I experienced frustration throughout the day and it manifested as me literally having small cuts in my hand while working with metal because of not being HERE as Breath but instead existing in the mind fleeing from myself. Frustration because it takes almost an entire morning to create so little work in a certain texture in the etchings I’m currently producing, I’d said I was testing myself as my levels of patience yet it has been quite a challenge and I finished the works today yet I haven’t yet printed them out and fear I might’ve done something wrong and screwed them up big time – which is able to happen as once the acid gnaws metal there’s only so little you’re able to do to fix it –
Then this mate mentioned: well today might not be your day – which also irritated me but wen through it doing what I could even though I had this complete lack of self direction. I didn’t know whether I should leave today or not, decided to flick a coin and ‘decided’ to leave and I had quite a small space in the bus on my way back and so it was quite uncomfortable as well and the deal is that I’m noticing how when I’m in such bad mood people around me notice. Like the man sitting next to me definitely noticed and it’s not cool because I create this tense vibe without even speaking or looking at them in the face. This happened twice during the day and so I realize that I have to stop. THis was mentioned by past friends that whenever I wasn’t feeling comfortable it completely showed in my face and I made others uncomfortable. Well, certainly I’ve never been good at faking my experience in a moment though have to be more aware of the reasons that it’s causing this frustration, general annoyance feeling – and I KNOW, fuck, I know that when one gets in such mind set everything and anything can happen. Like I even got to be in the very same bus I spent 5 hours stuck on traffic on monday, Trivial things yet when being in that mood, it all may trigger this fastidious feeling and experience.
In a way this is all a response of how I am kind of getting tired of my then cherished routine, I am questioning it more now, like not being so apprehensive if I didn’t clean today because I woke up 45 minutes later than the usual and oh ! I see, there comes the deal, I woke up in a rush to get the garbage out because my cellphone didn’t make the alarm clock role effectively – well I didn’t program it so it didn’t work – and I really tried to do and get everything done but not everything went out as I wanted – and yet I was talking with my mate at workshop how he wants to be in control of situations and if he isn’t then he gets frustrated LOL I was talking to myself as well of course. That guy is the kind of ‘serve all’ guy, the unconditional friend that will do anything and everything you ask him some help on… I discussed how he would have to really be honest with himself in seeing what he really is up to do and be for someone else. Going further it came out that his father is rather an authorative figure. He explained how he sometimes goes to work with him and works as much or even more than his real employees, yet he pays him half of what employees earn. And he doesn’t say anything because ‘it’s his father and he loves him’ So I really suggested him to speak up for what he is seeing is completely unfair. This is another example of how the family matrix also establishes this unequal relationships as ‘I’m your father! and so you must do as I say! you mustn’t complain on what I give you! I consider what’s best for you!’ and so with the mask of ‘love’ and ‘parenthood’ we submit ourseleves to these apparent ‘superior’ forces as our owners from being ‘their sons and daughters’. Fucked up isn’t it. Well maybe that conversation made him open up within him, he says how he’s been feeling frustrated and irritated about it. I think we all do, we all get irritated and frustrated when seeing things yet not speaking up .
Today I also got disgusted by myself as humanity, seeing life through the bus window… traffic, people running from here to there without being even aware of the sun shinning behind them. Kids cutting off branches of a tree to hit (yes, as absurd as it sounds) a piece of dead cut log lying on the floor and plucking some leafs of the tree as well… people ‘jogging’ in the areas with grass in the middle of large avenues, filled with cars and smog. THen going through the poor zones in the city in the outskirts… parents holding a little kid by the hand, creating the image of a ‘recently spawned’ family trinity, walking through land filled with garbage, people seeking useful garbage to get some money to get by the day, people packing their goods after a long day of market sale in the same dry land area where they share their days amongst a desolate view of grey houses built with cheap materials going up hill, seeking a way to expand themselves in this city that seems to consume them as they consume it as well. Survival is all that existed in my mind, cannot fathom how people still bring kids to this world without actually noticing where they are bringing them to. It’s insane.
