Going through that same list of words the one that came though my head few hours ago was used. When I felt being used to give other’s pleasure, a nice time as well as when I used others for my own benefits.
This goes down to every time that I persuaded something through someone, manipulating the situation to get what I wanted, knowing beforehand how to ‘get it’ and merely playing out the steps to unfold the eventual desired outcome. Self interest.
It really is difficult to follow self interest, you have to create ways to disguise your actual desires towards something or someone. When connecting this to the word use a drawing I made comes to my head
It says in spanish: ‘What are we doing to ourselves? And I drew this last year when realizing what the fuck up we’ve made with the idea of Love. Eating away on each other, disguising abuse and use for our own pleasure and benefit the caring of someone. Complete dishonor.
I am realizing that the regret and shame for having accepted and allowed myself to get into certain relationships just to get my 3 seconds of pleasure was something that I sure won’t ever repeat again. I have to accept the fact that I cannot go back in time and stop myself from going there, but I sure can forgive myself and make sure I don’t ever commit the same mistake.
Even drawing this to me was the acceptance of deliberate harm and abuse I experienced while being on relationships – harm and abuse as sticking to another to get self pleasure and enjoyment and fleeing from ourselves by using something else and pretend to be free and loving. How I abused such word as I’ve written in previous posts. Yet feeling ‘used’ is something that I have resisted to talk because it seems too sad, I associate it with a kind of low self esteem where you literally place yourself as available to be used to give others pleasure/ a benefit/ etc. Wow, I can only imagine what a prostitute experiences knowing this is their job and it is literally to be used. Fuck, and we all are them as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity a prostitute when realizing what they place themselves as within this world by the mere need of money.
First impressions of being used come from – once again – people at school, wanting to have me as ‘friend’ because then they could ask to copy my homework – yes, I always was the responsible one making homework every day – I would feel very used whenever someone came by and said hi and asked stupid questions to then get to the final purpose of "oh by the way, did you do the homework? could you lend that to me? thaanks!!" and living with a fake smirk in their faces while I knew that they really didn’t give a damn about ‘me’ but my responsibility placed in the form of a homework. So I really never knew if people really were my ‘pals’ at school – I used to get along with most of people, made no distinctions yet some became my pals at some point, some by asking me for the homework. Oh well.
Then other used situations come from my ‘friends’ my very first ‘real friends’ that I began having in 2003 – teenage years, yes – with whom I spent great times yet at some point they used me to not be alone, to not have to face themselves alone because they couldn’t bare the idea of themselves with their tormented minds, that loneliness they mostly evaded. One with compulsive buying and desires for expensive shit and the other by consuming drugs. I never considered it as ‘such a bad thing’ at that time and glided along seeing them do that, even drove me to such manifestations of ‘wanting/getting’ something to feel good and complete and with a ‘dream’ in life. Oh boy, confusing them really enjoying my presence and liking me without noticing they might’ve used me to not be alone just because I wanted to play ‘the good friend who’s always there for them, wanting to be worthy and of value by doing that – as if I was mother theresa or something – even though they claimed to really enjoy my presence- Note: to this day I seriously doubt this because how is someone able to enjoy another if they aren’t even capable of enjoying themselves alone?
THe whole starting point of it all was fucked by them and me not being able to be alone. That’s how I became dependent on these guys to spend my time with, literally. Every weekend and several days a week I would waste my time sitting in a coffee shop for hours and hours talking over the same shit, over our sad lives and creating empty dreams of someday everything ‘getting better’ – just like hamsters running in circles (may they pardon me for using them as an example of our human stupidity ) –
And last comes along with being used for sex which is the ‘heavy one’ and there’s this quite still a bit opened wound there that will only heal as I forgive myself for this. Because I really gave myself to someone thinking that someone was ‘in love’ with me, that this man actually cared what I felt and cared for him, disregarded all the appreciation I truly had – blindly had – towards him, and used that so he could have me in the palm of his hand so he wouldn’t have to be alone along with his self disgust thoughts covered up with the creation of an exalted confident/ strong/ empowerd ego. And I fell for it blindly, I was probably too young and inexpert within this, thinking that just because it had been my ‘platonic love’ for long time he was ‘the one’ and so I had to go for it. Eventually becoming his ‘ever present’ lover in a way […] I experience some pain once again as I write this. This is the only way to go disentangling myself from the past, by facing it directly, accepting the raw awful truth of what I became in my innocent seeking of an ideal love – not that I am justifying myself – but it really went on as the eternal seeking of such illusion. Stop the shame and regret because double judgment/double trouble.
