I had kind of a ‘fleeing from myself’ week and I actually didn’t write much, I would blame taking such medicines to get that throat thing off but I found much later that it wasn’t about a specific kind of infection or sickness, but a process of the throat assisting me with pain and literally creating this discomfort so I am aware of what is sound as self expression and what isn’t – so that’s why it’s been kind of recurrent within myself these throat problems. And I’ve been staying up until much later than usual and so I’ve been sleeping less than 6 hours – which has been actually fine, don’t feel ‘tired’ or anything, the other way around it’s like I wasn’t ‘sleepy’ at the usual sleeping time. But yes, yesterday was last day of such meds and it’s all ok at the moment and a bee has just decided to enter my kitchen, weird.
So I had actually interesting reactions when analyzing some works of art last tuesday from some mexican artists that expose raw material//objects or anything else that has been directly linked with violent kinds of death. And I mostly reacted to the fact that classmates didn’t actually seem to react to this, I see how everyone – and I include myself of course – take violence as something so ‘normal’ so usual, as I mentioned to N, violence has become our cornflakes of everyday and not even these pictures and objects that might directly involved us with corpses of peole that were violently killed/ assasinated creates any reaction – and I got the ‘all is lost’ sensation because if this kind of art – which is showing the raw facts there, in your face so there’s no deviation from the ‘mesage’ that wants to be expressed, isn’t able to actually ‘open up eyes’ or create any kind of awareness, then what will? lol would I have to simulate a gigantic wave making people fall in their asses so they realize Earth’s nature and force? lol this just came to my head. Ok so I came home that night participating in fear, immediately applying to every point that would come up, I knew it wasn’t ‘me’ yet it even felt ‘awkward’ being all alone’ and fearing any stranger. So After stopping I couldn’t understand my participation within that, though I participated – yes I breathed and went through it but it was a weird kind of sensation. Once again, I really feel changes in my body when taking meds. And I went through my period as well so fuck knows what happened
Then the next day at workshop I glanced through this 1980’s book -this decade in pictures – and I realized that from this decade, things really began falling apart. Like I have the book of the 1920’s in that same series and it is really based upong the glamour and ‘uprising’ societies but this 1980’s one was quite a shock seeing war images, ratial hate, consumerism, violence, torture, suffering, the shallow world of spectacle and all kinds of polarities there. I was shocked once again when realizing that I was born in this decade and ever since I’ve been aware I know there are wars and conflicts and always have wondered why others have to go through this while I – in the same world – experience a kicked back kind of life. And just when seeing these images, or any other material that brings the awareness of what is really going on within this world, everything else I might be doing in that moment becomes completely irrelevant, meaningless, shallow, and so the same point comes over and over again with regards to me doing this and seriously doubting if this will ever allow me to stand up. Maybe it would have to be more like ‘will I allow myself to stand up within art as my expression as one and equal?’
question remains unanswered, well I am capable of but is it or would it be the best for all ?
Then there’s the porn and masturbation material which was very cool to consider and this specific conversation bernard gave/had http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=11490 which I enjoyed reading a lot and had a great laugh at the very last lines while also realizing that learning how to masturbate without using pictures or thoughts or any other mind influence isn’t something ‘that easy’ and so then I realized that I might’ve even gotten sick from a frustrated attempt to masturbate like this, finding myself unable to do so because thoughts or pictures came coming up, so I guess that energy was charged up and wasn’t released and so it got stuck, yeah umpleasant feeling and this was almost 2 weeks ago.. and from there the whole throat thing developed and yes… I think it could be pretty much related to that. And so while reading this I realized that I have feared for several years now being the object of anyone’s pictures in the mind to get them going through masturbation. It’s as if I already ‘knew’ what has been shared and developed this fear to be used as a picture or idea to charge that energy, don’t know why. Yet also encouraging such fantasies towards people that I actually liked as well, so yes. . . fucked myself by own will as well – and it all made sense after reading that, realizing that some events in my life could’ve possibly taken place as a result of such energies – I’m not meaning anything ‘bad’ per se, but I definitely allowed myself to exist within such energies and desires that lead me to think that it was ‘my nature’ really and defining myself according to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted adn allowed myself to ever define myself according to an energetic experience and charge I felt as ‘part of myself, part of my nature’ never realizing it wasn’t me but a set of energies compounding in order for me to seek ways to release that through sexual experiences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that it was ‘casualty’ that I got to be with men I wanted to be with’ because I participated in fantasies and throughts that certainly had to take place so all that mind experience could become ‘real’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others in means of taking them as a picture/idea in my mind so I could create an imaginary situation of being together and having a sexual experience so I could charge up energy within me in order to masturbate
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and having feared being an image, a picture for men so they could get themselves going while masturbating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear as a woman having been the object of pleasure, the image and picture that would make men ‘charge up’ their energies and get themselves going through masturbation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused because of realizing that I as a woman have been an object to get an energetic experience going on, being used and abused in through, word and deed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always link an ‘ideal’ of someone within my world to the experience of myself while masturbating because then I would be able to charge up the energy, never realizing this whole ‘orgasmic experience’ was created through the mind
YEs well as I’ve explained in several posts long time ago, I was very much aware of charging up the orgasmic experience through thoughts and I knew when exactly to do it so I could please myself and the other one, it was a matter of giving and taking and making the other person realize when I needed all support to get it all going, lol, almost like a non-spoken communication of ‘ok it’s about now, get your mind running!’ in fact, I can see it was the time when one closes eyes.
