Some regret is coming to the surface today. It’s as if I had decided to face my relationships today towards people in thought and deed. It was related to most of the relationships I’ve created in the last couple of years – seeing them, talking about them. Friends and lovers and former partners… yuk, lol – I really feel quite dizzy going back and seeing all the shit I created for myself that way, all that yearning and desires.
It is REALLY bugging me at this very moment. It is quite fuck up because I had woken up in quite a cool mood, went out for a walk and wrote some self forgiveness on a dream I had with another suppressed mind creation towards another person and I had to face that, to place the situation in front of me and just stop because we know it’s mere mind entertainment, a taming that we all go through and we know it’s pointless and ridiculous really. So I had to share this with the person I dreamed about because it’s dishonoring myself as this process, as the communication we have and what we are ALL standing for and as. So that was one point to face which bugged me half of the day until I finally placed it in words and shared it, applied self forgiveness and letting it go. Working on that.
Then I see A by his window and invites me in. I decided not to ‘escape’ from the situation and actually went into his house and he showed me his latest guitar gear and… yeah smoking himself as always, wording stuff that he’d already told me several times ago… I think he’s completely ‘losing it’ and he’s become like a real weed machine. I asked myself later on this day after this: how and why did I get there ? fuck. I acquiesced this to exist completely – I stayed for about 20 minutes listening to him trying to impress and show that ‘his latest gear is great’ and I just said it was all too simple and quite expensive for that which seemed to bother him. I wanted to leave. He got the message and he walked me out the door. I really really really waited far too long: I went into a fucking HUGE Loop just to get to the same place. Fuck, this is the point where I feel ad nauseam because I knew it all the way, what I feared was created: I fell and I fell hard by thinking that I would just ‘be friends’ with him like in the old days etc, it’s not like that and won’t ever be and I don’t want to be anything special in his life anymore, because I am not supporting such attitudes and lifestyles when he claims to be ‘free’ when he’s tied and bound to smoking weed ever single fucking day of his life without being able to be sober for more than one day. That is fucking sad because I did that as well and he’s such a stubborn person that only death might change him. Really.
So I came home and just knew that it was all cool, there’s no point at all to keep any kind of relationship like that. Not interested, at all. I went back to it again and it’s just exhausting seeing all the time I wasted being ‘by his side’ . Cannot believe myself and I had seen this, I had written about it yet I kidded myself big time thinking ‘things could change’. Fuck. Well it’s done. And I’m not the only one seeing that he’s completely ‘being taken over’ by his ego. Even new people meeting him think he’s completely ego-maniac and quite hysterical. And I always pretended to understand him, to think that he was always ‘right’ and everyone else was wrong. I really can’t say much about this anymore because any judgment I create towards him is towards myself as well. But there it goes, it all boils down to me adapting myself to be with him just because I actually wanted to be liked and accepted by him, because I saw him as the ultimate cool person. What a load of bullshit.
Next situation – I get this message from old bf who just wishes a ‘happy day’ – suppose fucking valentine’s day or shit like that – and I went, ok, wtf? and then my friend tells me he’s got a gf yet he asked me if we could go to A’s house one day to play music or something like that. Which is just bizarre, why should I, why now anyways?
Then get this message from the guy I saw yesterday on wishing a fucking happy day or something, maybe he was kidding but – fuck, what’s the sense in it anyways, and get this FB request to accept him as a friend. Really: the last thing I want is people obsessing over me like that. At this very moment I just feel like chewing my whole past and spitting it out the window. It is complete nonsense, bullshit, worthless situations that lead me to this, yet I am facing that – and yes ladies and gentleman, I created it.
Next on I went out for the usual café with my friend Y. who had been dealing with a friend of his that had lost her bf and so on, pure drama today. Cafe was filled up with people, everywhere was completely filled with people. We ended up in a crappy place with crappy music yet I enjoyed at least making fun of ourselves in such situation. Then this girl came along who knows one of the guys I once went out with saying he’s really a fucked up being and that no one stands him and that he’s completely crazy, threatening his current gf that if she leaves him, he’ll kill himself. Fuck. lol all I can do is laugh about this one, really. Once again: how the fuck did I get there?
And so I could go along analyzing my standing with the last person I had a kind of ‘relationship’ whom I met in my current school, that was someone I really liked and enjoyed yet it was merely something that even lead me to feel used, because he had a gf at some point yet he was with me as well. And it was quite a mind admiration because he once said: Oh I would’ve thought I was in love with you if I hadn’t seen that movie on Lautrec – in that movie a girl falls in love with his work, not of him – so yes, kind of the artsy thing going on as well.