I won’t ever allow myself to be part of anyone’s self interst, nor will I allow myself to use anything or anyone to satisfy myself, my needs, my desires without taking into consideration that anything or anyone I might need or desire is separation, a lacking of – not one and equal and not taking responsibility for the other as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel extreme shame and regret by remembering the time when I was someone else’s slave, being enthralled by an ideal love and placing myself as available for anything anytime becasue I was so desperately seeking for an experience of care and love outside in separation of myself, from the starting point of feeling ‘incomplete’ alone by myself.
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to consider myself incomplete by being alone, thinking, believing and perceiving that I needed something or someone to feel complete, to be alive, to experience what ‘love’ and a ‘relationship is’ to finally taste it for myself and get into the ‘usual’ things to do as a ‘human being’ a.k.a "falling in love and entering a relationship"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be misguided in relationships thinking that I was being ‘open minded’ and daring myself outside the box, not realizing and seeing I was being manipulated by others into their own perceptions of what ‘freedom is’ to support their self interest.
I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see for real what kind of relationships I existed as, existing for each other only so we could be our company in our misery, being together to get high and pretend to be free from ourselves
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a relationship to increase my self confidence, my self esteem because I wasn’t being able to appreciate myself, to be owrthy of something becuase of being constantly belittling myself as never being ‘good enough’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within such thoughts of ‘not being good enough’ and within that, allowing me to be used and abused in order to get recognition and ‘care’ by others in the name of ‘love and appreciation’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in shame at this moment for realizing what I allowed myself to be and become as someone’s ‘unconditional lover’, being there whenever he wanted because of me deeming to love him, and thinking that he loved me back – only to later on after all those years having him confessing he never actually ‘felt that’.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid for not having seen this earlier on, and kidding myself into thinking that things were ‘cool’ the way they were – no commitment – which really only led me to lowering even more my self esteem, not considering myself good enough for him or anyone else because of not having him being ‘comitted’ to myself only. Oh boy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand by a man that talked on himself all the time, being used only as an ear to agree/comment/disagree with his points of view on life and his life, never really paying attention to what I had to say and share as myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support selfish egos by being unconditional with them, feeding their egos whenever I could in means of ‘lifting up’ their self esteem
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I could ‘uplift’ anyone’s self esteem never realizing that I wasn’t even honoring myself, that I wasn’t actually considering myself at all but existing towards other’s benefits and self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going back in time and erasing the fucked up idea of longing for a relationship because It really messed with me, extensively
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desired merely keeping the ‘good stuff’ about a relationship with another, and kidding myself into thinking that I could suppress the ‘bad’ memories of self abuse, allowing myself to be used unconditionally for someone else’s desires and self interest.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain in a relationship just because of being able to get sex and weed from that someone
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain in a relationship out of misery for the other person, out of compassion and self pity never realizing that I was actually pitying myself, fearing to stand alone and disguising it as ‘support’ for another one without even seeing that I wasn’t honoring myself, i wasn’t self-respecting myself at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of me as having been too naïve within such relationships, by ‘swallowing’ the idea of being in love, being loved and cared for, never wanting to accept the starting point of those relationships in first place as a way to get fulfillment of sexual pleasures, the support of self dishonesties as habits, addictions and fixations of the mind as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tormented by a past that isn’t here, i forgive myself unconditionally for who and what I accepted and allowed myself to become as someone’s girlfriend/ lover in means of wanting to know what ‘love’/being loved was.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to manipulate someone to get what I wanted, disguising it as innocense and merely playing out the role to get the ultimate benefits as self interest.
We all know by now how far we’ve gone into dishonoring ourselves as life by abusing and USING the word love, care and comprehension in means of self interest without ever considering that all such apparent hidden and disguised thoughts and means cannot go anywhere and have to be faced – ‘ I have not place to run and hide! ‘ – we know that we have to re-establish and purify these wrods
Being with someone in complete agreement to support one another, taking self responsibility for each and every single thing that is to be experienced within oneself – being stable by myself – so I can merely express and share and walk with another. We cannot allow any more relationship fuck ups to cover one’s dishonesties, support habits, addictions and deliberate ‘ways of being’ that we know harm oneself as well as the rest of the world as one and equal.
It really all begins with ourselves.
I do not accept and allow myself to ever engage with another that isn’t willing to stand one and equal to myself as who I am – one and equal – to honor life, to be self-responsible and direct ourselves as one and equal to what’s best for all – giving up all desire to fuflill shallow desires that come and go, that vanish after a while.
What is real, what remains is who we really are in expression of life. Let’s stand as life – loving myself so i can expand myself as caring for anyone else as me. The real embracing is Here.
no more fuck ups.
Let’s direct ourselves as real self support in every moment. That’s the only possible way.