Well I’m on vacation at the moment, one week off and it’s cool. Since I arrived here I’ve been quite immersed into music. The whole weekend watching music documentaries and getting to ‘know’ people in music up closely within their original contexts – seeing how one person is able to live in complete contact with nature in certain countries, being surrounded all over by natural environments, and how in some other places people might’ve gotten to see a tree until they were 10 years old. Amazing these polarities and how music expressions develop from that. Watching both sides of the same coin was another way to actually embrace what is here. Of course we all veer towards the ‘nice one’ the nice side of the coin which presents us beauty and life as it is, yet we know that it could only be an equal world if everyone, within their own envionrment could live amongst nature as they do in certain countries
And I’ve been mostly excited about the upcoming trip we’re making and also quite excited I’ll be meeting up with N and so we won’t travel all alone to get there -which should be very cool – and yes, working to stop all expectations and ideas of how it all might be and turn out to be etc. I’ll let, we’ll let everything just flow moment by moment.
I don’t particularly feel anything at the moment other than having had a cool afternoon sharing music and chatting which I hadn’t probably done in so long… weeks maybe like really spending time with someone – even if it isn’t in the physical – and just sharing. It was very cool and yeah we’ve thanked ourselves already for that.
And few hours ago my ‘ex friend’ A called and he wanted me to go check out these guys playing in his house and as I felt resistance I decided to go, part to test myself and another part to simly check out the music. My parents complained because I was going to his house, they fear i might ‘get back’ to being his friend and all I said it wasn’t the case and left. So I didn’t have any particular reactions towards him but towards my parents because they hear A’s name and it’s like ‘the devil’s name’ and they get upset just by me wording it, don’t know why – well I bet that in an unconscious way it’s as if they knew all I’ve been through with that particular person. But as I was in his house I felt no ‘connection’ to the past there, I was merely there to see these guys play and everything unfolded just normally. He was being a control freak all the time – as always – and now that I have been away from him for months now, and getting back to see him I can see his habitual behavior, the anxiety that doesn’t allow him to be in one place and of course, having his joints to remain "here". Of course I didn’t have any any doubt of my position towards him and it didn’t change at all. I barely spoke to him because I don’t see it as necessary. Of course he kind of hugged me but I didn’t feel like hugging back – nothing really moved within me which is such a transcendence. It feels now as if I am really over it, it’s amazing! after so long and having looped myself around the situation and event, it’s gone! and well it’s not like I’m happy at the moment but I do am glad because having no inner reaction towards him or being in his house or whatever makes me realize that then all the self forgiveness towards him in particular is being applied and so I’m stopping the cycles and all which is cool. I was merely there to see these young guys play and I was rather impressed by one’s expression with his voice and music – apart from that, everything else went just ok. Saw this other guy O. with whom I had shared stuff about Desteni last time we met and he seems alright though we didn’t discuss if he’s been writing or not – he seemed quite glad to see me and I am kind of glad that he seems stable – repeat ‘seems’ but we all know we can’t really see what’s going on within someone if they aren’t being completely honest within themselves towards their own position at the moment. and maybe just pretending to be alright – who knows if people dont’ dare to be honest asnd speak
So… yeah probably very unexpected situation getting that phone call and I mean, I had declined his phone calls a week ago, three of them and so I noticed that it came out of resistance, not wanting to see him – so today it was cool that I actually went there and just enjoyed the music, nothing spectacular either and merely reassured my position towards him. which isn’t a ‘position’ anymore really, but a stopping of all past coming up when seeing him. All that was there was what he was doing in the moment – which obviously is the same over and over, even listening to the same shit, smoking the same shit, behaving the same ways, trying to give a cool impression of ‘who he is’ and such – I know him so well and seeing he hasn’t actually done anything to get past some of his shit is like remaining in idle land. So yep, quite over with that – maybe I wouldn’t have been able to fully say this a year ago when I had stopped seeing him as well. So cool at the moment, it isn’t any good or bad feeling but simply a release, as simple and cool as that.
Ok so, basically I’ve been a bit ‘away’ from the usual routine – it does feel like vacation to me at the moment – and yes, I’ll write later .