Going to begin exploring some emotions I once kept in a file from a post Andrea wrote in the Forum. it’s actually a long list but I’m beginning with part one of the two groups named after polarity manifestation of: bully and victim which is something cool to explore.
At the moment what pops up in my mind is when i was about 3/ 4 years old – as far as I can go back in memory – and remember being bullied by my cousins – who were around my age or a bit older – who would enjoy and make fun of me being hurt by what they’d say and think of the way I spoke, dressed and acted until I would burst into tears and they’d be fulfilled with their purpose of the day – and my sisters who would ‘play’ with me but would also bother me in a way. Felt attacked whenever anyone would make fun of the way I talked and acted because I used to be quite a ‘little diva’ when I was a kid lol, quite spoiled as being the youngest child at home. So I felt attacked whenever my cousins would make fun of me being innocent, of not daring to do things they wanted me to do, and eventually running for my mother so she could go and scold them for bullying me.
Growing up I went through similar attacks at school yet there it was merely challenging myself for being apparently ‘intelligent’ and ‘teacher’s favorite’ and basically having to deal with other kids and even ‘friends’ talking shit about me. I was about 7 at that time and I had to deal with this stuff. Crying in front of my mother because of realizing that my ‘best friend’ actually judged and criticized me for being who I was-. I took it as her being jealous of ‘who I was’ at school yet all these events made me overcome the desire to change school, to avoid seeing those guys trying to find and be somewhere else where I wouldn’t be bullied and just mix with the rest of the class. My mother actually made me see at that time that everywhere would be the same in any other place, that it wasn’ta bout ‘where I was’ but ‘who I was’ within it all, that I had to be strong and not care at all what anyone said about me, that I know ‘who I am’ and so walk through school neverminding comments and judgments towards me.
This was quite a constant throughout my life until I stopped caring and then I really stopped minding if people talked or not. Yet this confidence was based on a ‘tougher’ image of myself which was also a reaction towards what I had experienced earlier on my life: easy bullied hard as shell veneer. Being this ‘tough’ image of girl/woman that would usually then scare guys away and so I basically had to live as this opinion/perception of myself being able to ‘stand it all’ until getting to the point where I knew that it was merely a personality suit in order to be able to be ‘understood’ as an outcast, as the girl that doesn’t belong to any particular group of friends yet gets along with anyone while still preferring to read a book or wander around alone in recess time, watching the sky having the tag of ‘don’t mess with me’ – spreading this image of myself as invincible.
Eventually at these times I used to speak my mind literally frequently in class and most of times no one would ‘dare’ to challenge my ideas and opinions. I first felt immediately attacked when someone did – when someone dared to do so – that specific someone dared to challenge my words as perceptions making me sway in my hard-as-rock confidence in what I was saying. First created rivalry with this guy, almost hating his guts, then – after having to spend all highschool in the same class with him – we became cool mates even though he was the kind of rich popular picky guy and I was a rocker-depressive-smartass girl lol yet it was one of the few (barely non) persons I could actually spend time talking with on religion, politics, money and everything that was going on in this world. We realized that beyond our personalities and masks there was something that united our perspectives based on what is common to all, we ended up being fond of each other as respecting our personas – yep praising our egos maybe.
Another memory popping up as being attacked is this one that happened 2 years ago when presenting one of my first works in art school for my class. I created this box filled with objects that everyone just kept saying they loved and adored and everyone kept saying cool stuff about it – uplifting comments for my ego. Yet someone I considered back then as my friend presented his work after me, after I had received almost an ovation from teacher and fellow mates… he felt threatened and decided to deny any comment I had made upon my work within his workd as being autobiographical and personal meaning, saying that he thought that was bullshit and he eventually had quite a boliled up conversation with my teacher, things were quite tense that moment and I just felt attacked by someone I had actually placed trust upon. At that time I allowed myself to be affected by this coming from ‘him’ – someone I deemed as special – and separated myself from him in fear of having someone near me that would be actually kind of obsessing over my work – because he usually would praise the stuff I did yet later on he shapeshifted into basher of it as well. His ego was quite big, nowadays he’s much cooler with that. All the attack came from him considering himself similar to me and wanting our stuff to be similar when it couldn’t be ever be so.
Overall the feeling of attack comes when we allow ourselves to defend an ego of the mind. When we feel threatened by others opinions on ourselves because we think that it IS our definition and no one is ever able to say anything about it, otherwise we tumble and fall from our proudly constructed personality. Attacked as being challenged as opinions on myself or anything else. Feeling attacked when someone dared to point out dishonesties within me. Attacked when someone saw me with an ‘angry face’ taking it personal that such person then ‘doesn’t like me’. Attacked when being challenged as my thoughts and opinions. Attacked when someone talked shit about me. Attacked when some ever got obsessed over me and the stuff I did. Attacked when always being blamed for things I hadn’t done. Attacked when being the outlet of one of my sister’s problems in life and being defined with unpleasant words without ever realizing she was speaking about herself. Attacked when my mother wanted -or thought she could – change me in her image and likeness, feeling attacked every time she wanted me to do this and that, shut up when being too ‘open’ or attacked when she wanted to know about my stuff as friends and ‘lovers’. Attacked when males lust over your image, attacked when being offended with curses, attacked when considered ‘less than’ a male, attacked when taking things personally.
Now I realize that it is a defense mechanism of the ego, therefore feeling attacked is just that a feeling, a perception when not actually being self honest and building self trust as myself, where no matter what anything or anyone thinks believes and perceives about me will change ‘who I am’ as I am not defined by ideas/perceptions and opinions.
This is the first part of it.
talking on other topics
I got to know today that one of my teachers just died. He was the one I had written papers for where I included some information on the mind, unified consciousness field, mind consciousness systems and common sense perspectives on our reality as humans. He was quite cool daring ourselves to read from different disciplines and authors and get our own assessments on the information to see what is practical for our ‘profession’. He was quite a human sciences enciclopedia, yet he smoked about 10 cigars during our two hour class. Don’t know which was the cause of his death but fuck, i was rememering this afternoon that I repeatedly thought on him getting ill because of smoking or some heart attack or something. I always wondered if he ever read those papers I would deliver him as homeworks – maybe not because he never asked where I had gotten the information from on mind consciousness systems and how the mind works. Who knows, if he didn’t, I’m sure he is quite well informed by now. Too ‘bad’ because he was the cool teacher I had this year – and now he’s gone. Well may he begin his process and finally see beyond all the knowledge and informaiton he’d become here on Earth. He is Here anyways.
I chatted a while with N and remembered some stuff on my previous new ager era seeking the truth outside of myself, laughing about it while embracing it as prepartion stage for the awareness of process and what it entails. By doing so stopping the shame and guilt by having existed in enlightened self interest and mind delusions on god and light and taking it merely as part of what I had to go through to get where ‘I am’ at the moment – always been here yet stopped going in circles and I’m slowing down to merely establish self honesty as me, where no matter what happens, I remain as the breath of life. No more seeking or looking outside of myself. Hag a great laugh anyways, that is very cool.
This is it at the moment. Will continue as it unfolds. thanks