Notes on Ego – The creation of my mask

Ok first of all I was quite glad seeing new videos up today explaining and expanding some points. Particularly enjoyed those ones related to Michael Tsarion because he was one of the first ‘eye openers’ I encountered right before getting into Desteni. IT was him and Ian Xel Lungold the ones that really seemed to be honest with what they were sharing and explaining, they sure seemed to know what they were talking about. Yet as we know, separation comes in subtle ways.

Part of my ‘journey’ in means of understanding myself I got to be quite attracted to Zen and went through reading some of its history and eventually some ‘practical’ applicaitons of Zen through the works of Alan Watts – which is/was another man that certainly was an introduction to seeing an occidental bridge to understand zen and its practice – One of his books ‘Still the mind’ introduced me deeply into stopping the mind as reactions and creating expectations and not allowing myself to participate in anything that would stop me from being here – though he veered much towards the stopping without first seeing what is the nature of the thought, what is it that is triggering the thought, and how I have become such thought – but mostly stopping – within this, denying and rejecting the mind is implied.

And so this comes full circle with these videos understanding how it is that we have to embrace our Ego as ourselves – which is what self forgiveness is: seeing who I am, what I’ve become, I stop the judgment, I stop denying what is and what exists within me and then just let it go as practical stopping next time that the same construct based on the past, arises. Within this I am not just saying a big "shut up" to my mind, but I am actually seeing myself, embracing myself – the good and the infamous bad – I am both, we all exist as both as who we are – this whole existence is designed on that – we base our lives on a night and day and all our considerations of good and evil have probably began from that: darkness and sun light creating an opposite yet ‘complimentary’ manifestation within this world. What we’ve created within those poles is and has been our creation, our consideration. It’s one of the most ingrained things, to go categorizing and defining things as good or bad and all its intermediate variations existing in and between those polarities.

In the third part of the Michal Tsarion video response: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h25gBRIK0JM Sunette explains almost at the end how it is that it’s not about being neutral -which is something that I had talked about and taken as a ‘must be’ within my past findings – meaning that I saw and researched and came to the conclusion of this whole existence and the theories, knowledge, religious philosophies relied on the existence of polarity which eventually lead to embracing both or stopping both to find the ‘sourcerer’s stone’ which now we know – talking in those alchemy terms – it’s us here, it’s always been us, we’ve always been the ones creating these polarities and existing as them and now to direct ourselves within our process of stopping this mess we’ve existed as for so long, is to LIVE IN EQUILIBRIUM – ah I bet is one of the first times I listen to that word in a Desteni video and yes, I see and understand now that wanting to be neutral for now would be merely repressing and suppressing who I’ve become like setting myself apart from my ego and rejecting anything coming from it – and that IT is myself as well – so that’s why Self Forgiveness exists, because we cannot just stop our mind like that book suggests, we cannot just stop being our ego – no, it’s  a process and of course we took time building our Ego so, we’ll basically take some time deconstructing it as well to get to be undefined by such existences as polarities. Very interesting points

And well, regarding my creation of my ego I’ve seen and realized throughout this process that  yes, I mostly observed a lot of people within my world – being real or some were even people I met through TV, or some artists or whatever – and I know, I clearly know that I chose to become like them. I am even able to point out what I took from each being that I saw within my world and that I liked as I enjoyed such being’s expression and became that, formed myself as that… and eventually became the ‘who I am’ as this personality that I’ve become which is a mixture of a bunch of beings with the pinch of my own set of dna mix and ready! I was done. My creation as my personality -which oh boy, yeah, took me a while – went testing throughout my teenage years and what suited me best – and just went along that. Of course we always seek to be original so I sort of added what appeared to be ‘my own touch’ to that prepared personality mix and it was done. I mean even people that I would meet like when I was 6 years old and had seemed outgoing and cool I would say ‘I want to be like that when i grow up’ and so I did, I chose what I wanted to be and become and this was a very conscious work – I never denied it but I wouldn’t go telling either this whole explanation when some people – the kind of people that I, of course, wanted to relate myself with – came up and said ‘oh you’re cool, I like you’ because obviously if I had told them ‘oh thanks but it’s not me, it’s my own creation you know?’ would’ve lost all my ‘charm’ and the value that others were placing me according to their own set of values created probably the same way as myself. Lol, so it’s basically like this program recognition and supporting each other’s ego within similar circles so we could feed ourselves as an idea. What a trick, and we go doing this all our lives! Building and building up this idea and construction of ourselves, mostly with regards to what others consider about you, what they think, believe and perceive so yes… lol – opinions are the building blocks of illusion – none of that is real, folks.

