Another ‘a year ago’ post.
A year ago I had been barely two days in PF discussing with guys in chat about weed smoking, was quite surprised how many talked about years of smoking and somehow those two days when I got into the forum and reading all the stuff there with people getting quite serious about it, made me realize that I had to stop smoking weed. I just wasn’t able to cope with me getting REAL about myself while still smoking, that was complete dishonest and so, after having fought against myself to actually decide quitting, I did, a year ago. And I haven’t smoked not even a bit since then, lol. So bizarre this is happening.
It is bizarre as well because a year ago I opened up the MarlenLife youtube account, not using my last name because I thought I had to let go of my last names as being ‘the daughter of’ as names we get as ‘last names’ so, Life as a commitment of myself to that. And so a year ago was the major change within my life. That was the day I decided I would stop smoking pot, I would stop seeing my ‘friend’/man in my life that had kept me bound to the idea of myself and basically,was the real beginning of my process, the time of real stopping. I stopped smoking, stopped having sex, stopped music, stopped creating any drawings or art, stopped taking pictures, stopped watching any tv, stopped talking that much, stopped wearing make up and I dedicated myself to read all material available – well most of – and since then it has obviously been quite a journey indeed. And what a coincidence today I’m opening up this account for DesteniEspañol which is and will be the channel to publish videos in spanish, I don’t know why I waited so long, probably was waiting for them to ask me to do so without taking the iniciative by myself. So yeah, there’s a lot to translate indeed. But it’s funny how a year later I’m opening yet another account, this time to get the message to more people speaking ‘my language’ – Español – we were conquered yes. lol
Attention on breathing is going better, somehow it’s becoming my real way of stopping any reaction that might come up, specially when that old anxiety wants to kick in again… or certain revolving thoughts I get through the day, actually begining to enjoy the actual moment of breath as that air going inside and outside, lol, I know it has taken me a long time to get to this but I was so infatuated with my mind and speaking with myself as a real schizo that it was and has been a bit hard to stop that.
Basically what I want to say is that in the end it wasn’t hard to give up smoking pot because after knowing what I had been doing i couldn’t hide from myself anymore, I had to stand and give up that which had kept me in the ‘sweet realms of life’ for over a year, I had to dismantle the bomb I was creating and I am quite thankful that I found desteni right on time. Fuck knows where I would be or what I would be doing at the moment if I hadn’t stopped by finding them… I can only imagine and I better not say it because I’m simply glad it isn’t here as me.
Seems I feared responsibility with taking the iniciative to create a channel in youtube to publish desteni material yet, I had to and I’m glad I did it, it’s only the beginning.