Unpleasant Mirrors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having established ‘friendship relationships’ based on self interest according to an opinion I had of myself which I lived and experienced as myself in the past  – it isn’t who I am Here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my friendship choices in the past based on who I wanted to be as becoming someone ‘different’ than most of people, which indicates the forming of a personality as a program of myself to feel ‘special’ and ‘unique’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created friendships that existed within a purpose of wanting to be praised by others that I didn’t even know well, yet felt ‘good’ to be considered as ‘cool’ by such people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise beings that ooze Ego System, that reek of self interest and are despot towards others thinking they ‘know better’ not realizing that this is reflecting back to me in a certain way, that’s why it bothers me and so

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being ‘better’ and ‘knowing better’ than others, seeing over my shoulder towards others that I deemed as stupid, slow and passive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be vexed by others acting as if they are the coolest thing alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to damn the time that I accepted to have a ‘friendship’ with someone like V who is someone that was merely guided to feed his own ego as ‘being friends with me’ and show off that fact around

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be a show off at times, wanting to be cool and present myself as someone that is ‘superior’ than others with regards to a certain kind of attitude and knowledge and information that made me ‘special’ according to values placed by society

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to despise a being that feels he’s ‘too much’ for anything of this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ever think that this world ‘didn’t deserve me’ oh fuck, lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a feeling of not wanting ever to see again someone like V as ‘friend’ as a ‘choice of relationship’ I made because I am ashamed of the ‘frienship’ I created with him  – though it never really was friendship but an utter mindfuck based on ideas, beliefs and Perceptions that I had of him

It’s interesting, once you let go of the OPINION of someone and Self INterest is gone, they become just another one- yet within this I am going into polarity from actually having liked the company of this guy to now the opposite as despising his very presence and it’s just something within all he does, feeling such a ‘hard man’ and thinking he’s the ultimate cool and hot man in this earth, lol! I mean yeah lol I had to face this point becasue he was a HUGE mindfuck within my life for quite some time as he had introduced me to cool stuff as music and books etc so he seemed someone ‘important’ in my life. I’ve mentioned how I had seen this man and he’d revealed feelings towards me lol which I merely just stopped because it’s only a mindfuck really, though it seems that I’m merely going through what I created as expectations and illusions of myself in the past towards him. THere’s no way out, I have to walk through this and stop the actual despise I feel at this moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now despise V because of his mere attitude and presence when he’s around me and amongst other man, not realizing that he plays this role because he feels intimidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the very image of him touching his long hair and thinking he’s the coolest man on earth LOL oh fuck..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such hate/disgust towards someone, not realizing that he is ALSO myself and within this I am merely judging myself.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to ever having had ideas towards him as being ‘such a cool being’ never realizing and seeing who he really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the moment I actually agreed on becoming ‘friends’ with him, not knowing who he really was but went along because of the perception and idea I formed of himself in my mind – which is NOT fucking real at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret each and every single ‘bond’ I created with someone based on a perception and opinion of myself around them, being with them to gain assurance of myself as being ‘someone different to most of people with special tastes’ because within this I wanted to be recognized as a personality, as an opinion and idea of myself which I am NOT in anyway whatsoever. Life isn’t an opinion, LIFE isn’t a fucking IDEA

SO yeah some context on this.

I stood this weekend here in mexico city because I went to a concert last night and this ‘friend’ V said he was coming and if I could stay over at my house because he and his friend had nowhere to go. I agreed because I felt resistance, yet they also were a company for me to come come late at night after concert was over. So I arrived to the concert place and see them and I immediately felt this repulsion, don’t know why, can’t explain, it was even his birthday yesterday and didn’t felt at all like giving a hug not at all, lol. Well The deal is that they didnt’ have tickets so I said I would go in and they would wait to get some, and he kissed goodbye (as it is usual here ) but he held my arm in such a way that it felt so fucking possesive, I felt completely abused just by that move, it sucked!!!! yikes,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by the fact of V holding my arm hard enough because I felt it as him being possessive over myself which is a fucking delusion of all kinds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused just by that simple move of him holding my arm with such force in sense of being tyrant and possessive

And then I felt fucking ‘watched after’ when they finally got in and just when I go to the bathroom I heard him yelling yet I didn’t turn, but it seems he spotted me later on and in a moment just when I turn my head and see who’s behind me, there he is and I felt really harassed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having felt harassed by someone standing behind me because of his mere purpose of being ‘near by me’ which bothers me

