Casualties

I had quite an interesting day yesterday. I went to look for tickets to go to SA and we went to this travel agency that was filled with people. Some woman said, ‘and we are in a crisis eh!’ as to say that we still have money to travel around even though the dollar is going up as milk’s foam when being heated. I have to get the ticket asap otherwise there’s this speculation that price of dollar may go up to 20 pesos a dollar which would completely suck, at the moment is 15 already and yes… not cool at all. To me that ticket will cost jesus’ age when he died in thousand pesos, lol. I’m being supported completely by parents and maybe sisters though yes will have to get some finance going on with a bank to cover the whole price. It’s a fucking lot of money.

Anyways at this travel agency we were sitting, waiting for our turn and this rather extroverted elder woman with platinum short hair and flamboyant clothes comes in and sits next to my ‘mother’ and asks us if she can just ask a quick question with regards to her already booked trip before it’s our turn. She began speaking to my mother and the other woman next to her, you could immediately tell she wasn’t from this city, lol.  Then she asked where I was going and why and what I was studying. She had piercing light blue eyes, almost chrystal like, very unusual eyes and she said she’s Italian but lives here in Puebla. I explained what I was going for to SA and she was quite interested in the topic. In a matter of minutes we were discussing human’s inability to give up self interest to change our current situation, and how it all begins with ourselves. She kind of had this ‘secret’ philosophy of thinking possitive etc yet I explained how this existence works as an equation, therefore  thinking "possitive" will inevitably have to create the opposite as "negativity" as a way to compensate creation. She understood it, and then she said how some stuff sounded like buddhism and asked if this was a religious thing – this group I was talking about. I explained how it had to do with no religion, no philosophy but common sense on how this world works and how us humans create this reality and how we’re able to stop and change. She was quite amazed by this and thought I had studies in psychology or something like that, but I explained I didn’t, that I had learned all from this website and group in SA.

She eventually asked how did it work, so I said "well even if this might sound a bit weird to you, this comes from a girl that it’s an interdimensional portal and shares this information. There are over a 1000 videos on youtube on the topic now’ and she said ‘oh darling, I’m a philosopher, nothing really amazes me anymore’ and so I ended up giving her my full name, telephone, email, Desteni’s website and so she seemed quite interesting. She said, ‘you never know why these casual meetings happen’. She seems quite well positioned in an intellectual circle here… and I enjoyed the fact that I could speak of this things just like that, getting to the bottom of it in a matter of minutes. It was nice seeing how, as we were discussing this, some people around got a bit dis-eased by overhearing our conversations on how we humans fuck up this world by our individual participation. It was quite cool and as we both looked into our eyes it’s as if we could see that we were connecting about it all in the moment. She looked at me in such a peculiar way, lol. Anyways she said she’ll contact me and check out this desteni site and maybe invite me over a ‘philosopher’s circle’ to discuss stuff. lol oh well whatever comes out. I told my mother ‘pff see, it’s done, I’m able to communicate with no problem at all with these kind of people: foreigners!’ Because oh dear, people here are so closed minded, fuck. Well she was quite amazed by what we were doing, explained that she could even go one day to SA herself to get the farm experience as soon they will have these holiday-plans for people wanting to go fencing and getting human assistance. Yep, was cool meeting her.

THen spent long hours trying to figure out how to pay the ticket and my mother eventually came out with a solution and I still have to gather the money. I’ll have to do something as selling paintings or whatever to pay for that, I have to move myself that’s for sure.
I got invited by this guy V. out but I realized that the last time I went out with him and he confessed that he was ‘interested in me’ I really saw that then we weren’t ‘spending time’ just as a matter of sharing ourselves as I had thought (yes, naïve me) , but that there was this specific interest coming from him even though he knows I’m not interested at all. So I saw no point in going out and spending some time talking on the same over and over again. So I didn’t  accept that and moved on. He fears rejection as he’s always been like that but, he knows already how I am directing myself within this and that If I accepted ‘going out’ was merely to speak and share ourselves though he wasn’t willing to give up his ideas of himself as who he is to try and take the mask of and get into ‘deeper’ shit to talk about. So eventually not even ‘sharing a moment’ is cool anymore.

I went downtown to visit my friend Y. and he was quite exhilarated with his ideas of what to do, he’s quite an art enthusiast and he’s getting quite recognized by ‘important people’ here, lol even though he gets out of his own rails at times I enjoy seeing how he deals now with his life. ALl the talks we had on self honesty and doing what’s best for all and not supporting egos anymore (he works with highly regarded intellectuals here) are now beggining to give some fruits as he’s gaining some streghth of his own to not allow him being subdued by another anymore in any kind of situation. Listenign to him speak of self honesty and living words and facing ourselves is cool.  Quite a change to see this, he’s daring to be and do things out of his previously own settled limits.

