Ok, I’ve been a bit occupied at the moment mostly transcribing and translating subtitles for videos… amazing how videos related on sex get like a thousand views in just few days, we all know how ‘revealing’ that is.
I’m kind of sick at the moment, have a flu that I’ve held back a bit with some meds – which have kept me falling asleep earlier, that’s why I hadn’t written here – and it’s not cool, but there’s nothing else to do so I rather embrace the sickness – lol this post is called ‘influence’ and I’m kind of resisting a FLU so I’m InFLUenced in a way.
There hasn’t been any relevant points coming up other than stuff related to ‘who I am’ within the context of school and amongst mates there.
See, I don’t know why but it seems as if everywhere I ‘get into’ I create a ‘stir’ around me and please, I’m not trying to boast myself up here, nope. But I’m being quite honest because this has been a constant within my life. People tend to ‘like me’ and lol it’s ridiculous I’m talking about this but it seems as If I am able to influence people around me – of course this at the moment is happening without me ‘desiring’ to do so – yet it Is happening. It’s as if I am a ‘popular’ person even though I’m not wanting to be so anyways. It’s funny because even people that seem not affable and that don’t like most of people, approach me and talk with me and it’s just odd because it’s not like I’m even ‘seeking’ to create contact with others, it just happens. Of course I participate – otherwise no contact would be made – but they are even ‘casual’ contacts which have showed me how it is also cool to open up to others and see their perspectives, what their life is about because hey, they are also myself.
But the specific situation is for example in my workshop where I am currently getting more experimental with techniques, people is seeing how I create stuff, and so they express how they like that and now want to start taking some of those resources as well – I create some reaction within though I say, cool they are getting off their boundaries – like there’s this one guy that says ‘please now, do something that I DON’T like!" and it’s strange because it has brought up so many fucking points within me, as how I’ve always – throughout my life – been so fucking used to that, being used to people liking me,accepting me, even foolishly ‘idolizing me’ – like there have been many many people that have expressed to myself how they wished and desired they could ‘be like me’. pff! I had forgotten this and that’s why I built up this ‘humble’ mask and always said : "oh no, don’t say that, what I am capable of ‘doing/being’ you are also capable of !" and got so many recognitions and stuff within the school context primarily, that I even got sick of it. Tried to get ‘rid of it’ but it continued as I wasn’t merely going to then flunk all my subjects and exams only to not be recognized and valued as an ‘a’ student. But it seriously goes beyond the school grades.
The few ‘real’ friends I’ve had within my life have all been these kind of ‘ermits’ that dont’ like most of people or even got to ‘hate’ most of people, though they liked me and were completely ‘nice’ to me. And this happens currently in the workshop and other classes with some people that seem to dislike and judge others – or are just merely ‘picky’ with people – though they just get around my place and talk to me, lol. Fucking strange, it is as if there was this magnet thing where everyone is kind of taking notice of what I’m doing and stuff…. and it’s an ambivalent thing because at some point I used to get completely annoyed by this, but then, also got so used to that ‘attention’ that I don’t know how I would react if I didn’t get it at all. Cool test that would be. I’m not actually feeding this attention, I am merely doing my thing at the moment, that’s how it always has been anyways.
Last year – first months of process – it was around these months as well – I locked myself in so much that I barely had contact and seriously stopped talking to others but it really didn’t have an effect of people not wanting to talk to me anymore, it was all the same. And I’ve explained before how i would sometimes ‘look for’ these kind of relationships as talking with people and trying to get along, but now it just happens, I’m not looking for that, it sort of comes to me in a way. So the reason why I’m writing this is because I’m certainly not ‘clear’ about this situation because of the whole expectation thing that people build – and always have built – around me. Almost placing their own expectations on myself in a way like ‘oh you are capable of doing it all!, I am not!’ and so I dislike the fact that people compare themselves to me as them feeling inferior to myself in any way, and no matter how I have always responded to that trying to make them see that "HEY if I am capable of doing this, then so are you!" – but they just simply numb themselves and I know that it’s not like I have to now uplift their egos or self esteem, I cannot do that, but it is simply a bit uncomfortable having to face this when realizing: fuck, I’m not this ‘perfect thing’ and I don’t do ‘everything right’ and I’m not ‘the best’ and shit like that, anyone is able to do that if they just get hands on work.
