Me-emo ries, obsessions and stopping tea and kids stuff

At this very moment the point of equality and oneness considering people that ISN’T aware of what’s going on as the current process going on in Earth came to me as the manifestation of people that aren’t able to understand english, yet they perceive Desteni to be an important message and so they ask for subtitles and translations in my language: spanish. This is certainly something where patience is to be proven because fuck! language is just such a Huge bareer that I’ve taken for granted by being able to communicate myself within English as a second language. And I place myself as those guys that are wondering what the hell she’s talking about – Sunette as Interdimensional Portal –  merely catching words or phrases and focusing on an image because ‘language is just complicated’ or unintelligible for them. This is a huge point because imagine all the information that’s available in english, yet imagine all the time one needs to translate at least the most representative part in our mother language. Fuck! Yet I go into frustration at times and just do nothing about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into deliberate lazyness and frustration by being overwhelmed by the amount of material there is to translate for others – who don’t speak or understand english – to be able to understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely challenged by the idea of translating material because of deeming it as being ‘too much time’ to do that, yet, it certainly has to be done.

I was reading Marianne’s stuff and I agree completely: the full impact of ‘whatever it takes’ came to me and this is what I am willing to do to stand up. I tested my patience by actually getting into msn with this guy that wondered on desteni info and explained him roughly what process is about, portal, death, life, what is ahead of us etc. He seemed to ‘get it’ yet, i see he’s much into Kryon and other whitelightish stuff. I tried to explain myself as the material the best way I could and it was actually cool seeing that he takes into consideration the time and realizes that ‘all of what I said was new to him’ I explained how it also was for me at first when discovered Desteni… though suggested to take it all one step at a time. I know how it is to be overwhelmed by all this info in one single kick.

He also made comment on how it seemed fake because of some of the beings’ attitudes and immediately Jack came into my mind as how he explained himself and told the history of mankind with such taste of his, lol I definitely enjoyed this … citric way of explainging things being brutally honest, yet I see some people get a bit confused by such attitudes. I remember how I had noticed a change in Jack after some months, almost a year of those history of mankind videos (lol I just wrote manking = man the king ruler in this world that placed himself as ‘above all’ ) so. . . I explained what happened and urged him to not get distracted by the image of portal, by an attitude but getting into the message.

So it’s ok, going to walk through this, it’s cool actually yep!

I’ve had kind of a rough time this week. On tuesday I had my fear of having something going on with my appendix – which was merely my fear manifesting as a pain I thought to be the appendix and getting into memories of when my father was rushed into surgery because of that thing almost exploding inside of him, then seeing his scar etc –  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as the fear of not wanting to get what my father had as having his appendix removed as an emergency.

Yep so on tuesday I even called my mother to ask her if I should leave to go back home and stuff, I was seriously about to – even though I had just arrived on monday and what a drag that would’ve been – and so I went to the school’s doctor and he diagnosed colitis -w hich is something that I was also ‘fearing’ it to be – and then realized oh fuck , yes, my favorite tea contains a lot of spices and I drink and have drank it for over a year and a half now,  my body was telling me STOOOP that one! yet I didn’t hear, so here’s the manifested consequences of abusing the drinking of this chai tea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my body saying enough is enough and stopping drinking chai tea because I deemed those warnings as coming from the mind as a fear instead of body talking to me that I was getting my colon irritated.

yes I also researched on what colon is and B. once explained it was about being a stubborn, wanting to be right  .- yet this was mostly related to not being able to have a cool digestion process, which isn’t the case – so I saw it clearly was the tea. SInce that day I haven’t drank tea or coffee and that’s been a HUGE fucking deal within me. Yep, got horrible headache on wednesday which made me think that all those acids and alcohol and turpentine from the workshop was really placing me ‘somewhere else’ getting this horrible tingling headache which I kept until it was about 5 when I decided it was time to take caffeined aspirine. Fuck, then realized: i was addicted. Yes the body gets addicted to almost anything really. So first it was my 21 days of no chocolate which I completed successfully – and haven’t had that much chocolate since then, even less with this ongoing situation with colon – and it was ok. But now with no tea and coffee… I could go on without tea but coffee.. shit well, the problem is headaches, I’ve already applied self forgiveness on this stuff so I’m going to walk this. It’s no commitment to stop the coffee, merely to leave my colon alone for a while from all those aggressions to it. So :

