Ok, I’ve been procrastinating talking about the fear that came to me this weekend while being amongst my parents and seeing their actions, attitudes and ways of existing basically, and wanting to deny the fact that I come from them as ‘the copy’ and therefore, fearing becoming them.
Let’s begin with even one bigger resistance with regards to the ‘family tree’ and this is my mother’s mother – grandmother – because I have probably compounded a LOT of feelings of rejection and general dislike towards her. It all began as a ‘game’ literally where I – a lot of years ago already pfff time flies – in means of trying to create a ‘relationship’ with her I, being in my late childhood, decided to make fun of her or imitate her or even call her ‘grandmother’ which she hates and will always get angry and think it is ‘offensive’ if you call her that, lol – anyways. So I did this kind of ‘show’ of her just because I thought she would like it and would create a relationship between both, basically I behaved like a little child with her, while being with her – one part of me literally wanted to make her laugh and have fun, because she’s always been so apprehensive and woeful etc- so humor to me was her medicine though, in a deeper side I really just wanted to bug her and the deep core starting point of this would be in a way as a revenge for how much she’s made my mother suffer for the past, fuck, don’t know 25 years? because my grandmother has been sick for a long long time, I mean, from the moment I am able to recall her existence, she’s been sick. And she’s a person that has always been bossy, obsessive and infatuated with things – lol I know you don’t have to remind ME – but I’ll get to that ‘fear of becoming them’ later
So yes I can admit that I’ve wished for her death so she can stop being such an ungrateful being with everyone that does take care for her and… yes basically I barely see her, I sometimes do when there’s some reunion at her house or something. She doesn’t go out of her house anymore and see, we’ve developed this relationship where she makes fun of me at times or judges how I look – either possitive or negative- and well, last time I actually tried to make amends with her and talk normally, we ended up in some ‘belief discussion’ because she’s a hardcore white light believer, yeah she thinks that the white brotherhood is taking care of her and she’s a hardcore believer of channels and basically believing that ‘jesus’ or god comes through this people to spread love and blessings. Yes this was my first approach to channels and whitelight and such stuff – but most of my family still believes and attends that, some are even channelers – well some have stopped actually but they did – and so my grandmother felt so proud about it.
I also admit that I have been wanting her death because she’s just not living, she’s getting worse and worse and her mind is eating her up completely, she’s getting a bit insane and paranoid and whatnot. I mean just imagine, ever since I have been conscious of her existence, she’s been sick and suffering and from what I know she began that in her mid 30’s or 40 years old – why? because my grandfather left her with 7 kids. Yes that was such a bummer for her,though she ‘gave it all’ for her kids to bring them up but in this, she completely forgot about herself and she lived in the eternal yearning for that ‘love’ that left her behind. I know, it is sad but this only showed that she didn’t love herself enough to see for herself first – otherwise she wouldn’t be the way she is at the moment.
Ok resentment comes up. Resentment because I’ve seen my mother getting completely desperate, annoyed, tired and sad whenever her mother complains about anything and blames it on her, whenever she says that my mother isn’t ‘a good daughter’ even though she’s the one that gives her more attention and does things for her. It’s insane and this isn’t only with my mother but with most of her sons and daughters. Even I bring up reactions within my mother when I call her by her name instead of saying ‘mother’ because my grandmother called her by her name and she now dislikes her name just because it reminds her of everytime her mother called her to complain about anything on to her.
Actually before begining process I would really be experiencing such thoughts of despise towards her and later on realizing – oh fuck I am merely despising myself, I am fearing myself and what I can become and seeing my grandmother as the epitome of that which I don’t want to become – yet realizing that I am her DNA as well – so here’s when fear of becoming my grandmother and parents come.
Why grandmother so specifically? Because she’s almost the only ‘grandparent’ figure I’ve had. My father’s parents are already dead and his mother died about a month after I was born so didn’t get to actually know her. And my mother’s father doesn’t live in the city and I randomly see him so whenever I see him there’s this fondness towards him that my mother actually ‘taught us’ to express to him – I dont’ know why but she’s also very fond of his father even though he abandoned them and had other two families (the ones I’m aware of- yes, he was/is such a player lol) And so I grew up with a rather ‘bitter’ grandparent figure. I was quite jealous of friends at school – when i was a child – and seeing ther loving and caring grandmothers who baked cakes and cookies for them and went to pick them up at school and, yes I remember yearning to ever desire hugging and kissing a grandmother just like my friends did. I’ve always considered my grandmother being so cold.
