SF on forgotten past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still carry a burden of my ‘forgotten past’ as that which I ‘didn’t remember’ but I’m recalling through my writings now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I was as the words I wrote in the past while being high on weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become a weed smoker by the acceptance of my partner doing so as well at that time, and in that, losing myself as submitting to do something to ‘go along’ within my relationship, in fear of creating separation by not agreeing on his use of weed.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel, think, perceive myself as being lost while smoking weed, knowing it and doing nothing about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my ‘inner self’ back then that was telling me to stop, that it was taking me nowhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become quite embarrassed towards my thoughts on my enjoyment of sex back then

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having dishonored and disregarded Life as who I am completely while being hung up on my mind and weed ingestion, not realizing that all I was doing was enhancing the suppression of what was really going on inside me at that moment, what I had to face.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid facing myself by smoking weed and being aware of ‘being just fine’ after doing so, meaning, suppressing the shit instead of taking it all out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such polarities of ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ constantly and continuously by the participation within a relationship based on sex, weed and plain isolation from the world.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to regard my relationship at that time as ‘normal’ and something that was ‘cool’ because I had forgotten how It really was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having giving the back to Life all the time I sought myself out of myself through knowledge and information that I would’ve never been able to place into application.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel lost while consuming weed yet, continuing doing it and deeming myself as incapable of quitting.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within a relationship based in dishonesty in all ways, not honoring myself or the other one as me, but deliberately justifying our actions as fun.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such jealousy and possession towards my partner in such relationship, fearing being cheated therefore – creating and existing in a paranoid state in fear of losing ‘the loved one’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel loved in such relationship, to feel that he cared about me because it never was so.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist and co-create a dependency on someone just because of thinking, believing and perceiving that we were ‘in love’ and by doing so, accepting myself to ‘fall’ completely and accept losing myself completely.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that I wasn’t been ‘loved’ in such relationship because I didn’t get ‘as much as’ I gave, which merely entails self interest within a relationship.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to engage myself within such a relationship for over one year, never wanting to see the real facts and where it was leading me, disregarding all the ‘bad times’ i spent within it, covering it with ‘good times’ that were ephimeral and drug/sex based

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem that I loved someone just because I experienced chemical reactions as feelings and emotions within me while being with such a person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fall in love, to fall in the trap of what I felt towards this person instead of realizing what it was without all feelings and emotions and experiences that were all mind based – therefore, it was never real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my past in means of not wanting to see who I accepted and allowed myself to become: a deliberate weed user to suppress myself, to be seeking myself within relationships of apparent love, to seek my ‘soul’ and ‘spirituality’ in books, philosophies and to become addicted to the experience of myself within sex in complete self interest, creating my own ‘world’ where I was being ‘worshiped’ by my partner

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately know that I had ‘low self esteem’ yet do nothing abut it but smoke and ‘feel fine’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such dislike towards bob marley when reading my words, because I would speak like one of his songs "everything is alright’ as that being the way I existed while being high, not facing myself, not being able to see what i was doing to myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get to such self disgust because of using weed as suppressor for my state, to forget about problems in relationships, to forget about myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use weed to be able to endure situations as ‘living in the city’ and moving myself within it, school and to have friends at school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that smoking weed was one of the most common things in the world which then made me to accept it as ‘my lifestyle’ existing in complete denial to be sober.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow confusion and feel disoriented all the time in my past, therefore always seeking for a ‘guide’ as a ‘god’ or ‘angels’ to guide my steps, to take care of me because I wasn’t being taking care of myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I was having fun in my relationship, not realizing that it was all ‘experienced based’ and never a commitment to walk with another one in complete self honesty as one, but existing in self interest and based on ideas of who that person was.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fall in love with the mind of someone, never realizing it is a program, hence not real.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be with someone just to feel loved, accepted and cared as having sexual experiences, common interests and deliberate acceptance of dishonesty towards one another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that love was something real, that what I experienced in such relationship had been the one and only ‘real’ love experience I had, never wanting to see that it was all experience based as feelings, emotions I generated as the idea of him, as the idea of me being with him in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that having sex, using drugs and having ‘fun’ that way was a way of being ‘living’, of being alive and being loved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such self denial by merely standing how and as the experience of ‘love’ as a general feeling of ‘stability’ based on being with someone in the thought of loving in each other for ‘who we were’ never seeing or wanting to see the fact that it was self interest and ego based in both ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having existed in such concerns as being cheated by my partner back then, existing in complete delusions of the mind worrying I might lose that person.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed for having feared losing the idea of myself with someone ‘in love’.

I forgive myself that I never dared to question my experience of ‘love’ towards this person, that I accepted it as normal, that I accepted and allowed the feelings of ‘comfort’ and ‘enjoyment’ as real, never realizing that it was me existing for that person, finally feeling ‘worthy’ of love.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be so desperately in need for ‘love’ that I accepted to abuse myself in many ways in exchange of acceptance as ‘love’ by someone else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having sought and remained with someone with whom I could drift away and flee from myself deliberately.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fall for the idea of ‘who someone is’ by their personality, their mind, their ‘creations’ and their perspective of life as an opinion, instead of seeing and realizing that none of this was ever real.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fall for what I felt  inside my body as ‘love’ as something that is real, something that I had to seek and value myself upon.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to base my self worth as ‘making my self esteem grow’ by being in a relationship, by feeling loved and cared for.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think that I loved someone when I really knew that I wasn’t even loving myself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get into a relationship just to see and experience what ‘being in a relationship’ was like when I didn’t even feel ‘love’ or care for such person, but merely thinking that I would grow to ‘love him’ and stand by him as being a girlfriend – which never happened and lasted for couple of days.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to kid myself into thinking that I could ‘grow to love’ someone just by being with that person and creating a lie of what I was able to be and do with another one that did apparently love me and liked me as ‘who I was’ lol

