Well I’ve been mostly working with all files and pictures of the stuff I’ve made as paintings, drawings, sketches, photos, etc. Somehow it’s as if I realize that I ditched everything and all a year ago. Lost ‘important’ relationships with people that were supporting me in the art world just when I was getting to have a ‘name’ around some circles… and I don’t regret that at all yet for now I’ll try to get things in order with regards to what I’m currently studying and doing. So I’ve been seeing the stuff I used to make and it’s cool finding things that remain within the stuff I try to depict in any kind of art work such as life itself, that’s cool.
My parents and family are now paying more attention in seeing where is it that I will be going, lol, now they do care to watch some videos of the farm and I see fears existing in my mother yet I haven’t completely stopped complaining on them being fearful and fearing that something might happen to me etc, not about people now but ‘not falling off a horse’ or ‘not riding a horse’ and diseases and whatnot, broken communication lol. I bet this trip will also be part of their process, letting go of the idea of me as their ‘little girl’ and so their ‘little girl’ will be going to see herself within a different context, one she’s never been into and that will be cool. I see that my mother gets a bit sad when she thinks of me going more than 2 months, lol, well that’s the way life is.
I also felt like playing guitar, it was weird but I actually spent quite some time playing and I realize how much I had suppressed myself with playing because of my friend A. who plays guitar and therefore, I – stupidly – felt his ‘huge shadow’ over me. I denied myself as being capable of getting to be ‘as good as him’ and so I decided to leave music aside and mainly believe that ‘my thing’ was taking pictures and painting and all that stuff. So now that I’m playing and letting myself express – as N said once, we are able to express ourselves with anything – it was cool, liberating in a way now that I don’t disregard my expression and comparing it to someone else’s and judging myself as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ at playing guitar. So that’s cool. Also seeing the stuff I created I realize that I could’ve done more If I hadn’t spent all that time with others, being there for others instead of being here as myself and doing my thing. But no regrets, I’m seeing this now and it’s cool. I am probably getting to enjoy myself completely, being alone, doing my stuff, not needing an idea of going out with someone or spending time with someone etc. That’s cool.
ON friday I went to buy some materials downtown and I enjoyed just walking in the streets, not having to rush to go meet someone and be waiting for someone etc. I only spent some time with my friend Y merely sitting on a bench and him talking how he’s feeling much more stable within himself after his tortured relationships with this guy that is clearly wanting to push his buttons. It’s cool, he’s now seeing that all the stuff I probably said to him months and months ago, he’s now living and applying that.
I see myself as stable at the moment, I see others being in such turmoil that I wonder if I am really seeing myself or denying my experience.. but no… honestly I’m ok at the moment, walking along and I guess the conflict we’re all living as one will only end when we stop being in conflict and turmoil inside, that’s the real stopping.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever compare my self expression to that of another’s in any way whatsoever
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could never be ‘as good as’ A’s guitar playing so I should give it up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be limited by my own ideas and perceptions towards myself in expression while comparing it to that of another’s, existing in self judgment and within so belittling myself in thinking that I can’t do ‘good enough’
Here it is, the first song for the jamm oh, I had fun
I’ll be going to see radiohead live today, yahoo! lol