The time I tried to have fun with her, she got offended by it. And that was like pff 12 years ago or more when we went to supermarket and she was in a wheel chair and my mother had the cart with the things and asked me to ‘take’ my grandmother to the van so we could leave. And so I took her to the parking lot and I saw there was this slight ramp or uneven ground that lead to the car and I decided to push the wheelchair so she would then impulse herself towards the car because of the uneven ground. And I thought it was funny because somehow I had ‘messured’ that she wouldn’t hit anything, lol and she actually raced up to some speed until she was near crashing a car and so one policeman stopped her, lol. I never found this as mean but she got kind of pissed off by this and this is basically the example of our relationship. I’ve always tried to make her laugh and have some fun but she always takes it as me making fun of her or wanting to do ‘something bad’ on to her – so from that starting point, we’re fucked.
And so at the moment if I ever answer the phone and it’s her we literally say like 5 basic words to each other and I give the phone to my mother and then I only see my mother’s tiring face of talking to her over and over again over the same shit. I know, as my cousins say, she’s ‘an ill person’ and yes in a way I’ve realized that she REALLY isn’t that mean person that is getting paranoid and obsesive and fearing that people might steal stuff from her, it is her mind and she’s become a full fledged possesed system that isn’t even enjoying life as the breath because she’s always thinking and worrying about anything just to keep her occupied. So that’s why I say that it isn’t life anymore and so.. I really question the existence and ‘keeping alive’ someone in such state, barely being able to move, disliking themselves, blaming everyone else for her current state – yes and I had been wanting to ‘release’ this but I know it isn’t possible without writing it OUT literally and I had been procrastinating to even writing about it because, as I said I KNOW why all that stuff bothers me from her, because it exists within me and she’s a direct mirror of what I already am or could be if I don’t stop myself.
So from the point of realizing that everyone is innocent because we’ve all always been systems, preprogrammed systems acting out a certain design thinking it’s us and relating ourselves within such character – is the way that I am able to forgive myself and forgive myself as her for all and everything she’s done and I’ve done towards her in though and action. And it’s even funnier when I overhear my uncles saying that she’s so ‘of her family’ because her mother’s family was kind of stubborn and bitchy lol, oh dear well, dna programs you know, we know and all I can say is that I am grateful for bieng able to actually see this and know that I am able to forgive myself for all of this, otherwise I think I would be even compounding these feelings towards her or towards my entire family for that matter, because the root and cause of this is me having never ‘felt’ like a part of the family which entails certain rejection towards it and I know that it all usually comes up on weekends that I spend time with them – "spend time with them" because it is a really automated experience where I sit on the table at meal times or we go out to eat and they talk about their stuff, I am merely being the presence there and I sometimes talk and sometimes say something but yes… it has never been an actual ‘close’ relationship. I mean today my father took me to get the bus to come here to mexico city and up until now he knew to which station I arrive here! after two and a half years!! and details like that I could quote like lol I bet he still doesn’t know the correct name of the carreer I’m into or whatever – I know, not big deal but it also comes with the judgment I have towards him as being a full fledged system, yeah, like he’s cool and a good father from the perspective that he’s always ‘been there’ for us yet being actually open and communicative with us, nope, not so much, or never. lol but see, once again. All I’m thinking at the moment is: lol he mirrors you back – not being open with others around in family – and I know that much of who I am is beause of him – beginning with the loner point, enjoying being alone and keeping things to ourselves.
