I tested myself by actually accepting going out with this ‘friend’ whom I had definitely seen with interest on ‘myself’ – that’s odd – and so as I had mentioned he invited me a beer and we went out this evening. I had to face what I had created because I did have these big mindfuck illusion with this particular man in the past, really I am right now realizing that I am merely going through what I created for myself as future projections and wanting him to like me and stuff like that. Until this very moment I am merely realizing that this is a manifested consequence of all those thoughts that I had probably 3 to 4 years ago on this particular being who I deemed as ‘special’ because of that ‘connection’ as all those feelings he could ‘bring out within me’ and viceversa – or so it seemed – based on mind personality, likes, dislikes and that ‘interesting aura’ I generally ‘saw’ around him as being a writer.
I was completely determined to stop feeding any illusion – even from the moment I accepted such invitation right away might’ve been mistakenly understood as a ‘yes’ to want to be with him – or anything like that which wasn’t so really – therefore, I went there to clear up the situation and share myself for a while.
I am glad to say that I was completely stable within myself, no reactions in anyway while he came by and went to this bar. I would see how he saw me and I knew right away that he was experiencing probably some churnings inside lolol oh well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh of what others might experience inside themselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone by what they might possibly be experiencing towards me, just because I’m not experiencing ‘anything’ towards them.
We talked on the usual stuff that seems quite boring for me to talk about after I’ve talked several times on the same stuff over and over again – music preferences and books and whatnot –
The point is that I questioned myself also for allowing myself to spend some time with him because I realized how most of such ‘meetings’ are done within self interest, a desire to achieve something towards one another – yet I wasn’t going to merely speculate about it, I was going to ask this directly to the guy. And so I shared (once again I think) what is it that I’m doing currently as taking the mask of myself as what I’ve created of myself. Explained how it was this very same personality as opinions, likes and dislikes which made that ‘click’ with him in the past.
After a while of explaining a bit more on my experience and how I had recently revealed myself to me through writings, I came to the point where I said that I questioned everything and went to the core essence of anything I do, why do I do it, what is it that it’s moving myself to do that? is it a separate reason outside of myself or is it for me as me as an expression of me? – and so I said how to me being with him was just me sharing myself with another equal as me and that was it – THIS seemed to surprise him like really hit his ego, he just said ‘oh! is it?, really?…’ as if he was being hurt because people tend to understand that If you agree meeting up with someone or spending some time together or merely talking, you’re already existing within a defined ‘pursuit’ towards them – that’s just not the case and when I let him know this, he seemed a bit disappointed though, I really had to do this otherwise I would’ve merely allowed him to build a foamy castle with the idea of me being interested on him in any way whatsoever.
He remained in silence while I explained my experience so far within this process. He then said that he thought that what I was doing was ‘way ahead in time’ meaning, that it was something ‘too advanced’ because he explained how he still cherishes his emotions and feelings very much. That he enjoys getting nervous about certain situations and stuff like that – yet he also ‘felt’ something while I explained all this to him, as if he knew what I was talking about almost like ‘awakening’ something inside him that he explained constantly fights against another ‘side’ fo him which keeps him bound to that human nature. I explained how this exists in everyone yet it is up to every person decide whether they dare to SEE or they choose to remain in the lie they’ve lived. He explained how not so many people is up to realizing this, that none of his friends actually give a damn about these kind of realizations and topics which I didn’t find quite surprising, though it is cool seeing that he’s not so closed off to that as other people I have been closed to in the past.
He finally said that he did have a ‘reason’ to see me and that it was because I made him feel cool and alright, just fine! he said this with a smirk in his face, and he did have a smile on his face while I explained stuff I’ve been realizing recently. To this I really listened unconditionally instead of going into any reactions of immediate judgment or rejection. I said how I cannot and am not able to control what he feels or goes through towards me, though I did clarify my ‘situation’ towards him so there are no hidden doors there as illusions of something that just isn’t and will not be. I am just realizing that all reactions I – me, myself -created by giving a certain value and worth to words spoken according to my ‘value’ chart which means, I created all experiences of and for myself according to how I knew ‘things would be’ . THis is an example: if someone tells you that they enjoy/like being with you because of the way "you make them feel" in a logica-systematic preordained and socially accepted way, this would be like a ‘flattering"and overwhelming or whatnot comment which would enhance yourself from an ego perspective, THEN this physically manfests as something ‘cool’ inside you. This is where and how the mindfuck is created – by stopping that just are just words coming from another’s mouth according to their experience. i remained stable and he seemed to be pushing himself to actually dare say this to me.
