First day back in workshop. Cool to see the guys there, I know I’ll always have a laugh and enjoy myself with others. Actually it is an opportunity to expand myself because I would- even some months ago- still exist in judgment towards some people there thinking that they ‘didn’t like me’ or made them uncomfortable’ which actually turned out to be merely my mindfuck of me not accepting me and thinking of what others might be thinking about me hence showing where I still exist in fear of judgment. Right so yeah it’s cool that it’s the same to be around this or that person there, regardless of previous conceptions -really writing ‘misconceptions’ is merely a redundant thing to do – and so applying myself in every moment.
I had to do technical part of creating an etching which is preparing the metal plate. Takes long time and so I just focused on getting it done yet in the past this part didn’t bother me that much, today it did. Why? because of the general experience of being doubting myself, being facing myself and questioning my every move and reaction and asking myself why am I doing what I do.
So yes, money here we go. I am looking at a watercolor drawing that I made back in 2003 where I was a careless experimental ‘painter’, the time when I decided to buy those watercolors and just have fun, express myself. THAT was unconditional because I wasn’t pretending anything else, I wasn’t trying to fit into a style or trying to ‘make something good out of it’ no! and proof of my acceptance of all drawings is that no matter how ‘shitty’ it was, I kept it. I haven’t actually destroyed anything I’ve done, except probably for one maybe yet I’m not sure. Since that moment I decided to keep it all because each was an expression of me a part of me.
Then comes how I actually created my ‘dream to come true’ as -from that time – getting into the internet and looking for art universities. I remember that I really doubted my abilities to actually get into a REAL art school, yet I enjoyed dreaming and fantasizing about it.
Then I began talking to others about who I wanted to be, how I wanted to live and experience myself in a future moment while choosing art as a career – damn, there goes the fuck up, future projections.
It seems normal at that age to project yourself into the future, mold it and shape it accordingly to the interest that is moving you – read again: self interest moving you – and deeming it as something that is usual and even asked by teachers at that time, so you have a ‘goal’ in life – lol – So I would always describe me as either being a ‘famous painter that would travel exhitibing works around the world in big cities and living in hotel rooms’ – even made a drawing of that – another dream was to be an editor in chief of an alternative music magazine, live in new york and have my own loft on top of a building in upper East Side Manhattan, earn lots of money,have a coffee shop right outside of the building, walk in central park with a dog, go to concerts, meet people and yeah that was more or less what I pictured , literally.
THe real greedy thought that I once had at age 14 was desiring to become a tax counsel don’t know the specific word in english but those guys that earn millions for few hours of giving advice and assisting big corporation to reduce tax expenses. Yeah I realized on a trip to Canada that one man that worked on that had lots of money so that was my greedy desire to have lots of money to be able to travel around the world – never considering what I would really have to do while working in that – self interest guided/directed, yet never considered it for real, was merely money driven.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I would choose a career to express me instead of realizing that I was following what payed the most money to then, enjoy myself.
I am digging this because to realize where I am and what is it that I am doing, I have to trace back to the events that lead me here: my own decisions.
I realized today that I hesitate on making decisions. I have now to do whatever I want at workshop and then this fog of now fearing the empty plate came to my mind. It’s obvious that this is what I’m facing yet I know that when the time comes, I’ll do it and that’s it – go through resistances and fears and just do it. That’s how I am practially also breaking fears by just doing it, experiencing it, moving myself towards that.
Back to the decision of studying art…. when I made first drawings I remember only showing them to my friend and his father- who is quite fond of art – and he really liked them so I was merely looking and searching for acceptance of ‘hey I am able to do cool stuff you know? I’m not that geeky!’ So I am seeing that first art came as an spontaneous ‘need’ to express myself, I directed myself towards it, did it and moved on yet, within that came the desire to get the approval by others that what I’m doing is ‘cool’ so I would just re-assure myself and keep going. What would’ve happened if someone would’ve dared to say:’ no, it sucks, quit painting’ I don’t know yet as I live those memories at this moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for validation, reassurance and acceptance outside of myself as opinions of others towards that which I express myself as within paintings because I wasn’t secure within myself to accept my expression unconditionally, no matter what anyone would think about it or how it could be ‘rated’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ruin and spoil my unconditional expression within painting in the pursue of being ‘better’ every day which only meant that every new work I would exist within and as comparison towards myself, conditioned by the last painting to now do something ‘better’ instead of merely expressing myself in the moment.