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me not drinking coffee as the reason why I can’t keep myself staying up late reading and writing because I don’t have much ‘energy’ to do so, therefore getting ‘tired’ easily not realizing and placing into application the fact that I am not energy, i am not defined by the effect caffeine might have within my physical body

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to caffeine once again without noticing, therefore being unstable and completely needed of caffeine to not get headaches and other symptoms as ‘lacking more energy’ to do the usual stuff.

I am not energy, I am not tiredness, I do not accept and allow myself to be needing a substance such as coffee to keep me going . Breath is the only creator within me and that which keeps me going as Life.

I do not accept and allow myself to separate myself from anything I might drink such as coffee or tea.

Well I’ve been ok since that, not so much pain in colon, but hey was cool facing that ‘fear’ lol imagining going into surgery, I had to stop that, I didn’t get that ‘fearful’ yet I did questioned how long was I going to miss school and shit like that.

School was quite OFF this week, doing the usual, getting completely dismotivated at that art theory class by the explanation of how the art world industry works and the usual shit where billions are spent in showing stuff to others which merely motivate self interest for power as money within a certain world that is completely unknown to most of the people within this world. What a deal. Art completely lost its ‘carrier of the truth- ship’ long ago – so it seems

Yet I watched and read stuff that made me see: hey, not everything’s lost here.  Specifically watching the movie Stalker by Tarkovski  yesterday morning, it wowed me that such things could be even discussed in ‘just a movie’ and with such images…. reminded me of why I am doing what I’m doing. Seems that I had lost this enchant towards plastic static arts and it’s as if some bells are ringing in my head as veering and seeing and investigating on movies – although it could also be my mindfuck but hey, at least T’s vision is near to comprehending what it means to be one and equal and the Truth as that truth that isn’t to be sought, but to be found and placed there as a personal manifsetation within common sense perspective. We could give one step further if we wanted to, by presenting the message of equality and oneness within an individual expression which could be created as something that is able to get to several people and create an impact. 

He explains in this book he wrote after he’d done most of his movies that you cannot change anyone from watching a movie, but you can certainly lead them to this cathartic experience where some healing is evolved.  – or so I understood – and this took me back to the time when I was very interested in Jodorowsky’s movies – also coming from Russian background – where he takes art as a form of healing. I had completely forgotten about this because … fuck… after discovering desteni I completely numbed everything I had placed any kind of trust in for a while, and it was cool. But it’s up until now that I am re-considering it all and taking self honesty points and seeing what’s in and what’s not within the current way to go taking as starting point oneness and equality – including all that knowledge and information I took from new age books and other topics of the ‘spiritual’ matters containing actual points of reality as One  –

So I’m having a cool time watching these movies and reading this stuff mostly, because I really needed this, even if Tarkovski was another mind consciousness system lol, I’m sure he really placed himself as who he is within his movies, and talked how when a work of art is honest then it comes out as something ‘beautiful’ and not beautiful as the generally understood aesthetic placement of what is beauty? etc… but just that ‘beauty’ of the expression of the truth as he understood it then also taking into consideration common sense, even if this ‘beauty’ isn’t aesthetically beauty, but honest in itself.  So he was quite cool, he’s been death as long as I have lived on this life and it’s been quite interesting redescovering and getting into what he stood as within his life AS movies. So this might have to do something with process or not, who knows, it certainly is something that changes my perspective on art and what I’m able to do within it.

