It was a year ago when I began writing in this blog. I remember being reluctant to share myself so openly within a blog, an internet site available for virtually anyone to read and know about me. Since then I’ve pushed myself to share myself – not yet unconditionally – because I still hold back at times probably fears of being too open for anyone to see but as far as I can tell, I have shared my process here in quite a detailed way.
I am aware I haven’t written in few days and well let’s say that it was oddly my ‘vacation’ week and I just got a bit out of my usual doing though made some cool stuff like some videos, hanging out with people and/or meeting new people, encountering people and basically just doing nothing in particular. I see the reflection of the moon here and it’s interesting, it’s as the sky wants to pour some rain yet it hesitates to do so.
I read something today in the forum that said that desires come from fear – well I would say desires come from the disregard of being one and equal, desire comes from a lack of, a wish to have, to possess or to name something as part of you that you haven’t fully accepted as yourself as well. And it’s a curious thing that desire is what drives human beings.
let’s dig deep. We can’t accept ourselves because of ideas we’ve formed of ideals of ‘how things should be’ – it’s amusing that probably no one has ever gotten to the dreamed perfection, that ideal either towards themselves or someone/something else in their world. A never ending quest to find that which only exists as an idea, conditioned by our minds, our mindset and our goals.
I’ve opened my eyes today when having certain post placed and realizing that I’m not fully taking into consideration the starting point of situations and events within another’s world. I see that I take much for granted and that which I don’t know I simply go and fill in the blanks to make it fit my already set of ‘how it probably works’ without really knowing – in this, indulging in another’s mind and their explanation for situations they are experiencing, without taking into consideration that they aren’t probably thinking the same way as I am thinking and deducing things. That is something that I’m taking for granted and within this we get lost in translation.
I got to share myself with some girl I just met that isn’t from mexico – she’s from colombia – and it was cool talking and sharing with another girl, that hadn’t happened in a long time as I’m usually more keen to share and hang out with males. Part of the embracing I guess, shared stuff about desteni and process and my trip, etc. And I felt much more confident while speaking about it and explaining, not hesitating or fearing her reactions on the nature of the source of most of desteni material. I mean, it’s become part of my skin in a way so there isn’t that holding back when I share about this – if the person is interested then I share, in this case she was so that was cool.
I sometimes experience uncertainty on how I am experiencing myself within this process because I don’t struggle as much as I read in others’ experiences… fear that I might not be facing myself enough and reamining in the status quo, in my bubble where nothing seems to be changing and everything remains on its track. But at the same time I know it probably won’t last long.
I see that past thoughts I created in my mind towards another may manifst after a while – and so the fucking law of attraction made it’s effect and it’s got quite a retarded effect but I feel so odd when things do happen.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually fear what I have through in the past, what I have imagined involving other people in fear of it all coming true and being inevitably dragged towards that which I manifested in thought word and deed.
And from our own creation we can’t escape, we just can’t stop the reactions towards the consequences….
A year ago i was merely withdrawing myself from habits based on stuff and people… now I’m settling myself, it takes time to disengage from someone or something – that is what happens when we deal with physical stuff and not merely an illusion as an imagined picture or creation. we make ourselves real by living out the thoughts, and that takes effort, that takes time – oh well what we use to spend our time here: creating ourselves as an opinon, an idea, a personality, a someone that claims to be someone by the mere relationship towards others – thinking ‘I am known by others, therefore I exist’ – and within this existing for the sole purpose of standing as a character within the theatre of life.
most people wouldn’t want to give up their character- it’s ‘who they are’ and hey, it seems we’ve trained ourselves hard enough to play our role, our character never realizing that it all existed merely to entertain ourselves, to keep us bound to an experience of apparent fulfillment that goes up and down, back and forth, never being completely fullfilled because oh no otherwise it would lose its charm – the apparent ride of life.
None of that was real, people. We can’t and won’t get to be anything more than who we are, because we already Are. that’s it.
I got frustrated today when trying to deposit some money because I feel powerless when not having a fucking bank account and being able to make moves with my own resources, but having to get my father to solve the transaction deal and using his card as a bridge to get things done. Frustrated because my mother said that money is a ‘necessary evil’ because without it we wouldn’t function. So I got quite pissed with that and said that’s the most horrible thing I’ve heard in a while -meaning coming from someone in my world – and eventually got in a bad fucking mood because now I get why people submit to this, because we know, they know it’s a fucked up system yet, it is better to have something fucked and separating than apparently having nothing – quite a fucking paradox we’re living eh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as ignorant for her regarding money as a necessary evil, within this getting pissed off at myself, for feeling powerless within the monster I see as the money system.
And as much as I explained my mother how a new money way or existence has to emerge because the current system isn’t supporting life I see that she just doesn’t want to listen, she deliberately don’t care even though we’all aware of the economic problems etc.
I am mostly grateful for being able to share this, to be open about my experiences and to assist the revealing of myself with thousands of faces all walking down the same road, just like those paingints I began some years ago.
And so I go now. My mother says it seems as if I didn’t exist because of me being in the computer in the dark room, it’s been quite hot here… well I’ve b een getting quite frustrated with the heat, it bothers me a lot
and yes I have to work with that as it is merely beginning :S
amd yes I’ve also felt like more out of ‘what to do’s’ and stuff – preferrably wanting to just be out of myself for a while, smiling at music and wind blowing to cool my body.
quite simple, here