We went to see this book presentation of a mexican painter which was quite cool because once again, there’s this affable guy speaking of his work not wanting to be merely ego recognized – not even his name appears in the cover or back of this book – yet these theorists and people trying to "understand" his work and creating theories and making conjectures  that supposedly had lead him to do this or that. Pff, I could see how the artist man only rubbed his face as an expression of ‘oh I’m tired of this’ –  it’s cool, it’s as if I knew when an artists is being honest with himself and when they’re not, when they’re merely looking to be praised and recognized as a name and when they are merely trying to create in means of art iself as a way to embrace humanity as themselves.

Afterwards while we wered drinking some glasses of wine within the same museum context, my friend introduced me this woman that is quite another intellectual and she asked my perspective on this guy’s work and I gave it and I don’t know how we lead the conversation to being HONEST and what was surprising to me is her declaring that she thinks that no one is honest (which is quite true at the moment) but her logic came as "IF I see everyone around me is not being honest with themselves, THEN why should I? and from her speaking in these terms I really expressed myself questioning her opinions about this until getting to the core. She got a bit deffensive at first until she finally understood that she had been understanding honesty as a non existent word in the practical world, and so I explained how she has already got the word/concept Honesty dity and so that it was about words being purifyied so we can establish ourselves living words. Pff! was such a suprise to me finding people that are so cynical with regards to how they guide their lives and buying other’s lies to ‘get along’ within a certain circle or world. As I explained her what I was trying to say – along with my friend Y. – she ended up saying ‘are you a buddhist or something like that?, because it sounds like it’ And so I laughed because it was the second time in a single day I had been asked this, lol. So I said that it wasn’t about religions or philosphies or misticism, but about self direction in terms of who we really are. She said ‘well how can you be so sure who you really are?’ I said, Life! as ‘simple as that!, I’m breathing, I’m here, the opinions, ideas, beliefs of myself aren’t real, they limit and bound me to an individualized idea, it all starts with considering everyone as you as me, one and equal as Life. She seemed a bit ‘turned over’ by this, she certainly didn’t expect this, It was time to go and she and her partner (who had been one of the theorists introducing this artist and his book in such revolving ways) invited me and my friend to go get ‘some beers’ at some pub. My friend did go but I realized that I didn’t want to and had nothing else to say or discuss with them, so I came home.

The only thing that is cool is when you are able to share what I’m experiencing at the moment, what I’m realizing to unknown people that make them certainly open their eyes to something else in one moment. And I’m glad my friend’s ‘getting it’ more and more everytime. Sure he says he’s not ‘yet there’ completely but he’s walking his own facing and that’s cool. Each one at their own pace.

Came home and my parents and sister with her bf were watching my other sister’s wedding video. I laughed a lot with all the stuff that goes in there and they kept complaining of me laughing of things that were supposed to be ‘sentimental’ and ‘deep’ lol. Oh well can’t avoid the laugh when it comes.

The ‘crisis’ is everywhere, you turn on radio, overhear people speaking, adds in the street, all about crisis. Fuck ! Though we know that whatever it takes we have to go through this. This is IT.

I just had a conversation with my parents with them being unease at the moment with me going ‘that far’ and so on without knowing exact details as address and phone numbers and whatnot so it’s brought up many points because I went hectic about them being so fearful if something happens to me and me being so ‘far away’ etc. Ok I wasn’t understanding them from their own experience and the level they are currently working from as for example, my father not being fully aware of what is it that I do within Desteni, etc. so it’s ok. I already contacted L’s mom so she is able to explain in spanish some of it to my parents, they are quite calm about it at the moment. So ok, this is what I’m walking through at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into complete aggresive and defensive mode while being questioned by my parents with regards to where is it that I’m going to be at while being in SA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get in such hectic reaction because of parents being concerned about where I will be going to and where I will be staying while being there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustration because of my father not being interested in what I’ve been into for over a year now as applying self forgiveness and what Desteni is about, not realizing that it’s not about him knowing but about me doing this for myself and anyone else.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe through the manifestation of past patterns within me as getting angry and frustrated when parents are fearful and creating fears as ideas of ‘what ifs’ that seem far fetched to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge others’ ideas and perspectives instead of stopping judgment and speaking myself in common sense in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a loop of reacting whenever I listen to anyone speaking bullshit defending their ego, personality and opinions of themselves and life without considering themselves as one and equal to all, because they are also me. I embrace me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a hard veneer as not being able to be easily confronted with ideas and opinions coming from other people, instead of unconditionally listening and then speaking myself in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell whenever I want to be heard and understood, instead of remaining in and as breath without going into the same old patterns of me reacting in anger and frustration when being asked too many questions.

Ok watched two movies today and then decided to seek for some old pics in my files and so I ended up seeing my past in pics and remembered loads of things. IT’s cool that there aren’t any feelings or reactions towards specific people in my past, though it’s mostly a reaction seeing ‘who I was’ how I looked a couple of years ago, what I experienced and how was my life being ‘decided’ at that time. Seeking, hiding in relationships, being high… I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame of how I see myself in pictures taken in the past when I wouldn’t be considering myself but being hiding from actually facing myself as who i really am.

Well thanks

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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