In its right place

Confrontation is the word that pops up in my head as I am here to write about my day yesterday and today.
I had family meeting, was one of my cousin’s bday and there was this couple of my aunt’s friends who met me as being the ‘intellectual/literate’ girl that was studying in the university where they teach and so I finally talked with them. Happens this man saw my name in one art thing in colombia and felt cool about me being already ‘escalating’ fast enough into the art world. He asked if I had been participating in more shows yet I explained that my ‘purpose’ was more within an organization with people around the world based on equality and oneness, getting in contact with other artists that have the same starting point and so, from there, seeing what we can do. This couple is the usual kind of leftist-intellectuals and so they were kind of interested yet they think I will ‘represent mexico’ in a way of being ‘of my culture’ and having all that historic background etc… pff yes I’ve been also fucking around too much with being of ‘my culture’ and identifying how I define myself as part of my culture even though I would usually feel an outsider – yes even by the fact that I do not eat chili – and ever since I was a little girl and got to meet people from other countries – specially germans – I felt completely drawn to a lifestyle like that were everything was ‘correct’ and ‘calculated’ and ‘in order’ and mostly clean, I thought of myself as being happy in a country where everything’s ‘in its right place’ so to speak. And in case you reader don’t know, mexico isn’t like that at all. It’s the land of corruption, where no one will give a hand on to the other before biting its tail, where everything’s done half way, where conformism is the way of life as we live in a never ending "progress" into "becoming" something better than we are now which is 3rd world country. And this has probably affected ourselves in a massive escale. Yes it begins with stuff that happened in history and from there, everything went downspiral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being mexican

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defining myself according to ‘who I am’ as being part of a 3rd world country and limiting myself through this as a starting point of life quality within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a mexican to feel ‘less than’ others from first world countries because of not being able to become a ‘first world country’ and seem to be forever walking towards a ‘progress’ that never really comes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having felt the need to identify myself as being a mexican and wanting to appear as ‘representative’ of my history and country as ‘who I am’ as being part of a certain culture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desired being part of another culture but this one, because of considering myself ‘too correct’ to be mexican.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having desired being german and living in germany because of how life is strict and ‘transparent’ there, not realizing that everywhere in this world is the same within human nature, only pictures change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel subdued by first world countries as a mexican, feeling, thinking and perceiving that we can ‘never be as good as’ and being comparing ourselves to people from first world countries

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to incorporate self defeat as being a mexican as part of who i am, being used to others being on top of ourselves and existing in the ‘never ending’ reach to be on top

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mexicans as people that want to be and act as first world countryy people yet, not living within one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow definitions of ‘first world country’ and ‘third world country’ to be a limitation in separation of who I am and allowing me to be defined by an economic system that rules over nations, that defines them as being rich or poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having wished not being from this country because of being ashamed of what mexicans do and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for existing within a continuous ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’ towards mexico and some of its people’ as part of a culture that is mediocre and corrupt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as part of  population that lives in a country defined and limited by man’s own  thought of this world in separation of who we really are as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a foreigner in the place I live in, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alienate myself from my own environment ever since I was a little girl, desiring to be ‘from somewhere else’ because of not wanting to be part of this culture as the mexican one, because of all the corruption, mediocre lifestyle that I became aware of and saw around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever wanting to be part of a ‘different culture’ such as the german one because of considering them to be correct, polite, strict and self directive people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others according to cultures and languages

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been existing within definitions of ‘who I am’ as a ‘mexican woman’ within this country.


And so this experience opened up these points within me and I thought to myself that probably months ago I would still be wondering and being careful of creating the ‘right impression’ within people I though ‘mattered’ as those in the intellectual realms here. And this is the stepping forth of staying true to myself, to what I’m doing at the moment without even having to go into unnecessary details.

My sister complains that I do not care that m uch about her and our ‘familiarity’ because i won’t be able to attend her engagement dinner on saturday, because I’ll be having another concert. So it was kind of weird that someone gives so much weight into these ocassions yet they get it now, i am not interested or dying to attend anything that places such kind of importance asfa

I went to see Radiohead live yesterday, man it was very cool. I realized that many songs I used to listen while beginning to paint so yeah, memories came up of opening eyes while listening to radiohead’s ok computer, understanding society and capitalism and jobs that slowly kill you. lol. I had a great time going by myself and not having to be waiting around for someone, I danced and yelled and jumped like a crazy. The only turn off I had was this drunkster that was behind me for a couple of minutes yet within such moment he spilt his glass of beer on my back and I got so pissed off because of myself allowing me to be irritated by such act when he clearly was completely drunk or high – either of those or both – so I stopped and breathe through it until all was calm again within myself which took a while because I really got pissed off that he’d spilt that beer on my back as it was kind of cold and I didnt’ have thick clothes.
At the end of concert I stood still by the bus we were riding and saw hundreds and hundreds of people passing by for more than 20 minutes.. pff I always get the same thoughts: all these people eat, shit, have sex, shower, transport themselves… etc. Overwhelming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by masses of people, worrying about all that we need as resources form the earth to achieve daily activities. Lol, I just got this video matti sent about this pool in tokyo packed with people, yes this is the kind of feeling I get. DIsgust actually and when i wrote confrontation at the beginning of this entry has to do with this general disgust towards humanity for all that we’ve done and continue doing to this world as ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel merely as an ‘observer’ within this, without realizin that I am part of everyone, that I am them as one, therefore I stop the judgment. Becaause it’s me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted by seeing masses of people together in one pool because of i looking like a dirty place to be in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always get overwhelmed by the thought of all people existing in the world having to survive by eating, having to shit/pee, shower, buy and work to get along this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by human nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the physical as something ‘dirty’

I read something in one of the books I have to read for school where it said that the maturity of awareness was reached when realizing that there was this ‘error’ within existence and creation, from this starting point realizing that one is able to ease down the effects of such anomaly existent within the system but never be able to completely erradicate it which I found cool because then it’s taking self responsibility and realizing what we’re doing.

And today confrontation once again with ideas of teacher and classmates at school. I didn’t participate in the discussion yet I came here tired of listeing to the same shit over and over again.

ok to be continued on my experience, have to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire becoming someone/something else outside of this society i live in currently.

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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