Yes that came much later – not in the initial experimental phase but yeah it popped in the moment –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create self interest within my unconditional expression within painting, therefore using it as means to get something else which was money and power in my world to ‘make my dreams come true’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny these dreams where money was disguised as ‘fame’ – in all three examples – as being ‘the best’ and within that, being rewarded with ‘the best money’ to have enough to live quite a moderate luxurious lifestyle.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see art as means to gain power and influence in my world.
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself for having always -consciously or unconsciously – looking for activities and characters i could play as being ‘important, famous’ because that would give me the opportunity to be ‘known’ and ‘praised’ for who and what I am in whatever it is that I chose doing for a living – writer, artist, musician…
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be formed and molded by the music world I got into when a child at 7 years old and using it as a way to be ‘the opposite’ of what everyone expected me to be, Within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire being ‘different’ from my sisters’ personalities and thinking that I was ‘breaking the pattern’ never realizing that I -within the choice of the opposite – was merely following the polarity pattern – nothing real anyways
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire studying a carreer to be a tax counselor for big companies so I could earn lots of money in just few hours of assistance to a company, so I could do whatever I would want to as travelling around the world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allwoed myself to create such great expectations on my future when i was younger, never actually considering the practical points to go through to get ‘up there’ to where I dreamed of being first.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have this imperious desire to be recognized for what I do, not realizing that this is showing that I am not accepting myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire an approval to what i did, to the expressions I expressed through paintings or music or anything else because THEN I would only keep going.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my life upon acknowledgments and having people recognizing my ‘work’ all the time
See, going even earlier in my life, since I got into kindergarten, I got used to being perfect system as doing all homeworks always, being quiet in class and basically deeming myself as superior to other kids because I got the ‘high grades’ and I could get things quite easily, not much effort and so that was my life. Getting to be in ‘honor positions’ through my entire school life. lol
I remembered the first time I got scolded at school. I was in second grade of kindergarten (about 5 ) and I had some scissors in my hands and I had been intrigued to cut hair. So I merely went around the classroom, there was this boy who was just sitting in the table, so I grabbed his hair – as I had seen hair dressers do – and I just cut the ends of such hairs, lol. To me that was completely fine and innocent, yet the boy began crying, went and complained and I got scolded for doing that. I felt so overwhelmed! it was like ‘How come I! – the favorite one- Is able to be scolded, noo! ‘ lol fuck yes I was such a little princess, i completely recognize that. In fact I’ve always had such ‘airs of grandeour’ in a way, which merely indicates believing myself to be superior and really believing that I had ‘special gifts’ to be able to have everything done in an excellent, accurate way – flawless- I would get so pissed when getting 9’s and not 10s all the time.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed everytime I got scolded at school for doing something ‘wrong’ or inapropiate because I couldn’t stand everyone realizing what I had done
I fogive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that i was ‘immune’ to be scolded or pointed out in school becuase of my ‘great grades’ and my ‘great behaviour’ which was merely me being a responsible system for school works.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cry at 2nd grade of elementary school when not being able to keep up with mental calculation, therefore, being lost, getting very anxious and nervous and all I did was cry out in sign of defeat.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, to give up in the first ‘stone’ that crosses on my ‘path’ instead of solving, directing and facing myself to keep moving on.
I forgive myself that Iaccepted and allowed myself to desire expressing myself as being ‘defeated’ so anyone could come to me and say that ‘it’s ok, you can do it better next time’ within this being used to having someone else ‘understanding me’ and reassuring me that I was capable of doing it all, yet it was merely a ‘bad day’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get so angry and frustrated for not being able to keep up with that mental calculation along with the whole class and instead, cried out of self pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious and nervous whenever I would not know what to do in specific situation where I saw everyone else effectively directing themselves
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such fears of the mind as ‘not being up to the expectations of others’ with regards to what I do because of having always felt in the eye of the huracaine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special throughout my life and think that I was ‘superior’ and ‘immune’ to being scolded because i deemed myself to be ‘special’ kid in the class.
So yes, realizing I have grown up with such ocnstant acknowledgments that till this day It created a reverse effect because I always felt that all that those people – as teachers, my parents, sisters, family, and other classmates and their parents – woudl point out within me as being ‘outstanding’ wasn’t me at all.
