I broke part of my usual routine by not cleaning on a monday and actually spending time communicating with others through the net. So that’s cool, it’s a simple thing to do yet, quite a big step for self definitions on being a control clean freak.
I read stuff on not taking risks and that’s been striking me the last few days. I realize that I’m still living out my preprogrammed life just as it was meant to be, yet also seeing that all that matters is who I am within and as me while going through what I have to practically do in my world such as going to school and doing all that.
I’m actually cool about the fact that I am stopping a mind illusion towards someone that I’ve built up around ideas and perceptions that in fact, as he explained it, can’t change him in any way whatsoever no matter what me might say or thing. And that’s the deal here. That’s all it takes.
And it has opened up stuff within me with regards to what is it that’s still acting within myself such as having an ideal of who I should be with. And I know that I cannot be with anyone else walking together until I don’t clear all the stuff within myself first – past specifically – and I’m going through that. Self Commitment just doesn’t ring your door for you to let that in, it is you actually going for it, willing yourself, it wont come as any other preprogrammed stuff in your life that just arrived and you took it.
I’ve been overall stable yet always thinking what I could be doing if I didn’t have to go to school and making up excuses to feel that I cannot do everything I would like to do or be – because within this I am still trying to better myself and change myself which isn’t able to be so really. All I can do is for myself as myself in every moment so I don’t allow any more ideas that tend to go into imagining a ‘better moment’ for myself in that moment, which creates just another idea of myself while not being fully there, present.
Basically all that I want to share today is this commitment to myself that I began almost a year ago yet, I’ve fallen with certain situations where I thought I was ‘bettering’ myself and trying to ‘fix’ myself AS my past – not realizing that I am not my past, I am not who I thought I was, I am not the same person that once went and enganged herself in these relationships to be accepted, liked, adored and recognized as ‘being worthy’ – none of that, therefore it’s common sense that once you realize this, once your inside is living out that change, the outside world has to change and the biggest point is simply not bearing myself to be around people that I once used to be based on a need and desire to be accepted, liked, recognized etc. denigrating myself as needing validation from someone that I – myself as the idea of me – considered ‘cool’ and of ‘worth’ so I could be ‘cool’ and ‘of worth’. HUGE mindfuck yet, this is what I accepted and allowed myself to become in my particular ways because, i wouldn’t be doing what everyone else was – I was never trying ot be a popular girl yet I found ways to be like that by not necessarily following the usual steps to get there, of course, disregarding who I really am completely.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having taken off the spice of life by stoppíng all ideas, projections of myself being with someone that I would enjoy myself with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about having to stop all mind projections and ideas and imagination related to someone that I could be with in order to not feel alone
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am alone
I forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel limited and constricted by having to follow a schedule to go to school because I cannot do whatever I want whenever I ant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still act out as the opinion and idea of myself in the past without seeing and realizing that it isn’t me, that it was merely an idea, belief and projection of who I created myself to be around others to belong to a certain kind of people, even if this kind was of the ‘outcasts’ – still part of the system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to how I usually act and speak according to the idea of myself, to being ‘somewhere else’ ws builiding things up in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepetd and allowed myself to only now see that every relationship I built around the idea of myself towards another in the past was merely a lie, therefore, never real, therefore never as worthy and of value as I had thought it all to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel isolated because of not having people that understands what process is that is near me and around me, therefore thinking that it is hard to go along through this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak at times as giving into memories of myself being enjoying the ignorance of the current process ongoing on Earth. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in self denial and deception while deliberately deciding not to look at this world and reality as it really is, beyond whatever a news anchorman would be placed to present and inform you with.
I forgive myself that I evera ccepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the situation this world lives in yet never considering how I could practially support myself as one and equal to ‘them’ in one way.
LEt’s stop this del usion t hat never was real anyways and fin soutions based on being one and equal. nothing else.
So it’s about stopping anything and all that is not real which is mind perceptions and ideas.
I share link where I post my visual explorations with camera: http://www.milklatte.blogspot.com/
So it was a bit more on the same stuff .