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that love was the only way to get acceptance and worth towards myself, that it was the only way I could be happy and ‘complete’ as we all know relationship-love bullshit thing is.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was the ‘happiest girl’ while being with G because he seemed like ‘my kind of man’ at that time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek a troubled someone to be with, because of wanting to save that person and become the ‘life-savior’ never realizing that I actually created a dependency to exist towards himself and vice versa.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being ‘required’ as being ‘needed’ by someone is something normal in a relationship, that a dependency wasn’t such but a general ‘comfortable feeling’ of being with another, never actually questioning my needs and desires to be with that person constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hide myself within the idea of ‘being in love’ and therefore, justifying all that which I deemed as real, as feeling liked, appreciated, accepted and cared for.

Well I’ve certainly had gone deeper before with regards to relationships in this blog. Yet this diary made me see stuff that I had forgotten specifically with regards to MY experience within it all, because I had completely numbed some events to not feel the ‘pain’ that I felt back then.

I’m ok at the moment. Really having read that stuff was like seeing myself right there in such moments. I remembered how I would enjoy writing all the mind’s mazes and thinking that I was ‘getting somewhere’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I would ‘get somewhere’ as ‘finding the truth of myself’ by being constantly thinking and or writing about emotions, feelings and events perceived through the idea of ‘who I am’ instead of seeing it all as one and equal with me in every moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from G. by existing in a relationship therefore, having him as someone special – therefore wanting to be the same for him and so deliberately separating ourselves from the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to deny the world as me back then, thinking that it was a separate entity and that I would make no ‘damage’ to it by the way and the life I was having and creating for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on a feeling such as ‘love’ and therefore, being an addict to a experience that had to be fulfilled after a certain amount of time which means that it was energy based and running in polarity. Therefore, never real.

I went to the museum today and I watched some paintings and at the end of the visit I took a peak at some books there to read. They were all about latin and mexican contemporary art. I saw pictures of people that also studied at my school, I saw how they worked their ass off, how they would really reunite and stand for what they believed at that time. That is almost lost now. I saw many many pics of art and I got that overwhelming feeling of ‘fuck, almost everything has already been done’ therefore, getting this feeling of ‘I’m not able to do something ‘new’ or innovate anymore, it’s all here already. So this implies that I’m having certain purposes with art. 

I have already gone through seeing points where I wanted to be someone famous and ‘recognized’ within the art world so that in such a way, i could impose my truth – wrong! because in that there’s still lying a ‘want to change the world’ attitude which we all know won’t work again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having power over my world, to be able to inffluence it and direct it towards that which I deemed as my ‘truth’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose a ‘meaning’ towards that which i express myself as because of being overwhelmed by seeing the vastness of what has already been done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as confusion of what I ‘want’ or ‘have’ to do instead of existing in breath and so being directing myself in every moment, not getting tormented and overloaded by my mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that my expression is ‘worthless’ compared to other’s expression through art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having the approval of someone that is of ‘power’ within the art world just to gain the certainty that I am ‘good at it’ and therefore, be able to continue, which implies that I am not accepting myself completey and that I am not being Self Worthy

I am self worthy, I do not accept and allow myself to be seeking for something or someone in separation of me to recognize what I am as what I do and place it as being worthy or of value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comparing myself to myself as my previous work, therefore, losing the spontaneity of the moment in expression by basing it in what has already been produced/done/ achieved by myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel small and little in comparison to what artists of this world have done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a meaning to what I do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to base my life upon that which I create as art.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to base myself as an art creator, therefore if I would stop from doing that, fearing not being ‘me’ anymore – I cannot lose myself, I can only lose definitions of myself as who I think I am which isn’t real anyways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that being an artist requires much more than what I am able to do and give, which means that I am accepting limitation to exist within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within thoughts of not being up to the standards of what  is being done and has already been done in the art world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to ‘who I want to be’ as an artist that stands up for all as one as equal, within that creating a projection in the future and If I were not to fulfill that, I would feel that I ‘didn’t make it’ therefore isolating and numbing myself for anything else

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of what and how I should be and do in the future to fulfill or achieve a ‘something’ to be, not realizing that there’s nothing to achieve, but only to live and direct myself in every moment here.

I particularly enjoyed waking up early and taking walks, just being here really. And also to stop wanting to give advice to people that is going through tough situations. I went to drink coffee with my friend Y. and he was quite ‘low’ because of yet again, being disappointed by a relationship. And so, as he said, sometimes you just want to be listened not to be given advices. So I did limit myself to listen and bring out the ways he is able to stand up which he is certainly doing at the moment. He said that he realized much when he wrote ‘to’ himself and actually saw how he’d forgotten him completly by being living for others. So in the end he’s going to be alright, focusing in what he has to do. Seems that all those talks at the radio show on ‘being the living word’ really changed his perspective and now he is committing himself to do that, so he isn’t a blabbering fool. I add myself to that as well, so.. it’s cool that he gets this and I am then walking with a friend that is now understanding what it meant when I realized I had forgotten about myself. And so, we stand.

I stand as who I really am beyond any memories of the past conditioning myself as I am here to finally live free from the burden in my back as the past that I thought was real.

That’s it for now. THanks

and enjoy the song!


Madness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqPtwf-Lk14

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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