At least I’ve kind of transcended that fear that lurked around my life of people being jealous about me ‘being recognized’ – now it’s merely about these people that are placing me in such a concept of ‘who I am’ as being almost like a ‘role model’ yeah I’ve explained the role model deal befire here. It goes from other mates now being involved with tecniques I am using, to stuff I make to the ‘haircut’ I wear, lol, insane. So at the moment I saw old patterns of me wanting to be unique and the only one using this or that tecnique but I see that this is merely a way to embrace myself as everyone else and STOP trying to have this or that as ‘mine’ and only ‘mine’ in means of being ‘original’ and ‘one of a kind’, this I fully accept. The one thing that I cannot understand is people liking me and being nice to me even if I am not necessarily being nice to them or wanting to be friends. Weird but I’ll stop myself from actually falling ‘back’ into being the deposit of their expectations and within so, re-building the idea of myself as ‘who I have to be’ within my context because of what other’s ideas and perceptions on me are. I remain one and equal, neutral –
Another point is that I feel as If I’m not taking full advantage of school and the contacts there because I got so unplugged of it all because of realizing stuff because of Desteni and getting off from everything else around me concerning my career – as getting exhibitions and showing work and getting contacts – that I see others at times, mates from first year there and they are already creating exhibitions and doing this and that and I felt like – oh fuck, I haven’t done any of that lately – though it comes and goes because I realize: well that is merely for personal propaganda related to ‘who I am’ within this art context and at the moment what is most valuable is process and life and realization and sharing this and yeah, this is what I find is most important at the moment. We’ll see later on, I have to yet discuss within myself this situation I am within with regards to the career.
So yeah, this is about it. What is cool is that in between some of those ‘casual’ conversations or participation in school I am able to express common sense points that make people open up a bit to see beyond what everyone already knows, so that’s ok.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in any way as wanting to remain being ‘the only one’ that uses this or that technique as to be ‘original’ and ‘unique’ instead of being open and realizing that within this I am wanting to ‘keep’ myself as the idea of who I have been throughout my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still resist the idea of giving away myself as that desire, want and need to be ‘original’ to be ‘one of a kind’ and to be ‘different’ to others because I have always existed within the idea of building myself as being someone uncommon and ‘one of a kind’ – which is merely a personality delusion
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ and ‘awkward’ when people tend to compare themselves to myself in means of pondering myself as being ‘better or more’ than themselves, which merely makes me feel as having a ‘duty’ to now act upon their beliefs, ideas, perceptions and opinions on myself as expectations to now be the person they think I am
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not bout what others may think, believe, perceive and create opinons about, but who I am withinsuch comments on myself. I am not defined by any opinion, belief, idea or perception anyone may have on me according to ‘who i am’ as marlen, as a mind system that was posibly programmed as this someone that gets things done accurate enough to make some desire being that as well
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever identify myself with such opinions as being a ‘role model’ for people because of themselves expressing their desires to be just like me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to always feel the obligation of ‘doing things right’ as part of my innate nature, as part of something that I cannot and shouldn’t change just because it’s who I am
This is somewhat confusing because common sense is what’s best for all and within what I do at the moment within my life, If I encourage others to work and be responsible and stuff well then I don’t see anything wrong within that, maybe this ‘inffluence’ I was speaking about in the beginning of this post has to do with that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having felt special when realizing that I’ve always been used to recognition and praising by others due to what I do and who I am within my world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to sometimes feel ‘too much duty’ because of how people place their expectations on myself, not realizing that it’s not about them but about myselfl and how I react when being placed within such ‘idea’ and ‘perception’ of myself as ‘who I am’ currently within my world.
There’s no expectations to fulfill not for myself not for anybody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still think that I am someone ‘special’ and have a ‘curious magnetism’ towards others because that’s the only way I can explain such attraction towards people into getting to know me and communicate with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling again in the construct of ‘who I am ‘ as this kind of ‘popular’ someone within my world even though I’m not seeking to be that, instead of realizing that I am able to be tagged, defined and judged by others in any way whatsoever though, none of those considerations affect on who I really am realizing that I am not any thought, idea, belief and opinions others may have on myself, I do not accept and allow myself to now trust anyone’s perspective on myself. I trust myself here, I am who I am as all as one and equal beyond any personality as ego of the mind.
The idea of who I am is not real, it fades away after time and so, I remain as who I really am no matter what.