Yet I really asked him that he could ask himself why he enjoys being with me and when he said that "I made him feel content, cool, ok" then the entire discussion on self interest and feelings and emotions came up. He gets the point because he’s pretty much existed as it- yet he would blindfold himself thinking that being ‘neutral’ and not being affected by anything was his ego – lol, that was another mindfuck – so he gets the point, yet he refuses to give up his own precious emotions and feelings. Well I cannot judge this, it’s him anyways and I am really ‘getting’ the fact that I do not have to push anything on to anyone anymore , I don’t have to go blabbering knowledge and info or anything but just sharing my experience so far. ANd this is far more effective than trying to convince someone of ‘what has to be done’.
As for myself the question of being ‘enjoyed being with’ by others is still and remains quite an ODD deal to me, being the reason of me not understanding why men enjoy being with me even if knowing forehand that I won’t accept any intentions they might have towards me anyways. Seems I’m clearly low-worthying myself.
Oh well so he seemed to get the point and I really did explain how I’m enjoying silence as well . and also living this way. Yet he also seemed quite fascinated by this current challenge I am moving towards taking off the mask as ‘the idea of myself’ Well if any of this actually creates a curiosity to see for themselves what it is to live what I’m sharing about, then cool.
He finally asked that If I would ever react in a way if something happened in my life, I asked ‘a good thing? oh! that woud be a challenge!’ then he said ‘no, a bad thing’ and I explained how I am ready to experience whatever comes as a ‘bad thing’ happening in my life. I said well, what could be the worst thing that could happen? Losing material stuff? losing ‘someone? All is based on fear of loss and I cannot lose myself in anyways and this is – meaning the whole process – actually to see and realize the value we’ve placed outside in separation of ourselves. Then I explained how i would really be ‘tempted’ in a way if my greatest ‘dream’ could or would be able to come true, meaning all that I ever wanted and desired placing in front of myself for me to take, I explained how THAT would be challenging, not something ‘bad’ happening in my life, more like something apparently ‘great’ happening to me. Yet I know forehand that it would be based in illusion, having a beginning and an end, finite, illusional, not real! – he said it was quite an interesting perspective. Yet I boiled down to simplicity, all time as I am here, I am breathing that’s all, let’s stop taking life for granted.
And so that’s how it all was, he drove me home and that was it. I will be available to chat once in a while with him but not as soon as one weekend after the other as this time. I think he understood that I’m not ‘going out’ with him in a possible relationship situation, but merely sharing myself. It is quite cool deconstructing all expectations and ideas that someone might’ve had towards any situation. Taking off the masks!
Overall what I experienced inside myself is confidence not hesitating to talk about certain ‘personal’ topics as my experience in past relationships and my ‘inner’ emotional situation… it’s easy really, not caring who or what I was for this person before, even if I had co-created to build this idea of myself towards him because of considering that he was an interesting and cool person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself into thinking that it is odd that someone might enjoy me because I find myself quite neutral – not creating any drama or great emotional outflow to have some ‘spice’ in my life – lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself boring at times when being with someone because of not being willing to express and do whatever it is that they could possibly be expecting me to do or be
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always think it’s odd and bizarre when I get to know that someone likes me or enjoys me, as this has been ingrained ever since I was a little girl.
Yes I would definitely run away and stop talking to any boy who dared to tell me they liked me or that told other boys to go and tell me they liked me etc. lol I would freak out so much. Now I stopped this, after looong time. Plus it was based on correspondence because If I liked the boy back, I wouldn’t mind. Yet if I had no interest on such boy, then I would freak out and stop talking to them.
Ok that was mainly it. Complete now.