Going through the highway in the middle of the mountains I see a fire and the orange blazes caught my attention within the pitch dark landscape we were going by and remembered that video on the fire as life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRIt2tOrwss and then finally arriving to my city, seeing people working in informal jobs as selling cheap garbage from china, selling the last roasted chicken and wonder how and why the life of an animals is weighted in kilos and has a certain money value, how we’ve corrupted everything around us. I see couples kissing and hugging as if that is their salvation to go throug this world. Bars and other places of ‘socializing’ with alcohol are already filled with people that feel a bit closer to their ‘freedoom day’ their friday, feeling capable of getting drunk so they are able to still go through another day at work while finding their ‘significant other’ to spend their weekend with. People deliberately prentending to have fun, people deliberately suffering by what they’ve built around for themselves, and then seeing the inevitably poor ones that didn’t get a fucking opportunity to even stand up within this world, being born by default within a system that has already labeled them as ‘poor’ by birth, by their parent’s and family’s economic status. I always get overwhelmed when thinking of all people having to feed ourselves, drink water, shower, shit, buy more food, work, travel, relate. . . pff and this done everyday just as if there’s any ‘advance’ within that. No! of course not. We turn and see apparent ‘sci-fi’ movies as impossible within this reality yet we are complete robots following rules and a set up as a city, as a reality that we’ve created to feel at "ease", in control of the environment – yes ladies and gentleman, man feels powerful by having had such ability to use their hands with such dexterity to actually create tools for survival. Never realizing that we were actually biting our own hand, the hand that feeds, never considering that we were using ourselves in means of survival, but placing ourselves as being superior to everything else in nature available for us. Depredators are we, and we cannot deny this.
I’m completely in for the idea of having to stop requiring food, this is the very first thing that creates such rampage that ends as being a concept ‘the food chain’, literally CHAINED and enslaved to survive by eating and consuming other life expressions to get by every day. Chained-change and this change is only and will only be able to be placed when we are al One and Equal in complete support towards life, otherwise we would go back to abuse it. It makes complete sense to me how we are facing ourselves this way. And still has to get even further down and dirty for us to fully see what we’ve been all creating so far – and we all know we can’t say it’s been progress or any kind of fucking evolution. We cannot trust our own knowledge created by such a simplistic version of a mind that captures reality based and determined by a preprogrammed functioning, that is common sense.
Later on I go by this billboard asking people to send a text message to support and approve for "death penalty to murderers" what a fucking paradox and I bet people don’t see it, and I bet peole actually take out their cellphones and support such hatred towards killers without realizing that they are ordering to kill another one they aren’t willing to accept and see as themselves as well ‘The killer in me is the killer in you’ –
Then N shares this news going on aroudn his city with this DEMONstration against Israel by extremist groups wanting to gather as much people as possible in the context of some tennis match with the participation of both countries. Unbelievable, it’s something I can laugh at, it’s something I deem as being utterly stupid and even unbelievable yet it does fucking exist! and events like this go around the world day by day: the fucking cultural division by the idea of themselves as a language, as a historic background, the hate, the intolerance towards one another. I mean, this can fucking go on forever if we/you/they don’t start seeing themselves as those we ‘hate’, those that actually bother ourselves, as THAT which triggers our inner demon which leads us to exert our anger and madness onto this world to fuck it even more.
It’s got to stop, there’s no other fucking way. To stop all and everything because we know this can’t be sustainable, we can’t go on like this forever I mean, come on! people divided by the idea of a race? a culture? a religion? a fucking skin color? a fucking ideology? This is utter bullshit, proudly man-made bullshit and we have to stop it since we are the creators of this rampage, this rant- age, this mess-age and stop all opinions of ourselves as being from a certain culture, a certain background, within a certain ideology, education, race, political ideas – we all know those are just ideas of no use to LIFE at all, instead they are the terms for separation to exist.
When will we stand one next to the other seeing ourselves from within and without as the manifestation of ourselves as one? Then we’ll do something about it.
Just as in that tarkovsky movie – maybe shame will save man.