recognizing

I was asked by my friend Y to go take some pictures in this book presentation today. It’s a book that describes the problems going on in Oaxaca, México and the oppression that has been going on directed by Oaxaca’s governor so police men are able to kill and torture people that are creating riots. This was (apparently it has ceased now, repeat: apparently) a tough situation that was widely criticized at a national and international level. The point is, this book was created with funds of an artist and contains essays by sociologists and intellectuals of the country. I agreed going there even though I see no fun in making money out of taking pics to such riots. Although later on I found out that apparently the money raised with the selling of the book will go to families of death people killed while these attacks and riots took place a couple of years ago. It is quite boring seeing how they try to explain what’s going on and try to take themselves into consideration while they are speaking on the microphone towards the assisting crowed, touching their ‘heart’ as if it had been themselves the ones that suffered such problems. Though if you go to their houses you’ll see that they make lots of dough out of playing ‘the left’ within the very same system that creates such oppression towards the people they are writing about. That makes no sense to me, and I really stood there because Y asked me for such favor. Although I really didn’t take that much pictures as I went into this silly inferiority complex because I saw lots of people taking pics to the ‘installation’ there having their pro cameras and I felt really ‘little’ with my usual digital camera. Fuck, I mean lol! I have that camera because I can carry it around  most of time and it isn’t intimdating as a reflex one – though it is quite weird when people think that because I take such pictures I have this big pro camera – I don’t – and so that as quite a test for me. I felt quite silly and it opens up a point within ‘something I do’ as taking pics which – for quite some time – I regarded as ‘the best art-activity I do’ because of enjoying taking them and working on them to get the exact final product I wanted. I still enjoy that, but even when I went to Colombia to exhibit fotos, everyone was expecting me to take out my big pro camera like these other photographers and I just ‘rode’ along with my digital pocket camera hehe, that time I actually felt even cool about it…. yet today wasn’t the case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by many people having professional cameras because I don’t have one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself for not having a ‘proper’ equipment to take pictures, even though people know that I ‘take pictures’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get bothered when people said I was a ‘photographer’ – I am not – I take pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of not having a proper equipment to take pictures with, although my camera does fair job and gets the kind of result I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that If ‘I take pictures’ I have to get a professional camera even though I am not bothered by the results I get from mine

well this is kind of shallow self forgiveness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self forgiveness as shallow because it’s about material stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear being called a photographer, because it would mean that I  have professional equipment and am well trained in  taking photographs with analogic cameras.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken serious because of the kind of camera I use

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by the  kind of camera I use because I dedicate myself to ‘take pictures’

Oh well… I went through it anyways and did what I could, took pictures when I felt like it, didn’t cmpromise even though my friend did notice I was hindering myself, feeling intimidated by all those photographers taking pictures…….. anyways, i got some pictures for my collection anyways.

I enjoyed myself today, parents went to mexico city and I felt just like the old days when they used to travel around more often and I was left with my sisters alone. Woke up quite early so got to do ‘more’ than usual like reading forum, painting, then spending time sharing with N and discussing movies I’ve watched these week: Solaris and The mirror by Tarkovski. We were discussing how great his movies are and how he depicts life, the simplicity  of life from a common sense perspective – life as life as what it entails being a human being on earth, it’s charms and harms. Very into it currently and will dig more as I will take him as reference for school work…..
Ah yes back to-today I began a painting, I felt like painting and I guess it just came as a result of being alone here at parent’s home which means that I do feel limited and constricted when they are around here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel limited and constricted when parents are home therefore feeling ‘free’ and ‘able to do whatever I want’ whenever they go out of town.

Today at this book thing my friend presented me these people and one of the guys to whom I was saying ‘oh nice to met you’ suddenly said yeah I already know you, you once showed us one weird video you made at F’s house (we used to have weed and drink parties at my friend’s Y boss house F) and so I went: oh really? I don’t remember that but bet it was me, yes… Then realized oh fuck I must’ve been quite high and being with ex-bf that’s why i don’t remember a thing about it, nor the video that I ‘showed’ him. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because of not being able to recall my past and who I’ve met before because of having been high on weed or alcohol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mortify myself for having exposed myself being high and drunk around people I don’t even remember having met.

THis actually kind of shocked me to be honest because I can’t even remember how I ‘behaved’ at that time, I mean I’ve got few pictures from those moments in my head now though it’s about the memory brought here as him recognizing me and me not being able to recognize him, therefore feeling dumb for not even being able to recall such m oment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite dumb for not being able to recall people and specific moments in my past – I let go fo the past without judging what I’ve done but only taking it here as me, forgiving myself for it and letting it go again so that I don’t remain with such ‘hidden’ moments inside me, but let go completely of them.

I saw my friend A yesterday, her father was with her, it was so weird: her coming out from library with her dad – it was ok with me though I noticed she wasn’t ‘that glad’ to see me anyways… well some things will never be the same yet, I’m not worried or concerned about it. Just like with my other friend A. haven’t seen him at all and It’s just fine, have no desires or will to go see him, I know he’ll probably be doing the same shit as lighting his life up rolled up in a joint and making music. Even his music has become quite routinary so.. there isn’t anything I’m missing.

Also met at school with the friend I described here some posts ago, the one that got jealous on my artwork in the past – though I’m glad to he’s quite cool settled with doing his own thing. He’s getting to know lots of people by selling non-commerical movies he gets in black market at cheap prices… he knows the guy that made that short film I watched at school the other day and said he really has this perspective on life that isn’t debatible even though he’s about 20 years old, pff. Then some workshop mates have boyfriends studying in the cinematographic capacitation center – and they told me how they have to make a short film each year there, how they get most of the material needed from school and that it’s quite difficult to get in etc, but It’s funny how all these pointers going towars ‘movies’ have been going on around me.. well maybe i’m being interested on that, and that’s about it but yes, I see it as a direct way to really get into people’s lives by presenting situations anyone is able to relate to – common sense situations – this is the key, and yes I’d very much like to do something like that to get the message of oneness and equality as life depicted in a movie and infiltrating the stuff I like taking pictures to in it. Yeah would be so cool to work with a team of people sharing ideas  and actually creating that. Would be very cool.

Ok so, I see that this process is about not mattering where I am or with whom I am, I remain stable within myself. It’s still weird to me seeing people that grow ‘fond’ of me in a way, it’s always being weird. I came back and took some pictures of myself and got quite amazed by my picture presentation, I realized that I’ve been most of my life weirded out by my physical appearance, thinking I have a weird aspect, a weird face and I have gotten used to people looking at me constantly. Well, fuck, maybe I even created that by caring about them seeing me as a ‘weird looking girl’ even though there’s nothing weird at all. It’s just me maybe always having felt quite separated from my body which is unacceptable considering that this body is what I am at the moment here in the physical… still have to transcend self judgment about that because I’m not fully embracing myself yet.

Yesterday I spent 5 hours from house to house, it was insane and I kep twondering why i had placed me in such school, yet I know that if it hadn’t been for that I wouldn’t have actually experienced what it is to be alone, to live alone and take care of a house and be responsible for it etc… I’ve considered such experience sometimes even more important than the actual school process. Well all is part of it all but eyah I breathed through being stuck in traffic, drawing, listening to music, watching out the window and realizing that  – I just have to walk it –

Ok this is it. Thanks

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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