OH well, all the worms are clearly getting out of the Can. And I go through this because it’s what I created, what I clearly accepted and allowed and the final and excrutiating regret is that even while being in this process, I went into a fucking 6 month loop or something with that man that clearly was once crucial in my life and is at the moment taking me to actually be disgusted of it all, of all those relationships I created, of all the desires, ideas, projections, everything and all that I existed as just to get into a fucked up relationship that always ended in the wrong way.
This is why forgiveness is so cool because in moments like this is clear to realize that I haven’t loved myself, that I have actually existed in need of love and someone to apparently love me and tell me how ‘great’ I am in order to be ‘someone’ in this world. ANd that’s why I had such a confrontation with someone that I know from the net who clearly got into a deep hole within himself because of wanting and desiring to be accepted and recognized by a partner, and that’s why I just got all frustrated and desiring to change him within this, because I have done the same, I have been there-done that yet I hadn’t fully seen and realized the pattern in all of them.
I Regret having placed myself around these kind of people that I sought and created as relationships and events in my life just to make it more ‘interesting’ and to apparently ‘live’ stuff that i read in books or watched in movies… anything and all that could make me feel "alive". Sought in the wrong places. Once again tree of life interview pops up saying that it wasn’t going to be easy to see what I had accepted and allowed within myself. TOday it feels as if a door opened for me to finally fucking SEE what is going on within me and the current experience of myself, for once and for all, all people in my life compounding to show me this, to reveal myself to myself.
At the same time I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use my past relationships with men as ways to apparently ‘see’ myself, to experience myself in separation of me by thinking that being accepted, loved and cared for by another in a relationship was the ultimate fulfillment (read FOOLfillment = the foof filling for the mind ) as happiness I had been looking for to be ‘complete’ – This is the main fuck up, yet everyone goes through this it seems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having used men in order to satisfy my self interest of wanting to be appreciated, adored, idolized and cared for because I wasn’t able and wasn’t even willing to stand by myself alone loving myself and accepting myself unconditionally, but always existed seeking and looking for approval in the outside.
And I thought that my ‘shit’ wasn’t that big, … lol
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to kid myself into thinking that I could actually ‘make a change’ in any one’s life by being with them and standing within a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hurt myself and others as myself by creating relationships where specialness and identification is required in order to keep it ‘moving’ meaning, using survival methods to keep the flame burning.
Ok what does this mean? I was accepting and allowing stuff deliberately that I just wouldn’t have accepted if I hadn’t actually feared losing that someone in my life, losing that companionship, that idea of another being interested in me for ‘who I am’ apparently which was merely the idea of myself as ego of the mind, as definitions, likes, dislikes and way of ‘being’. Non of that really supported myself instead I acquiesced it all, swallowed the moments where I wanted to give up such relationships but feared finding myself alone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear loneliness, standing by myself, loving myself, accepting myself because I wasn’t able to be self-worthy, to see who I am beyond any ideas, beliefs and perceptions of the mind within this society, this reality we live in.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to risk and complicate my life, myself because of wanting to be part of another’s life, wanted to be special within someone else’s mind so i could place value and worth towards myself.
I had written extensively in this blog throughout days and months how I consider that relationships were my biggest fuck up in my life, yet at the same time I forgive myself for this because yes, it was my demise but at the same time I’m grateful because there wouldn’t have been any other ‘stuff’ going on in my world and I would’ve merely lived in a bubble where I would only exist in my world not actually daring to go out and relate myself with others, creating a wall around me. Even after all the regret and shame that seeing this might bring, I’m grateful because I explored myself that way, I got to see what exists within me because every single person I went out or had any kind of contact with is/was reflecting me back to myself, that was another way of knowing me and so, I am still discovering and seeing stuff that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be ashamed of having sought for "love" in the wrong places as men that weren’t clearly loving themselves but actually going the opposite way, and therefore, seeking companion to my misery instead of realizing what was it that I was supporting by seeking someone that could ‘understand me’ as my then ways to avoid and flee from facing myself as this world, from taking self responsibility and see what it was that I was doing to myself.
Everything is specific. IT clearly is
I say this because there’s this girl – a friend of my friend’s friend – that came along with us this afternoon and she is clearly this out going, outspoken girl that had been drinking a couple of beers, smokes pot, is quite bubbly and flirty loose and out spoken girl with regards to sex and relationships and whatnot. Even this ‘casualty’ of seeing this girl, listening to her words and actions reflected myself. Yes, in a way appearing like this girl that was so avid to live that would do all possible to ‘live’ like literally sex, drugs, an eternal seeking and rock and roll.Sought in the wrong places never realizing how lost I was, how forgetful of MYSELF i was, how I took every breath for granted never even considering what LIFE really is or was, seeking for love and ‘comprehension’ in the wrong places meaning, anywhere outside myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose myself every moment I sought myself outside of myself because I never realized who i really am and what I really exist as, therefore disregarding life as myself and as anyone else I used and abused in order to achieve what I wanted, desired and needed to apparently live.
to be continued …