Saw  a guy just few years older than me giving a conference at school about making a short film as documentary of some village here in Mexico where they live in a farm and they grow their own food and how they "respect earth" – because they still show how they have to kill animals to live – and use them  for surivval. How their lives go by the crops, the fileds, how they talk and entertain themselves, their everyday life. It was quite cool considering it was recorded with a normal sony handy cam and lots of post-production work. So that rang other bells within me like: yes, I could do that if having a main concept or idea to share and create through a visual moment as a movie. Yet sometimes all the ‘art world’ overwhelms me as much as the whole world at times. It’s ridiculous because it comes form this need of me to be ‘all knowing’ and wanting to have full grasp of everything so I am able to ‘move myself freely’ in a certain ‘world’. So I take bit by bit, not wanting to eat the whole world in one piece. I cannot eat myself lol.
Then there was this teacher that has some expectations on me as a ‘video maker’ and he supports my stuff and he’s seen most of my videos and he digs them… though it seems I can’t trust myself completely yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be overwhelmed by knowldege and information because of wanting to be ‘all knowing’ within my field so that i am able to ‘work’ appropiately, not realizing that it’s nota bout knowledge and information but how I got experiencing myself as I walk through this process and incoporate life as expression as art.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure as ‘what I do’ as videos and recorded work because of considering my stuff as too plain and simple to be cared for.

If orgive myself that I have accepted an dallowed myself to believe that people are condescendent towards what I do just because it seems just ‘cool’ to them or something.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny to myself the fact that I am able to actually ‘do something cool’ as a short film or a video that gets the equality and oneness message out there for more to see and understand.

Yes, also not to fuck up with expectations of what I will do and what I won’t do – we don’t know anything for sure, all I can be sure of is myself here breathing and typing, drinking water at the moment. And being thankful for being to type almost as fast as words come to my head, lol

So I came back yesterday for my sister’s bday, I understand that I was a bit too ‘touched’ by the movie I had just watched and coming here, seeing all these people as family gathering for her bday I was a bit overwhelmed after having a long road home etc, yet managed through it and stayed with them for a while. I see that I have this aversion towards people when I am not necessarily expecting to see them, like getting home and wanting everything to be  peaceful and calm and seeing that there’s this reunion with some people, that made me feel frustrated or even angry which kind of showed and some peopel noticed yet they thought I was just tired from the road.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to demonstrate myself as being angry or frustrated towards others because of not being expecting them to be at my house, therefore spoiling my expectations to have everything be in peace and in its right place.

Oh yes, just got this out today from my mother: I am an obsesive-compulsive person. Fuck! I took it as being determined or something but NO! I see this, it shows when I’m working – yes some mates at workshop had called me ‘workaholica’ and so that was like Damn! I hadn’t really ‘noticed’ yet I’ve known all the way that I like to get things DONE in one moment, like  ‘done,-next one- period’. And within this same way other things go in life like routines and having things done and be as I do, as I want them to be and do, etc.

What does this obsesive-compulsive behaviour entails….? Anxiety perhaps, an anxiety that isn’t like that system that is felt within the body but as a way of thinking and moving yourself. I mean, it has it’s effective points as having things done and working on something and making sure I finish it, yet within other situations it gets a bit tiring from the perspective of being ‘over-loading’ myself with challenges I impose on myself. That’s why if I take the routine of eating a chocolate a day, I’ll do that till my stomach says stoop! If I take the routine to take chai every morning I do that until colon says Stooop! and so on with other stuff…… I go completely INTO something until it eventually wears off and I move on to something else. That is obsessive behaviour and I can’t grasp at thismoment what it deeply entails, so any perspectives, welcome.

