the street I felt the same ‘glitch’ in the heart I felt when I was about 14, they had said it was this arrythmia yet, never was sure about this. THose times it woudl be like one ‘step missed’ by the heart so I would usually ‘panic’ in that moment because it felt as If I had lost a moment of breath there, felt not cool at all. But today it wasn’t just ‘one’ but it was like 4 on a roll and I just stood still while that happened but it’s like suddenly the hurt pumping very hard. It also left a bit of ‘pain’ there but not really pain, hard to explain. I was merely about to cross the street, I wasn’t nervous, anxious, in fact I stood quite ‘calm’ while this happened. Anyways, I stopped all fear or reactions while this, though it doesn’t feel cool at all.

Then I went to the other class and I just got to the classroom and sat next to the window to see a big tree next to me – being in third floor – and just seeing how it swayed from side to side because of the great wind blowing there. And then was looking down and some girls see me up, recognize me and wave with such happy faces, lol, girls that I barely know so I waved back lol, strange. Then I merely took my notebook out and began writing some self forgiveness on the Choice document Sunette placed and I had just read and so after a while this guy who is my classmate just sits in front of me and starts talking. I realized that he had gone there to share a moment, so we ended up discussing school, grades, fake titles and shit like that where according to how much money you got, you are able to buy a fake title somewhere downtown so you are able to’come out’ from studying in a university that suits your needs and that you are able to afford to pay for the false document. Then we talked about stones because he makes some ‘jewelry’ with them. And I just realized how I have changed my ‘reactions’ to being with a male or a female around. I am really stopping prejudices to being with a man talking and acting or being certain way to be more ‘girly’ with him even though I am not ‘interested in him’ . I really used to do that and be that with guys… I have been used to having mainly male friends and I developed a way of being this ‘great female’ around them. That is stopping, bringing it all to be one and equal to them as me here. IT’s great because listening to someone unconditionally, without expectations, judgments, ideas or even the desire to impose myself isn’t here anymore. So slowly but surely living that as me. It ‘feels’ great because: there’s no feeling or emotion as anxiety or nervousness or judgment going on, plain embracing here. Then same with other girls that then joined the chat and that’s how the day went on.

One of our teachers was coming and said to me and other two guys – who I would never personally be ‘hanging out with’ in the past because of how they are so into their ‘character’ dressing in certain ways to be ‘individuals’ as being unique – said that from far where she was coming, we all three seemed to be quite in our characters – according to ‘how we dress’ – and she explained the other two guys and said to me that I was dressed tree-like, wearing mostly brown and dark green and being a ‘tree hugger look alike’ lol, I see how teachers love to define and scrutinize everything around them, tagging.
But I am stable there once I’m talking and laughing and sharing myself if I am able to you know, it’s not a struggle anymore or something I am judging inside myself, it just is at the moment.

So came home earlier and read Daryl’s post on being back to the US and had a great great time reading it, made my day. I laughed and enjoyed reading such fresh and vibrant words really, I enjoy his posts as much as I enjoyed reading any of my favorite authors in the past. Won’t bring out names but yeah, that lose yet witty kind of speech. Liked it and enjoyed it yet, he seems to be facing himself 100% which is quite cool.
As I said, I recognize what keeps me down is an awareness of a past and a future, because with no past and no future there’s no need to be recalling: oh I’ve been doing this for 3 years already, Oh and I will have to do this for 2 more years like this," then it does become a burden yep.

Ok so yes, it’s to remain here – not as past or future that fucks it all up. Let’s work on that
see you. thanks!

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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