Ok I won’t go into deeper details at the moment lol, I’ve got a whole private file on that for myself, just sharing some points maybe you reading this can get yours as well.
After reading this I went to school and actually talked and discussed with some guys there about this – two males – and when I mentioned the fact that one uses images in the mind to masturbate they both went ‘somewhere else’and didn’t look directly at me, lol they merely just giggled a bit and had nothing to say. The situation here is that people take it as ‘the most normal thing in the world’ to get themselves going with pictures, images, situations in their head which satisfy and ‘fire them up’ so to speak. I’m not judging here, I’m merely pointing out what I see exists. And I don’t know if it will be able to stop by most, I realize it is quite difficult when it has already become quite an engrained system, it isn’t impossible to stop but what happens is: most won’t simply want to do it. — so, at the moment I’m walking this as me and I know someday I will eventually be able to express myself through masturbation, and not just do it in means of charging-discharging a system within me which, I must say, has slowered down considerably, the whole sex thing though suppressions come out in the least expected ways so we’ll see.
Ah yeah and thursday was my ‘mother’s’ bday and I didn’t go home, I am working all I can so I can get everything done before leaving in 2 months and so yes, I kind of feared hurting her feelings for not going but I would’ve done it merely to please her and that would’ve been dishonest, completely so I didn’t do it. I don’t know why but I’m getting to be much more comfortable around here, don’t know what changed actually but I don’t yearn going back home as I used to… and been actually getting a lot more with people in workshop though for example yesterday I had the whole workshop for myself and it was so cool playing my music loud and working there, also listening to the wind blowing through those big trees in the workshop terrace, it almost sounds like sea waves, amazing.
And so I won’t have school next week and I’m going tomorrow to my home city – yes, it’s becoming a bit tiring to go back and forth I must say, but I’ll stay there the whole week and see what happens there.
Someone reacted today in the workshop while I was encouraging another mate to watch those onegodonejesus videos and explained a bit on jesus camp the documental as well and this one guy reacted saying that ‘that documental must’ve been made by an atheist’ and so I realized that he had been kind of offended and so I explained that he had to see what I was talking about for himself and see how it is disturbing those kids are being indoctrinated into belief and delusion of a god which exists as self creted energy that makes them go in such ‘trance’ – well then actually said outloud as well, I apologize If I offended any of you, I didn’t mean it. Because fuck, it’s become such a usual thing for me to talk about the falseness of a god and all that, that I forget about some people still kind of belieivng, it is insame. I don’t know if I had to apologize but I said that I didn’t want to get into religion and god discussions. when will they realize it’s merely a fucking belief! not real! not lived! and no, I don’t respect their beliefs that’s why I do that yet getting into a conflict or any kind of ‘fight’ over the topic would be just supporting the world system as ‘the fight between religions’ as who’s got the best god of them all – so I stopped all that.
And I’ve actually been able to have some conversations with people at school on being the breath of life and not all the mind’s ideas, beliefs perceptions and being the breath as stopping their delusions. Like this girl the workshop seems very apprehensive and so she sometimes begins imagining continuing her work and everything even when she’s trying to sleep so that I explained she has to stop within her mind and focus on breathing so her thoughs are able to stop. Well, who knows? maybe she’ll apply that and see for herself and stop her anxiety and worry.
So this has been mainly it and I will be careful and aware of speaking words as me and not supporting the idea of me, otherwise throat will show me that I am not being here enough.