Ok for example. Not so long ago – I’m talking about before entering fully into my process which is a bit more than a year ago, I would still be paying a lot of attention to what people in my world as the friends I chose to have – would say about me, their opinion and their thought about me. Today I am able to say that some of those opinions really shook up my world and forced me to see what I hadn’t seen until then – so that part was cool. But there were other opinions which merely reinforced the ‘how others perceive me’ and I knew that it was merely their assessment according to that particular ‘me’ that I presented toward this particular person – and I knew that I was taking that mask into the play and I was getting recognition from wearing that particular mask and so that mask was beginning to become literally attached to my skin, and eventually became the mask. Like for example when this friend would say: oh you’re like a ‘priestess!’ like he thought of me being too wise and noble and what not and so, lol, I literally was sticking myself into that pole, wanting to be all calm and nobility when being around him, wanting to be this role model to follow, perceiving myself as being able to be an actual ‘guide’ of sorts to all people that would only come and share themselves with me – of course a big fuck up placing me in that royal ass situation. And I followed his opinions and my other friend would speak about me with his friends as if I was some kind of buddhist – or literally DID say that I was becoming like a buddhist – and so this apparent almost-higher persona of myself was one of the last masks I created and designed for myself and it got really creepy when people were actually believing that. Like when i was already aware of desteni and beginning process etc, there were still some friends of my friends asking me if I was a buddhist or what was i ‘into’ and/or would still invite me to meditations and would talk to me about light and love – and so I had quite a hard time disentangling myself from that, it was the immediate consequence of what I had created for myself in means of ‘becoming someone better’ duh, here’s the key. That’s one of the points that my tree of life explained. 

SO yes I was in huge polarity while talking of being calm and noble and acting like this soft and delicate being that was beginning to be ‘respected’ in such a curious way amongst people my age or a bit older – mostly friends of my friend – that merely supported the idea of me being this kind of special being, this somewhat special ‘thing’ that was ‘awaking’ within me that would lead me to ‘save the world’ or what not. Yes I really wanted to support people but I was coming from the wrong starting point as placing myself within this white-lighter suit that would give me some validation on what I wanted to be. I created it and this is how, lies become a well treated truth. It’s all about belief and belief is not real, therefore non of our consdierations are real – we make them real by living them out.

It’s curious I hadn’t written about this before. I would usually go deep into a more distant past but the past that existed right before desteni was becoming a bit -out of reach- for myself. I was building this whole image of me as someone that almost had some sort of ‘divine connection’ and that I could read the tarot to people and support them that way, or that I always had the right answer to everything, and that I was of peace and love, and that I was this almost like pure being and believing in white light stuff and energies and powers and the whole deal… all I created in means of being someone better, more, higher – placing me as someone that wasn’t ‘usual’ but seeing myself as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ – though if it hadn’t been by these actual curiosity to see what I am, I wouldn’t have probably found Desteni or Michael Tsarion or Ian Xel or Alan Watts… So all I can be grateful for is for having stopped the delusion of it all – yes I am still facing some of that past when some people ‘remember’ that I was into all that and so, I have to now explain that I’ve gotten rid of all beliefs and theories and religions and whatnot and I am focusing on myself. Everyone just nods to that and leaves the topic off. It’s as now I have to be reivindicating my self my real self to make sure that I stop the idea created on myself – really it was going like a spiral, like if I thought that I was a being that almost resonated with light then even people would say that to me, so yes, I’ve proven myself that that which we create, we experience and eventually a lie becomes true if it’s been greatly told.

If my friend said that I was a special being because I was very calm and silent – I would create this as my way of being and supported the idea of myself which also held me back many times when I know I should’ve stand up and express myself freely without having this ‘goodness’ suit on. Polar ties are such a fuck up, we truly stick to something and until we don’t realize and eventually stop living the lie, then the whole suppressed counterpart pours out and that’s when we have a ‘hard time’ facing ourselves – although it all remains part as the process. And this is but one example of how I came to create this ‘me’ as myself. Although I never really did something that was ‘too much’ for me, I did that which I THOUGHT I was, that which resonated with who I wanted to be within a meassure that had as a purpose being an influential being on many people, being able to help or support in some way to make them see what I saw. Separation in placing myself in a ‘more aware’ position –

And well like today at school discussing some partly cool book by Guy Debord called La Societé du Spectacle where he points out many common sense points though he veers towards the idea of a ‘revolution is the only solution’ coming from Marxist ideas as labor class rising up to the power – so from that book I took some points and exposed them to the class while we were dicussing the book and I bet that some already think that I am in this kind of ‘you are the solution’ thing because one classmate was indirectly making fun of that in a way – but the point is that it’s amazing seeing how many really think that this current system allows us to be doing ‘something else’ like going to school and being concerned on other stuff, not on what we’ll have to eat or where will we get our food from – which  I think is fucked up because the whole starting point is them considering this intellectual life, this ‘work’ of building up our image as who we are is what is best to be doing instead of actually caring on what’s going on within this world with our participation. And whenever I talk I see that some are maybe thinking that what i propose as ‘a new system will have to emerge and we have to do that, we have to take responsibility’ is something that seems too far fetched and so some actually reply to what I say and consider it ludicrous to actually be something that is able to be applied. And what seems even more ‘unreal’ is when I speak of realizing that we have to change our nature because this very nature of greed, desire and the eternal seeking of power and status is what is driving this whole machine – because yes, this also involves giving up their rising egos as who they are and would eventually disenchant themselves completely from their lives. But ok, as we know, if one is not willing to see now, we all eventually will and it won’t be a nice and gentle awakening. . .
It’s actually cool that some of the material I have to read has cool points but as everything, practical application and the actual CHANGE within human being is dismissed, is overlooked, is never taken into consideration because of the old saying ‘ well it’s always been this way, we are this way, we are who we are nothing can change that’ hell it can! and it will and it’s beginning within ourselves stopping and embracing, and forgiving and walking and

breathing

it’s not about denying what we are, it’s about embracing and directing ourselves to what’s best for all as Life

thanks

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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