HEY ! here’s a cool key! I always got these acknowledgments for being ‘intelligent, smart, dedicated, resonsible’ blablalbla yet I never really FELT like that, I knew that it was just mrely ‘talk’, that that which they recognized within me I wasn’t really that, because I never really felt the ‘effort’ as ME to move myself, it felt as if it was and had been literally preprogrammed within me, to be that ‘star girl’ that outstanding personality as being the ‘example to follow’ for other kids in my class. Which then later caused other side effects that I know reckon they made me ‘stronger’ as not caring what others might say, because they got quite envious and really made me have a hard time because of all teachers liking me and always being ‘on top’, bu tthat’s another story and I had already written about that long ago.
So yeah, cool at the same time I didn’t really identify with what others would say about me at that time. THen as I grew up, I began to believe myself as THAT which they all thought. Didn’t matter if school was small or big,I would still get always high recognitions and shit. It’s like that saying that after a while of lots of lies you start believing them, that sort of happened within my life – yet not fully.
Last years in highschool was when I felt this ‘unplug’ form my abilities to be the outstanding student, I kept on getting ‘great grades’ yeah, but it felt so fake to me, so useless. I realized that with my ‘abilities’ I could’ve gone – as family had suggested – to be an ingenieur, to study any scientific career etc. But I knew that I didn’t want that, i wanted to be somewhere where I could really express myself, where I would explore myself beyond knowledge and information that I already knew was capable to retain and keep and repeat as a perfect machine. That was useless. I wanted something real!
Therefore art became the field of my choice I see, a way to turn my back into the expectations everyone had formed around me into being some ‘great leader, executive, investigator whatevor in some high company earning lots because of who ‘witty’ I am – lol yeah so my statement int ostudying art was also a way to say NO thank you to all expectations.
yet merely guided myself by going into the opposite once again, at least art sounded to me as something more ‘free’ yet, got into school system anyways. Why? to please parents in getting a title. that’s it. Because I knew it was stupid to be in ‘school’ to make the idea of art Ihave which is pure self expression -from the moment I began to express myself through colors – and so, I knew I woudl fuck it all up when HAVING TO do things I would usually merely enjoy doing for the sake of expressing myself rather than doing it for the sake of a grade in a subject in a career. that’s the deal
So explored many points here and I guess that I see how these little events in my childhood and how I was brought up got me to live a LIE comlete lie by actually creating an idea of myself as having some superior skills compared to others. i applied myself with what I had to do but still it all came easily while I saw others struggle to get things right or merely done and deemed them as ‘dumb’ for not being able to sort ouf themselves.
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive other classmates as dumb when they wouldnt’ be able to work effectively with school and homeworks and general work that was required to be done, therefore existing within comparison towards others and actuall believing myself to be superior to them
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be so used to being ‘the best’ wherever I am that I fear failure and not being ‘up to my expectations’ because of how i have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as being used to being ‘the best’
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the abilities and skills I thought myself to have and be weren’t never real but actually were part of my preprogrammed life so I would be merely the polarity manifestation of being ‘good student’ within that allowing the existence of ‘bad students’ to compensate the equation
I forgive myself that i accepte and allowed myself to actually feel pity and sorry for those that ‘couldn’t make it’ through school and feeling ashamed for them being exposed into the class by the teacher because of not ‘being good enough’
I really disliked when they placed me as and example, i just wantd to hide beneath the desk, I would blush and laugh nervously, that sucked, fucking teachers they never realized what they did in means of ‘good’ to others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and pity others that weren’t ‘as good as what teachers perceived me to be’ because I felt that within that recognition, I would be hated and disliked and rejected by everyone else in the class
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to develop this non-acceptance of myself while actually wanting to reject all recognition and acknowledgment i got from teachers so I would just not ‘stand out’ anymore, and be just another one, normal kid, that’s it
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to feel an abnormal kid as being ‘superior’ to other kids in terms of being ‘more intelligent’ and resonsible and always geting everything done in an accurate way.
I forgive myself that I accepted adn allowed myself to feel exposed in class when teachers dared to compare me to others, to place me as an example to follow, allowing me to hunch myself in means of hiding, of not being outstanding.
what is it that I fear then? As my friend A had said with regards to me hunching my back: accept yourself!!
so there you go:
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully accept me here in every moment of every breathe, regardless of my past defining me as who I have been and how I have to be and what I have to be according to be always ‘topping’ myself from my previous experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepte dand allwoed myself to be living to be ‘better’ every time, when it’s not abou tbeing BETTER, but being myself here in and as self honesty as the breath, there’s nothing better to be because, I stop all comparisons existing within me towards myself as my past or towards any other person.
Ok that’s it for now, enjoyed looking back