And so I did my best to get myself into the crowd and up to the front so I didn’t have him standing on my back again, I guess he thought this was something ‘mean’ I did but no, I don’t enjoy that kind of company at all, imposed company. ANyways I enjoyed Mike Patton a lot, lol he is one of my favorite singers and I enjoyed the whole show yet, from the radiohead concert and this one I’ve noticed that I don’t charge up the emotions and feelings as before while seeing an ‘artist on stage’ as someone that is ‘more than me’ and that I almost adore. I mean, I can say that I have been attracted to Mike Patton for a loong time but somehow seeing him few meters away from me didn’t cause any reaction so that was cool, only enjoyment when I saw he was clearly also enjoying himself ‘singing’ shouting, jumping, lol – anyways, the deal is that such ‘old time’ concert experience where I would tear myself out with all these adrenaline within isn’t here anymore. Yeah I danced and so on but I was kind of surprised how I remained quite stable within myself – yet still enjoying the moment.

And so later on I came home with these two guys… I guess what vexed V was that I began speaking more with his friend on music and sharing music to each other and he felt left out and it was kind of lame that he drank less than a cup of wine – which I had offered due to his ‘bday’ and he was already kind of moved. lol. oh ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone as lame for getting drunk or dizzy easily

hey that rhymed!

So after all this experience of the night of him wanting to STILL fucking play a role of ‘the player’ with me, I know that in the past I would’ve been quite rude with him but I wasn’t. I shared what I have here and gave them some stuff they could sleep upon yet I wouldn’t have been honest to give him any more attentions than the necessary ones… didn’t feel like it at all. They are still sleeping as I write and

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable by the fact that there is people here because I want to be all alone

Oh yes, enjoying myself being alone very much here, it’s been quite cool and it’s funny because I read in forum that the family ties have been removed and it was perfect timing as being the first weekend in such a long time that I don’t go home. My mother was acting all chidish like ‘oh you could’ve been here in your sister’s engagement party!’ lol, yeah I ditched the family compromises to enjoy a concert and that kind of ‘hurt’ my family lol, oh well.

ON friday I worked and worked in workshop and it was cool because next to me there sat a guy that I had judged as the typical artist that comes from exchange but I don’t know where he was from… later on someone told me he was from Colombia and so I began asking where he was from and then we ended up talking about me having been there and people, he knows some people I met from his same national art school and so I said: it’s a small world. But then felt kind of ashamed because I couldn’t remember names of people I met there, he was surprised I hadn’t gotten their names or emails or phone numbers or anything, and I couldn’t remember many things from there, and I felt ashamed though later on I realized that I simply had taken the beingness with those people as part of the moment therefore, I didn’t have to get their contacts to keep in touch with them after that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed for not having requested names and emails of people that were kidn to me while being there, not realizing that I actually did it on purpose to not get any attachments to a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when not remembering names of people because it apparently offends others because they consider that I didn’t ‘care that much’ to even learn their names which is merely a system way of creating relationships and attachments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself being identified as ‘an artist’ that went there to see other ‘artists’ and so on.. because I do not want to be identified as ‘only being an artist’ and doing ‘art’ as ‘taking photos’  – I am a human being, i am life and within that I am all.

Pfff so limited is our perception towards someone or something, identifying it, classifying it, tagging, linking to others by certain ideas, beliefs and perceptions. Yet I do see that I am erasing unecessary information as names and events, ouch weird
and my right leg just twitched. Yeah relationships of the past are dissolving – "hopefully" and each time it feels more ME back to ME without the idea of me being linked to this and that…. each time closer to what it is merely to BE

As I shared in PF breathing is the support for ourselves to actually stop any recurrent thoughts and ideas, stabilizing myself as the breath to bring me back here. Yeah I know, we KNOW this but acting it out is another story.

Oh well.

At the moment I have been working on the desteni channel in Español which I had been kind of procrastinating because of fear taking the responsibility for that, but I know I had commited myself before to do this, probably from the moment I stepped into the forum and my first post was the spanish translation of FAQ lol, and I had said to myself that It would be a cool thing to take the ‘spanish division’ of desteni in a way, so I push through fears of taking responsibility. I am able to do this, I am capable of taking responsibilities even though they seem ‘too much’ for myself.

ok thanks and I stop!

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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