frustration/anger/sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still react in extreme anger when I see any abuse done onto someone or something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hate and disgust towards other human beings when seeing how they don’t give a fuck about the world around them – ‘they’ are also myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ease my anger and compounded frustration of the day by cleaning up in the middle of the night, thinking that ‘I had to get that anger out in a non-harmful way’ which eventually lead me to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to curse another human being for being so fucking unconscious and having left the water of their tap running in the middle of the night just when we haven’t had that much water these days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in extreme sadness to the point of crying when seeing that a dog was harmed by another dog and couldn’t walk, getting sad because no one actually went to see what had happened to the dog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to -within going to see what had happened to the dog – having wanted to create ‘awareness’ within school, to make people SEE that the dog had a problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my own sadness thinking that I was feeling the dog’s pain the moment I touched his leg

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel such an idiot because of being ‘playing’ the game I’m playing as studying art and trying to see the ‘pretty side’ of a possible way of people ‘coming together’ in one idea of ‘we are all one’ – yet not really realizing what this actually entails at all levels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a general disgust feeling when seeing that humans don’t give a fuck about any other living creature when they are clearly suffering in front of their eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely fed up today with my preprogrammed life, attending to ‘art and science discussions’ where everything sounds fine while the world is just going mad right in front of our eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise unknown human beings whenever I see them littering on the street, harming animals, yelling and cursing at their children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘it’s been ‘too much’ for one single day to go through all this – not realizing that it is merely but my reduced individual perception of seeing how the world is working at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity dogs in the streets and worrying about them not having secure shelter and food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deeply desire that anyone that causes a harm or damage onto another expression of life, will get their ‘lesson’ because within this I am desiring vengeance from myself onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it was impossible for me to stop myself from becoming angry at this woman upstairs because of letting her water tap open, while others are lacking water around here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have the right to get mad and angry at these people for being so fucking unconscious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be writing self forgiveness as an outlet of the remains of the anger that I just experienced as a matter of compounded sadness and frustration throughout my day

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that it wasn’t about the water, but being sad, angry and frustrated by the actual state we’re all existing as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I’m merely experiencing a little taste of what is really going on in this world overall – therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak and thinking that if I’d see it all as dimensionals do, i wouldn’t be able to ‘handle it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the actual truth of this world in its entirety in one single moment – all the abuse done onto life – because I would explode out in anger and sadness and wouldn’t want to exist anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry out out frustration, out of anger towards other human beings because of refusing to see them as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced hate towards another for being so unconscious and leaving water run, not realizing that we are all ending with our resources equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being so fed up today with it all that I was able to ‘give it all up’ with regards to ‘who I am’ within my world at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it was inevitable for me to react while witnessing what I witnessed today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest towards myself by judging others for their ‘unconscious’ behavior, not realizing it’s me as well

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually feel ‘down’ today after realizing what role I’m playing at the moment while being at school and getting fed up with people I know and having to agree with them

Well I’m still kind of ill and it’s been uncomfortable because it hasn’t fully developed yet my throat hurts and I kind of sneeze at moments. I agreed to go to this conference where some family friends – actually a man that bought some of my etchings – was going to give a conference with regards to art and science and whatnot and overall I am kind of ‘fond’ towards them, but seeing the core of it all it’s just people quoting others, trying to disseminate the apparent fog that exists with regards to art and being considered as something ‘more’ than science and shit like that. I mean, really, lol, who the fuck cares about such ‘grand’ topics when there are others fighting for survival, eating mud to get by the day, getting raped, murdered, killed, having to prostitute themselves to have ways to sustain themselves, how does this matter in any way in a world where self interest is the king of the comedy within this fucking awful play we’re all being characters of? I felt just like that a fucking character. Even seeing people from my own school and this foreign student and they are all so ‘compromised’ with their career and giving it all for it – I know and I realize that I’m not and I wouldn’t. i used to think that I would sacrifice myself for art but no, I will only stand up for Life as All no matter what – and if art is able to fit into this, cool, if then, fuck it, it’s not going to make any difference anyways.

So It felt like shit because these family friends know some teachers that I literally ‘ditched’ at some point and decided not to study photography with them. Well now they see who those friends were talking about and so they probably know that I ditched them out because I didn’t like their classes and… well utlimately, who the fuck cares?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be caring about what anyone thinks or perceives about me within school and my development there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about myself at school because of not giving ‘it all’ for it as others are doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I would have to sacrifice everything and all to get ‘all I can get’ from school

Yes that has become quite a dilema within myself, thinking that I’m not getting all the benefits because I’m not that much into school anymore

Anyways… after I went out of this conference and as I was talking about ‘the art situation’ with this colombian guy, a dog just came by crying because another dog had bit him or hurt his leg and I saw him not being able to walk with that leg and so I said goodbye to this guy and just ran to caress his leg, first concerning about ‘the dog being too unclean to touch it’ I must admit – but I said, fuck marlen, what is wrong with you? and so I touched his leg gently and it seemed it hurt a lot by the expression he had and so i just dropped my stuff on the floor,sat in front of the dog and continued caressing him and his leg. People were around and they were just fucking mindbabbling not giving a fuck that the dog literally just laid on the floor not being able to move. I got sad thinkin what is wrong with everyone? and I wanted to create a kind of awareness within such act as being there with the dog, but eventually it all was on to me. I thought that I had become sad as feeling the dog’s sadness but I’m sad about myself and the environment I’m in. Like how are these people able to say that they even care about something if they see such thing and no one does anything!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that everyone thinks the same as I do as being ‘aware’ of what’s going on and being ‘concerned’ for other beings within our world

Well, fuck. I just felt like a fool having attended such conference then going out just to immediately see that this world’s nature is of curelty and harm on to another and it’s like a fucking contradiction because oh we think we’re so ‘elevated’ while talking about art and science and history and studies – while the most raw expression of life still exists in abuse and harm on to another … well the dog situation was merely something that detonated what has been going on around my head these days.

And then I just woke up at 12:00 am – I had gone to bed early – because of listening water falling from the department upstairs and it didn’t stop and I went and knocked at their door, heard no answer. I began slapping the tubes of water and on the celing and the water didn’t stop running – the context within this is that we’ve been short of water this week and it  is fucking unconscious someone leaving the tap open within such or any other conditions – and so I went upstairs to knock the door again, this time louder until this girl about my age opens the door and merely says ‘oh thanks, I’ve already closd the tap’ and I was like what the fuck! and I think I cursed at her, I mean I had been c ompounding so much anger while listening the water running and knocking the door the first time and then knocking on my ceileing and making all kinds of loud noises to make them stop… and so she just said that and I said how others were actually going out with buckets of water to get water and she was doing that and she just closed the door without saying anything else and so I went fucking mad inside me and cursed while going down the stairs and I entered my home and slapped the door very hard, and yeah, fuck, compounded anger and I think I shouted and I saw that I was possessed by this anger that I hadn’t experienced in a long time and eventually when realizing this I just began crying and actually pitying myself for having reacted in such a way and thinking that it’s so unfair these kind of people are able to even exist – not realizing they are me as well – well, in fact, I do realize this, I am VERY fucking aware of this, this is what makes me even sadder because what the fuck do I ‘have’ that they don’t have to be able to create any kind of cruelty or harm onto another… and i’m not only talking about the water dropper girl here… the dog and the water deal are merely but points that detonate bigger things that I see around me, like children crying because of being controlled by their crazy parents… agh it just sucks and being with this uncertain sickness makes it even more unpleasant.

anyways, I’ll try to sleep it’s about 3 in the morning here.

thanks for reading the rants today

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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