I experienced a ‘drop’ today as I didn’t want to particularly go and work in the workshop. Eventually went after having had another long trip to get here and it was strange and I spoke self forgiveness in the moment for feeling ‘down’ or simply not wanting to do things in that moment, though I’m aware that I have to get things done and finished before I leave so I’ve got ‘limited time’ and I have to push beyond my limiting feelings which are merely that, limitations. Based on what? I have no fucking idea but I hadn’t felt this way in a long time, so that bothered me a bit. It was strange because someone wrote this two pages in considerably big letters and pasted them in the isle that leads to my workshop which said something about humans being multi demensional and the ‘changing times’ and our bodies being tied with Gaia etc etc quite a glorified way to say that we are from the Earth and we have to take into consideration Life. Of course the guy that told me to actually go and read that laughed about it because of the ‘word decoration’ the message had, completely unnecessary but the essence of the message is cool BUT as everyone else, they just stick to the nice part, leaving behind that which they don’t even take into consideration which is what really takes to embrace this world as us, we know it’s not about light and love, lol, we know it isn’t merely a matter of positivity – of course we all know this but I’m placing this as an example just to show how most of humans won’t dare to embrace both sides of the coin, but sticking only to the face that looks ‘lighty’ to them.
I messaged this guy that once wrote some message about wingmakers and desteni banning him for publishing that ‘according to him’ and I sent the links with Desteni’s discussion and perspective on the wingmaker’s material. he said that he doesn’t care at all now, and suggested that I ‘have fun, have a ball’ – obvious sarcasm because some people just see Desteni as something dark and something that is ‘bad’ – so it still amazes me that people are so blinded by their will to only see te cool side of it all, they all want a change as well but sticking to the pretty side of it, as if by miracle some kind of ‘shift’ was going to happen. Oh for fuck’s sake –
On my way to buy some fruits I found what i thought was a dying butterfly, only later finding out she was dead and her wings were flopping from the air passing through… and I took her home… I don’t know why I always stop to see a dead bird or dead animal.. oh in fact it’s like the second or third dead animal I’ve seen lying on the floor in these past few days.. one was like a mouse, then this other insect I don’t know and then this butterfly…. so I made a little video with her and then left it outside, ants are doing the unraveling of the dust of its corpse at the moment…. so yes this life force, once it’s gone, all that remains is from the Earth – we’ll all go through that. Dead the word is almost a reflective word DaeD, sounds simple, implicit is ‘the end’ the end of the illusion remaining as life. So my close encounters with corpses of animals are merely a part of my awareness on every step I take.
And I wrote some stuff this afternoon clearing thoughts that run through my head creating certain expectations of what ifs and then related to my situaton at school, it’s merely my creation, my mind fuck like feeling that going off to sa is just ‘around the corner’ so it all feels like ‘useless’ at the moment. But I also come from spending one week off and it’s usually a bit ‘hard’ to get back on the preprogrammed track – that is something usual after vacation but today was quite difficult for me and it’s always the same, when spending some time off and then getting back I experiment this unease feeling of what am i doing here? what is it that I’m spending my time on?
So…. yes I understand it feels a bit like being hanged, the hanged man, being waiting for something to change my situation yet not realizing that I am most likely the one that will have to set myself in motion and seeing what’s best for me to be doing that supports all. So it involves fear of being wasting my time within this, or fear of not being 100% in school giving it all for it because it just doesn’t ‘feel right’ and yes, struggling with two sides: one that says, oh well this is what you are, keep doing it. and another one that is mostly aware that this probably get me anywhere close to supporting all so yes, the same struggle, repeating and repeating and repeating. Well, I’ll see
For now I stop all discomfort and consideration of the mind as it all being a waste of time to do what I’m doing in means of getting a ‘degree’ which is a severe joke to me and pleasing my parents mostly, making their money ‘worth something’ as a title. a license.
fucked up yet, some say is necessary – lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it was a ‘low’ in energy which caused me losing interest in working today
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judgment today when seeing once again as an ‘outsider’ the nature of the activity I am performing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for fearing ‘going back’ into fear of judgement, of what if people asks or sees that I’m not ‘into it’ today
Writing it all out is the greatest way to see what the fuck is going on in those moments when all and nothing seems to move, when you get stuck in repetitive thoughts of illusions and future projections that will get you nowhere but creating more fucked up stuff to hang on to. Breathing to stop any inner physical reaction linked to a certain nervous feeling or anxiety towards something. Walking and not rushing…. and seeing what it really is to consider all life as me.