I have been stopping myself from that geeky responsibility I’ve had towards school for a long time. I mean, if I hadn’t actually decided to not assist to one class I wouldn’t have seen a great art exhibition today. I really could’ve stayed longer at downtown.It’s like literally a voice as me saying: ‘what are you rushing about? why caring so much about being on time there if you know the rest isn’t always on time? slow down!’ In everything else is going quite well meaning, not that rush I would always exist as but in terms of ‘having to be there’ as school, still works a bit that way YET much better as I have considerably slowed down. Cool.
I went today there to see David LaChapelle’s photos and work. I went out in rush hour and I had to ride in the train like sardines in tin box. Let’s say that I just breathed through the whole process of going there and there moving myself to get there. Much much better as well from months ago that I would still go into fear or judgment all time. Just keeping it simple creates a different experience, as simple as that.
Once being there I actually talked to an older couple from Canada who were also waiting for the museum to open. It was cool, they’ve been around 8 times here before and later on I asked what they worked on. The man’s an artist and woman is a writer in weekly journal in Toronto. They were quite cool, we even went along while seeing the exhibition. This guy LaChapelle’s quite provocative with his work but there are some photos where he is really satirical towards the end of the world. There are pictures with houses all destroyed yet portraying girls dressed up in avant-garde fashion wondering where the hell did the world go. lol. Well after that I went to buy some tshirts for my sister’s upcoming birthdays and others for me but I felt guilty, felt stupid and a fucking consumerist because of spending money on that while going out of the store and seeing poor people going by and all around. The first question I asked was: where they necessary? My sister’s ones yeah, mine not necessary, was a mere pleasure I found on sale, lol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself as ‘superior’ and ‘guilty’ for other’s beings’ experience within this world as being poor and having no money
Well, fuck. That was the only thing going on inside me during the day. I really wanted to hide that paperbag with the clothes somewhere else. I went to see another exhibition
I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid while carrying a bag of such clothing store around in downtown, fearing being seen as an unconscious consumerist, a victim of fashion
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb because of being carrying around a paperbag with clothes, fearing that others might see me as unconscious by buying clothes while seeing that everyone is actually lacking money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid for spending money in clothes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to portray myself in a certain way as being ‘humble’ all the time
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire hiding a bag with clothes I had just bought because of not wanting to be perceived as ‘having money’ and being able to afford buying clothes.
Well anyways, I didn’t spend that much but yeah all that went through my head after I had bought that and had to carry that around.
Ok so watched paintings, felt quite silly when I didn’t know ‘what to do’ while making an etching – that was only couple of weeks ago yet I really see that I have closed my ‘world’ and limited myself extensively. holy fuck. That’s not cool at all yet, while seeing this mexican painter works I could see how he’d managed to keep that childish expression and freedom that most adults lose. He didn’t and he’s like 80 now and you could say it was like an 8 year old’s painting with some study in art – lol – well he opened some eyes for me at this moment so it was quite cool seing this. Went back home
And I can’t believe the discussions we had at art theory talkinga bout philosophy and concepts. Talking about Descartes and Kant and seeing that it all becomes a ‘problem’ of languae and primal existence – no one is able to know how was language programmed within ourselves. WEll they don’t talk about programs or systems or implants or any of that… I see that many inquiries within art come from the apparent mystery of existence.I really breathed through that although I cannot help but thinking how unnecessary all that stuff is.
We’ve never understood the rules of creation
I actually watched the Desteni History videos on heavens and I had quite a cool laugh along with them, I enjoyed that. Fascinating stuff really as it’s been said there: you can’t make this shit up, not even movies have such twisted plots.It seems that they could be talking about a videogame or something yet it was all about existence.
So I’ve been listening to music, enjoying new stuff I’ve gotten, I enjoy myself as music this way as well.
Those friends and family by Audrey Hepburn have been great support. SEems that after a while of having watched them they got ‘new’ things to say in a way.
Once death isn’t such a mystery anymore, we are able to focus on what’s here as it always should’ve been