I went to the cinema to watch this Coraline movie in 3D, lol I was the only human being in the whole room, I had fun with that had lots of places to choose from. lol.. I enjoyed the movie as if I was a child, the child in me that still gets fascinated by fantastic worlds. There is this character that reminded me of my ex bf lolol that was funny but also made me see: hey marlen, see there’s no need to go from love to hate, just stop the definitions towards anyone in your past and LET GO! Because they are still me, even if I had this ‘special bond’ with them and it eventually wore off and was torn apart, they are still me. So I embrace.

That movie theatre was waaay too far away from my house, I didn’t even know that mall and the bus I took went through streets I barely knew. I went by the hospital I was born in, the place where I first saw light with these eyes in this world, how bizarre. Then went by the national museum of trains where I used to go and paint and take pictures of the old machines and eventually one day,in one of the freight cars was the first place where I exhibited a work of mine within a museum-gallery context 3 years ago. And as I went by this same road I used to take when going every tuesday to that museum and then going to literature school downtown a dozen of streets away, I would remember all the places I had been taking pics at, all the times I went by with this or that person and all kinds of memories and realized how this city, this place has already the imprints of my past as I recall it everytime I go through that specific place where a memory was ‘created’. So I literally said: stop the mindfuck, ‘all you are is here what you see at the moment’ – and so kept on going. Memories as an imprint of ‘who I was’ that lingers around me until I release myself from that. They are a gift as it reminds you what still exists within you in separation, other times it’s just a plain drag really, though it’s all up to me.

So it was long as taking two buses and walking several blocks, yet enjoyed the process of it and stopping myself from getting completely annoyed and desperate by the heat, the people, the noise, the traffic etc. . . Then came home and it was very cloudy so I decided not to go to my friend Y’s bday celebration because I wouldn’t be able to eat those pizzas and I was feeling a bit odd within my body as the stomach felt unstable from some food  I probably had yesterday. So I stayed home, decided to be self honest and not force myself to go to such celebration even though it’s Y’s celebration and he’s proably the only ‘friend’ left, and realize that I have to pay attention to my body. So it was tough to say no, I can’t, I’ll stay at home because of this happening’ – and so I stayed here, shared process in spanish, read stuff and I’m writing at the moment here.

My aunt that is mexican yet lives in Germany came to visit with her german husband and son whose name is Roberto and he’s 7 years old and he likes to have fun. Yesterday he wanted to spend the night over here but his strict father didn’t allow him so, which tore myself apart because I saw how politely and gently he asked him permission to stay yet he denied such permission and urged him to go home. I saw how his eyes were about to break into tears yet he held it and I saw how anger was created at that moment because he sees in complete common sense how he is able to do what he feels like doing if it doesn’t ‘harm’ anyone, clearly it doesn’t yet I saw how his father was merely trying to subdue him, to make him see that he cannot break his father’s will as ‘rules’ and how things ‘must be’ as the father-authority-captain he is to him,  not being able to give in to accept such permission even though they come here like once a year and the kid was merely enjoying himself here with us. What a blatant manifestation of father as the ruling power over a kid,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be disgusted by robi’s father manifestation of power over the kid’s will

THe mere act of Robi getting so sad and down to his house made his father reconsider and so, he’s coming tonight to spend the night over and he’s excited he’ll do so. He’ll stay in my room so I’ll have fun. It’s cool because he speaks spanish fluently, odd seeing him watching cartoons and playing and relating to other kids just as if he was mexican, even talking to his mother in spanish yet going into german when he definitely got angry and frustrated for not allowing him to do what he want. He has said to his parents recently ‘I am tired of YOu telling me what to do! but when i grow up YOU will do as I want you to do!’ so this merely shows that placing power and this superior/inferior role as parent/child creates polarity and an obvious polarity manifestation that will lead to the inevitable struggle of power within a famil context. Oh boy.

We’ll see what happens.

Quite a long entry but I hadn’t written in a while out of going to sleep earlier than usual. I stop myself from participating in energy and feeling completely OFF even if it is 9:30 at the moment, lol.

thanks, bye!.

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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