So.. pff I’ve opened a deeply hidden can of worms that actually had been present within me yet my resistence to actually ‘go there’ has made me push myself to actually open it up and begin releasing this from myself. Yes it seems extensive at this very moment though we have to begin somewhere –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate applying self forgiveness on the experience I’ve created of myself fearing becoming like my parents and/or grandmother when realizing that I ‘come from them’ and ‘being their DNA’ which makes me fear the possibility of becoming just like them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the relationship that I have with my parents as being automated and robotic, not realizing that it isn’t merely my relationship towards them which feels like a ‘program’ but this entire life and existence really IS a program
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually judge my parents and define my experience towards them according to what I perceive of them meaning ideas, beliefs and opinions instead of realizing that everything and all that I might experience of them isn’t real, it is all but programs as ideas beliefs and perceptions within myself that separates me from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind in thoughts of alienation towards ‘others’ specifically within my family, not realizing that by existing and defining myself within such separation as ideas, I am merely accepting the ‘idea’ of myself as ‘who I am’ as having defined myself being ‘different from the rest of my family’ according to personality and ego of the mind that I created for myself to separate myself even more from them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim being embracing everyone not realizing that, beginning with family, I haven’t fully been able to do this because of past rejections towards family members in fear of becoming them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still get irritated or frustrated at my parents desire and attitudes to ‘take care of me’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as feelings, thoughts, opinions and perceptions towards grandmother as despising her and wanting her to better die because I see no point in her being alive anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being ‘evil’ for wanting and having ever wished her to better die and realize what is going on in this world so she can stop worrying about ‘stupid stuff’ that occupies her mind day by day
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of imagining what I would ‘do’ if she actually died and always saying that everyone would finally be relieved from her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually define her as a drag
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed in such thoughts of resentment and hate towards my grandmother within myself without realizing that they have been formed according to ideas and perceptions of who I am and who she is within the mind, instead of unconditionally forgiving myself and her because we’re both mind consciousness systems therefore, it isn’t who we really are.
Who we really are is One and Equal in nature
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise my grandmother and actually reject her because of acting out as a retaliation point for seeing and being aware of how much she’s made my mother suffer because of her being rude towards her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in means of ‘taking part’ of other’s relationships and opinions towards each other and adopting them as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming that which I have despised of another within my family not realizing that what I reject and judge of another is also myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish or think that grandmother would be better dead – I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually wish someone dying because of not having a quality life here on earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for my grandmother because of thinking that she ruined her life when being left alone by grandfather
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having begrudged other’s grandparents because I never experienced a ‘loving’ and ‘caring’ grandfather or grandmother
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others in terms of experiencing family members according to the ‘typical ideal’ of what a granmother / grandfather should be
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a relationship towards my grandmother just because of wanting to be ‘normal’ and getting along cool and loving their grandparents
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father’s behaviour towards myself as being systematic therefore fearing that I probably haven’t ever really ‘met’ him as who he really is – as one and equal – because of him always being only that, a father to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother becomes like my grandmother because of me then fearing living what my mother is currently living with ther mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dna that I own as programs running inside me and the information that comes from people like my grandmother – I am able to stop the programs and the ‘sins of the fathers’ in order to direct myself and not allow any preprogrammed information to determine who I am here.
I do not accept and allow myself to continue developing and charging peronsalities and characteristics coming from my parents anf grandparents. I am here to stop what has been going in cycles for ages.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and limit the idea of myself as being ‘cursed’ with certain genes that will determine who and what I’ll get to be, within this fearing becoming just like my parents or grandparents
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still experience rejection towards my grandmother and mother mainly because I fear becoming them
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as a stubborn, obsessive and woeful in fear of becoming just like that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming as sick ‘for life’ as my grandmother not realizing that it isn’t something that is is predetermined, I create my experience here and I stop all programs running inside that determined my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be defining myself according to these links to specific people as family – the family links have been taken away, it is only up to me to finally disengage myself from that with applying myself in every moment in self honesty.
I stop all separation I’ve created in thought word and deed towards grandmother, no matter what happens, I stop the judgment and reaction towards her and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever offend her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having deliberatly made fun of her in means of bugging her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others according to what they have accepted and allowed themselves to be and become – I forgive myself as her for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as the mind, instead of ever considering stopping the thoughts, feelings and emotions to stop the sickness and harm towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up as alone as my grandmother, being someone from whom everyone else runs away.
I I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually give weight to these fears as if they are real
Ok.. will continue later.