At this very moment I’m delighted by Chopin’s music contained in a very cool package I got today when getting home which just placed a big smile on my face to see stuff coming from a fellow ‘processor’ and – as I wrote him- seeing something physical out of our communication through the internet. This is very cool, now we’ve exchanged some art and I thank N for sharing his art – which I enjoy seeing at very much and his favorite classical music, compiling the whole set of cds with details and all- I am just plainly grateful at the moment. :)…
It was kind of weird coming back today, one part of me wanted to continue being alone and not getting the whole family thing again, but yeah i am here and experiencing that and it’s merely about getting used to it – It’s also a way to embrace myself more here because I tend to get to closed within myself and my process that I could easily lose contact with other beings who actually have grown along with me, and that’s members of family here.
Well I woke up feeling a bit confused about the anger I had experienced this very same day through the night and It seems that everytime I allow anger to get to such extent, it all then comes back as realizing that it wasn’t really me, that it didn’t feel like me yet, it was me charging up that experience and so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up anger within me
So yes, I realize that then now, more events will have to come up for me to now stand up and live my self forgiveness otherwise it would be useless, completely.
At the moment I just enjoyed watching Ashley Wood’s videos on herself with regards to finding Desteni, it’s very very cool to see people standing up and sharing their experiences, because I see myself in every one of them and I realize that back in the day when I began watching Desteni stuff, one of the most supportive things was to see people from the forum Vlogging about their experiences, that helped me realize: hey! there are others actually doing this, applying this and going through what you are now going through! – so I am grateful with everyone that has shared themselves this way. This was one of the main reasons why I barely hesitated when deciding to Vlog myself – first of all pushing through all of resistance to ‘broadcast me in the internet’ due to fears of doing so – but it was and has been a great experience as myself and seeing others sharing themselves. It has become kind of a trade quote saying "thanks for sharing" but everytime I say it, I truly mean it because I know it’s not that easy to record yourself within such huge realization as what self honesty implies. . . it takes courage and so that’s something I appreciate of everyone that has experienced this as well.
And it’s also cool seeing how former light workers are opening themselves to oneness and equality and disseminating the light and dark stuff like I just wrote to weatherman2012 on ‘how about being a LIFEworker’ and he dug the idea and it’s as if the whole Desteni message is really soaking everyone that is giving an ear to listen and that’s fucking cool really, why is it so? because it’s merely myself as everyone else actually giving attention and opening up to what’s here, what we must be and face now. That’s mainly it and yes, as we all say ‘no matter what it takes, we’ll get this done’ yeah! Within this really, one doesn’t feel ‘alone’ but all one, for sure.
It is basically amazing seeing every new face that ‘joins’ ourselves in seeing who we really are beyond our mind definitions, our egos, our ideas and perceptions, it THEN doesn’t seem so ‘hard’ to me and think that it is impossible to go through this process, each and every single one joining is someone that is resonating with Life – as Martijn said in one comment in the previous post, it’s people resonating with Desteni that see what Life is and how common sense is the only way – and this is something that really brings us all together – though not everyone is prepared for it at the moment and I agree that some events will have to step forth in order to everyone then realize all this.
In other topics, I attended to this art thing event today and well, there’s this ‘intellectual’ man that said he shared my photo blog with one ‘reknown’ artist here and that he’d liked the photos and the stuff I do and so, this intellectua man -who happens to be my friend’s Y ex-"boss" – whom I will call M – he said that this artist could be a cool support if i am willing to ever do something with regards to any art of resistence – he is quite into indigenous and popular movements within here and all…
oh my the music… 🙂
So the reactions I experienced while being told this by M were of fearing actually taking any responsibility as ‘wanting to do something’ with this or that artist or getting their support IF willing to do something within their context…. ehm yeah I fear like ‘stepping forth’ in a way and this comes from lack of self trust to myself and what I do as art, minimizing, belittling myself as thinking that anyone else is better than me or anyone else is willing to do that better than me… I don’t know it’s a bit confusing pin pointing why I actually get this fear reaction whenever someone talks about getting into projects and getting involved with certain artists or whatever. Yes self trust but at the same time it is because of not wanting to get involved in any ‘artistic party’ and marry an ideology. As I explained my parents while sharing this experience with them, to me who I am within this process is the most important thing in my life – as it is about LIFE itself nothing more and nothing less – and this process and ourselves standing up seems to be the most true thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, actually coming together within this and seeing/meeting people joining us – this is what I see myself stepping forth completely for, this is what resonates with what I have to do and what I will do everything and all to actually live what I now know – being one and equal and what it entails – and so maybe that’s why whenever it comes to myself as an artist it comes to a second place. First of all thinking that I’m not ‘pro’ enough yet and that being an artist has been an ego infatuation I had but see, it’s all a matter of defintions! Because as I explained my parents "if I can find a way to actually merge my process with art and a creative process that supports this, I will do it’ they merely say that I have to ‘earn life’ in a way – yes, monetarily speaking – which is understandable and so I know that I will have to direct myself within this and finally stop the separation I -myself -am creating with regards to this, as if I was caught between process and giving up all ego of themind and me as an "artist"’ which seems so odd to even utter those words with regards to myself.
Nothing is a mere casualty, i realize that each experience and event is a key to see what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be, yet I’m still uncertain – as something that has remained as uncertain – within myself with regards to art – That has been a constant bugger within me I think since the very beginning and so there’s no other way but walking through this and seeing what’s best for myself as all.
THat’s all that really matters within ‘my’ world