I’ve had this perception that the world is merely running in an automated past that isn’t here anymore. All that once ‘made sense’ feels quite ’empty’ at the moment when it once created a meaningful experience – that is something that within my experience I’m going through: ‘kidding’ myself that who I am here is still the one that I was in my past, which isn’t so at all really. How could that be so? yet the mind as memories and definitions according to ‘who I was’ keep me bound merely to an idea that I created and developed of myself as ‘who I am’ limiting myself, setting ‘my space’. That has to go, there is no room for Life to exist where self interest exists, right.
Something I’ve noticed has been reduced considerably to almost non existent in a usual basis is the anxiety and nervousness I would experience as ‘normal’ in certain situations like meeting up with a someone I had a certain experience with, or being in situations where i meet up with new people or any other moment where I would react in such nervousness or anxiety, even when it was about time to go down a bus because then I would have to be precise to be left where I wanted, etc. A bunch of rules and settings I had deliberately chosen to program my reactions and the way I would experience such moments and define such that churning inside as ‘normal’. Well it isn’t at all and I was discussing this morning how I’ve noticed that change. I’m not almost run-walking through the streets as if someone was going after me, or barely wanting to see people and feel tight all over. The tightness I still have to work with specifically posture, but the inside feelings as anxiety and a pinch of paranoia are disappearing. Great, it is such a change to be able to actually move myself freely, be aware of where I am placing more tension in which part of the body etc. be aware and correct it in the moment. To walk, stride at a ‘here’ pace, not just rushing all time. Well I do have that kind of rushing as walking fast when getting to the big city, but that’s just a way to reduce time of waiting for other processes… and I merely go with the flow of everyone else as well. – Yes I know it sucks.
Like meeting up yesterday with this guy I’ve mentioned couple of times here V. who I saw two months ago, stopped and explained him that I wasn’t interesting in anything else but merely sharing myself and spending some time chatting and drinking some coffee. He really thought that I didn’t want to ‘see him anymore’ and stuff like that, that would be nonsense. So I cleared things and went to have coffee with him. Ok I’m re-assessing my experience with friends, being more aware of not trying to ‘make a point’ all the time, or give advices or judge them either outside or in the inside. . . many things that I’m more aware of while being with someone. I had not even one single inner reaction as anything churning inside which was cool. I would feel dead nervous before with this guy years ago, now it’s all ok and then I see everything’s actually quite ‘enjoyable’ in a constant perspective, because you’re not expecting for anything to happen, you’re not wanting to ‘make a point’, you’re not wanting to achieve anything. It’s merely spending time with another and seeing whatever comes out.
I mean yeah I did stop myself from merely sharing knowledge and information though I laughed when he was talking on ‘what will happen after you die? and stuff like that because, lol mystery is over for me. People still rejoice in that big question mark that death leaves upon its arrival. So as we know, there are very few questions left unanswered and those ones that could be without an answer are irrelevant to this point we’re living and facing. It wasn’t either a life changing moment sharing the evening with him but it was ‘ok’. It seemed weird for him that I barely have friends and I barely go out at night and stuff like that. But I see that even if it was merely a short period of time, I did have my time to experience and go out to different places at night and tried to fit in usual ways of having fun but didn’t work. Could’ve been limitations as well but, just didn’t feel as my way to have fun. I really sometimes have fun in the simplest life activities or situations, that’s cool. I don’t get bored.
Well have to go. See you