It’s cool seeing how a ‘friend’ is able to actually be a cool definition of one when walking this process as you. I’ve seen this with my friend Y. I spent some time with him today at the café and he explained how he’d seen our old mutual friend once again and that he’d noticed that nothing has actually changed within this guy, that he remains the same (or even worse) as he keeps on filling his life by having someone to dominate and have power upon and buying expensive shit that makes his life apparently better. It is cool because Y. saw himself as the L’s new friend (L = old friend) being all the time with him, pleasing him and existing just for him. Y. directly spoke with both of them and ask that new friend: ‘Why do you allow this to you? why do you allow him to manipulate you?’ and so both guys were shocked by Y being brutally honest revealing to them what is it that is being created within such relationship. While I heard the words ‘allow’ I knew that after long talks on self forgiveness and realizing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become, he’s finally grasping this, he’s realizing all the shit that he’s manifested in his world and now he’s making others see what’s clearly going on in one single moment. And I see it as something cool because they sure get out of their preprogrammed train and get in shock for a minute while actually wondering ‘why am I accepting this manipulation? why am I accepting this power over me?’ and so that is cool because Y.has quite some friends and all of them are going through their own shit: facing themselves. And he explained how he communicates with them and makes them see what they are allowing within themselves and so what he explained is that people usually get in such a shock that sometimes they burst out in tears and just cry and some others get angry within themselves. And we both know that it is something that we are ALL going through at the same time, that no one’s more ahead than any other person because we move one and equal within this.
It is actually cool listening these experiences he gets from his friendships and then we go back to see ourselves as ‘who we were’ in the past from our current awareness and we see points in each other which is cool. I mean, I met Y by mere casualty, never considered him a friend but always ‘my friend’s friend’ until I finally ‘broke up’ with my ‘friend’ L and he remained in my life as someone that was there as me having had a person in common in our lives that had fucked ourselves immensly – well we allowed and accepted it so… we had that in common. Then we went our own ways to experience other friends, I was in a relationship at that moment and so we were apart only to then get together again sharing our experiences becoming ‘friends’ in a way. It’s not even like that because I see that I don’t spend much time with him, yet we enjoy sharing ourselves, our current experiences and he’s the one that is more aware of what is it that we are all doing at Desteni and process and writing and applying self forgiveness application and breathing…. He’s seen me from being the crazy girl wild me I used to be experimenting with boyfriend, drugs, spiritohellity and everything else that came as the package of ‘who I am’ as the definition of myself.
It’s really cool seeing that all those chats I had with him in the past, urging him to see what he was doing to himself as allowing him to suffer over someone without taking him into consideration and deliberately taking himself for granted actually has opened other’s eyes as mere sharing of personal experiences. This is cool. I realize that I am not dependent on this friend in any way, we merely share ourselves for a while every week or two and that’s it, we know we are walking this process and that we go facing different stuff and so this is how we support ourselves knowing that we are all going through the same stuff and that there’s no other way but doing it. Revealing-rebelling ourselves
And last night almost before waking up I had a dream of ex-boyfriend which made me realize that I went from the polarity fuckup of ‘love’ to hate-disgust and even shame for having accepted and allowed myself to get into such a relationship, any relationship that might’ve caused me to get into stuff I would’ve never done by myself – yet also got me through things that opened up many points that I wouldn’t be facing by myself as well. The point I realized is that I went from love to this disgust towards him which is merely creating another definition towards him instead of merely releasing myself from that relationships as past, applying self forgiveness and embrace him as part of myself as all – not good/bad – but just being.
So in the dream I manifested this scenario where I would go to his house early in the morning because he wanted to give me all the stuff he had created while we were together (he is/was kind of a junk and rarities collector so he kept lots of stuff in a room) so we were basically in that room with him and he was completely going into memories of ‘Oh I created this that time that blablala, remember? ‘ and getting quite nostalgic about it while I felt completely uncomfortable, not wanting to be there at all. I just wanted to get things ‘done’ and leave as soon as possible. I saw his mother, sister, father and I kept thinking: how come I ended up here, how come I allowed myself to exist in a relationship with this guy? ANd this is something that is completely ‘back door’ way because I had denied within myself the fact that such relationship wasn’t honey over chips all time, that I actually went through undesired and unpleasant stuff that took me to the edge of my beingness. Never realized this, I suppressed it completely, I actually got to the point of forgetting as I mentioned some posts ago in ‘forgotten past’ and so, this is pointing out that I have to release this resentment and regret I am still keeping myself towards the idea of him, towards myself while being with him, not being able to recognize myself within that relationship now that I see what I did, what I became while being with him, now as realizing who I am and what I’ve done. In m y dream he still showed this attachment towards the memories and idea of me which I was also able to notice the last times I would see him. I have no desire to keep in touch with him in any way whatsoever, yet it isn’t either to go into the opposite and now regard him as unpleasant and unwelcomed because then that’s complete separation as well – which is something that has been slowly developing since I went back into those old diaries and finding out stuff I had forgotten. Same applies with my other "friend" A whom I haven’t seen in a while and don’t feel any desire/need to see him at all which is cool I mean, it’s not like we’re not in speaking terms but he got the message: I’m not willing to support his dishonesty and he’s not willing to go beyond the idea of himself while being with me so it’s just a ‘doesn’t -make -sense -anymore’ relationship. It’s much better this way as not having to compromise myself in any way.
Yes, I acknowledge that I went into a huge loop as I’ve said only to get to the very same point. From deliberate separation as rejection towards someone – to the actual desire to ‘fix’ things and try change someone into something "better" – huge mindfuck – then getting through the same experience of ‘this doesn’t make any sense of being’ and ending up apart from such person once again. Only this time I am not necessarily blaming him for MY experience towards him while being with him and this means taking self responsibility, thanking self forgiveness as being able to forgive myself for what I’ve done and become and stop.
So I stop all perceptions, ideas and judgment – specifically judgment – towards people with whom I existed within a relationship. I am here to make sure that I won’t repeat this shit ever again not for mysel or anyone as me because in creating relationships and this specialness towards someone, one allows shit deliberately in the name of ‘love’ and ‘comprehension’ and ‘acceptance’ which is what these guys were seeking as myself as well. We gave such things to each other yet, while accepting and allowing it, we fucked ourselves immensly, giving into this suppossed human nature that destroys and really ‘rips’ ourselves apart.
TIme to let go and just remain here, past-less. Although I’m thankful once again for the dream showing me where I’m still existing in remorse, disgust, and general discomfort towards the idea of myself within such relationship that I had deemed as ‘completely cool and special’ lol
OH well, it seems I won’t stop getting surprises from myself and my suppressed stuff towards another. Worm can opener. Cool. I see that I cannot ‘get rid’ of something at once, these are the actual layers of the onion that we are all peeling off to reveal ourselves to ourselves. Special thanks to Marianne’s latests posts that allowed me to dare to see what I had suppressed within myself as well.
Cool, let’s keep opening up.