I was looking for some cd’s containing my photos in a drawer next to my bed and I found them along with another cd I had supposed a friend of mine had. Then I reached this orange notebook which was my 2007 ‘diary’ or the notebook I would go to every time I felt like writing for myself to describe the ‘phase’ I was going through. I spent the moerning reading some of that and was quite amazed to actually read my words from 2 years ago, exactly around these same times. Completely different stories.
As I had mentioned, at the beginning of this week I certainly had some questions with regards to how I had managed to ‘go through’ almost 3 years already there, because it seemed just ‘too much’ for me at the moment. And I knew that it was weed related, meaning, I would smoke the dread away – literally – so that was quite a ‘question’ within me, because one of the things that I realized once I stopped smoking almost a ayear ago (yay!) was that I had literally lived in this extended foggy time where ‘amazing’ things happened, yet felt this confusion and deliberate suppression all over as well.
Speaking with a ‘friend’ of mine with whom I would speak more frequently back then had reminded me time when I was really worried and concern and fearful of my then bf cheating on me. I was reallly really trying to remember this and he wanted to ask some stuff about that time, yet I wasn’t ‘able’ to recall any of it at ALL completely gone, swooped. There was nothing. And I just said ‘sorry I really can’t remember that time’ – but knew I had to find out. This diary was the answer as it was about 2 years ago that such thoughts were running through my head and I did have ‘problems’ with my then bf when I really had thought that it all had been honey over chips. wow, really. I was literally suppressing that.
As I began reading I found interesting quotes which I would like to share because they are all related to stuff that I had been working on to forgive myself, yet this is specific as it was written in the moment when I was hung up on all that. I really can’t recognize myself, I was completely something else that lived out in a rollercoaster of emotions, feeding off whatever would give me an experience that made me feel ‘alive’ yes. And lots of stuff on ‘love’ and ‘god’ and all the seeking I was through.
"And so I’ve been smoking every day, and my life feels a bit lost" jan 6 07
"I get in these awful moods that no one can understand, not even me and I break it all"
"I need to fin the way back to myself and forget about others "
"Communication (lack of one) and drugs will tear us apart"
"Maybe it’s all in my mind, maybe this is all in my mind"
"In my dreams someone told me those (my thoughts on love) were all creations, inventions in my mind" 30 jan 07
"I can’t even imagine. Maybe there’s gonna be a major change and I need to be ready to do so" 3 feb 07
" I will always be re-discovering myself but, I’m in a point where I know or feel something else is about to happen. And being literally alone is just something else to deal with too. Weird word but not cool sometimes, although I might love it deep inside. So.. What I’m trying to say is… maybe we’re mad of certain things right, but we hide them with colors, but maybe deep inside the structure made of something else we barely know. We carry body parts we might’ve not seen yet, we might get all dizzy to know what we go around with. Our nature is truly hidden behind nice viewings. But filthiness and a possible beauty lies inside. "
"Is it bad to be such a believer?" (on god and light)
I would literally be writing and then I would write that I had just smoke, hence high again and feeling ‘alright’ like really all troubles were away, fuck, just like a bob marley song really.
"My inner self is telling me to stop! to qiut now!"
"My self esteem is lower than ever"
I wrote about my relationship at that moment, recognizing that the moment I accepted his weed addiction, i ‘added’ myself into it and joined the rollercoaster. It is quite a shock reading my words on what I based my life upon: ideas of love as giving to receive the same back, ideas of getting in contact with my ‘spirituality’ through meditation and feeling ‘guided’ all the time by some angels or god, having a mission to accomplish in this life which I was desperately seeking to achieve in this life – lol – sex as a major point in these writings, a way to feel alive and have fun instead of really taking it as an expression of me. All fears, all anxieties, nervousness I would feel, certainly like paranoia.
I had to read this because last week I had been going in circles with what tree of life said with regards to opening up those ‘dark corridors’ inside me- well those dark corridors were suppressed in such a way that I nearly forgot most of details of my experience back then, so finding this notebook – specifically – becuase it was the year that was literally ‘crazy’ in many ways, was a gift from myself because I am able to read from my own handwriting how I experienced myself through that year. This notebook is part of those dark corridors as I find dependencies all around: on love, sex, relationship, a desire to seek myself through art, though drugs, through ‘god’ and light, through my own mindfucks on numbers and seeing eyes and reading certain books on religions, spirituality, astrology, magic, alchemy, everything could to satisfy this ‘seeking’ inside me.
In all that, I was losing myself, I never considered that I was ‘of worth’ as Life, I was seeking love outside of myself even though I knew I had to love myself first to be able to love others – that I wrote, I wrote many things that I knew was the ‘cool’ way to go, yet never applied.
I would write how I tried to quit at times but would fall in the third day or so, just because of the boredom of being alone and having all these dilemmas in the head. Really, I was such a storm in my head. I remember once reading this quote in a Palahniuk book "you’ll need to suffer to make any real art" and it got stuck in my head. Seems I really wanted to live that.
I also noticed how, that year, I manifested and created all events I wanted to experience such as getting invited to expose photos outside of the country, just ‘living’ through relationships, people, sex, weed, alcohol and everything that I had at hand until I got – in the last 4 or 5 months of that year – to be ready to go into a spiritual thing. Didn’t know which one but I thought that each step I was giving was being guided – lol –
I really reduced myself to less than human at that time without noticing, completely dishonoring myself as life, not even regarding myself as life. I lived possessed by my desires of needing something/someone, possessing someone, having extraordinary experiences, being ‘wild’ and challenging myself while being high in my family vacations, deliberately numbing myself, living out of finding beauty through pictures. Yes something I do recognize is I did quite a cool job that year with pictures, maybe that something I have to sort out because I would do have these great ‘visions’ while it. It hasn’t gone away yet, it definitely did something to my creative process. This is something that I have been ‘missing’ so to speak, so have to work with that.
Well this is but an introduction to that which I’ll be supporting myself with, because I know now that past is suppressed and it’s about time to open up what has been lying inside for quite some time already, mostly that year and a half of continuous abuse to myself, without being able to barely recall it.
Day was ok, kind of lost time and effort at workshop because printing wasn’t cool enough but I didn’t get desperate at all, just rode along, accepting the external situations. I ate, took my stuff and came back home. Was a fast ride must say which was cool as well. Was glad to see Shakti and Moka again and just coming here. I’ll have fun re-discovering myself.