So it is true. When I once wrote self forgiveness on my astrological birth chart, I saw the blueprint of ‘who I am’ as a personality, as an idea, as someone that had a record kept to make as if those lives were real, to give me a purpose, a ‘goal’ in life. I remember that I saw the ‘good points’ and the ‘bad points’ and I understood back then that for me to get rid completely of ‘who I am’ as a program, I had to apply self forgiveness on both sides, both definitions because I knew that those considerations of ‘the good points’ within me were part of the game. That’s why no one ever got to be ‘perfect’ because we’ve all existed within this very starting point of defining something as good or bad. Of course, my attempt was to get rid of the whole construct of myself and start from scratch – which isn’t so really but accepting myself and directing myself. That’s why B suggested that within those self forgiveness points, there were self directive points and so it is true. It all begins with me seeing what’s best for myself in self honesty and extending that by default, by living it.
It’s interesting because I did get to the fear of ‘losing the goodness’ within me, like the good points I am, lol. Sometimes we overlook the mere consideration of what we define as a starting point – meaning, we begin with a definition of what’s good or bad and from there we’re able to twist our common sense to suit our self interest – hence the world we’re living in.
And these videos on free will, yep. I remember specifically these kind of discussions with my ‘friend’ A. when we discussed his lifestyle where ‘he did not affect anyone’ and he made ‘use of his free will’ to take drugs, to smoke weed, to do as he pleases because he could justify himself with so many points that I ended up caught in such trap and thinking that by doing so as well, I was fucking the system, rebelling against someone or an establishment by doing that which is ‘forbidden’ – never really considering the pont of free will as merely a weapon to excuse our self interest. Like on tuesday at school when I shared some points with regards to the system we’re living I said that it’s obvious that such problems like narcotraffic – which is extensive here in México and it’s one of the sources for violent acts as murders – is due to a personal need to get drugs, which is self interest and if we go even deeper, it comes from this alienation of ourselves seeking an alternative to escape this reality, because we haven’t got the guts to face ourselves here. And so, once again, it seems very unbelievable for people that the solution stands within each one. I know, I do get frustrated at times with people here, I know I have existed in this separation towards people in this place, in this country… because everyone stands by the law of being mediocre, never really giving it all to be good enough. And yes, it’s a cultural thing, it’s isn’t a coincidence that mexicans have certain reputation worldwide of being party people but lazy and mediocre. And well, the deal is most people glide along the same train and people really live by such desire to attain a certain status that they can’t even afford – like you can see people that they seem to be barely able to afford food to nurture themselves and kids BUT they have the latest cellphone available – and if we go from there, it’s all about image, status, wannabe – all based on money of course.
Yesterday light went off for long hours and I decided to do some drawings for some final school project related to what i am currently doing, tied with some of the books we’re reading and… at some point i was painting and I saw what I was painting… everyone walking through this same desolated landscape, painted in red, heads down, in queue as always … and I burst into tears because… why can’t i paint anything else? why is it always this end of the world pictures… yes they fit the topics I’m reviewing in class and yes it’s been ‘what I do’ for some years – or since the very beginning – but it seems that it was until that moment that I realized what I was painting and, just this point of ‘how did we allow this? why? came to my head and just sobbed for a while… my emotions have changed a lot since the beginning of process – like that time almost at the very beginning which was like the moment when I finally opened my eyes and just cried for hours, almost an entire day – in the bus while watching the landscape, while getting to home city, in the bus on my way home, in the bathroom and eventually in front of my mother who was concerned because she didn’t want ME to suffer about what I was being aware of now – the reality of this world I hadn’t seen before. And it merely shows that parental care which merely places attention to their sons and daughters, but they don’t really care on anyone else – in this case my mother didn’t really care about what I had become aware of, she just didn’t want to see me cry. And since then crying has been specific – but since that time I’m able to breathe and stop. Except for that day that I couldn’t stop crying and like the crying I got after this back massage and yes, like bursts of releasing something inside me. So that was the deal while painting yesterday – It’s interesting, when taking photos I wanted to find ‘the beauty’ in that which everyone overlooked, or that which seemed rubbish. And while painting or drawing, it’s been mostly always on the same topics -chaotic life, inequilibrium, disregarding life – funny how I’ve been dealing with that for quite some years now… well let’s say it was the thing that first came out the moment I grabbed some watercolors and began painting. Oh well-
I enjoyed music today and literall had fun with myself alone, dancing to all kinds of songs, watching some videos and cleaning up my house- ever since a little girl I would cherish every moment that I had the opportunity to be around the house all alone, I felt this ‘freedom’ to do and be whatever I wanted to be. And at the moment living alone feels like that, I enjoy it a lot and yes, we’ll see if being around others I am as ‘free’ as I am while being alone around my house, lol. oh well, that’s the point of unconditional expression here – that wil be the ultimate experience indeed.
So yes… just wanted to share how I’ve feared losing the ‘goodness’ within me because I have definitely always defined myself as a ‘good someone’ that wants to ‘do good to others’ lol – and yes living on the edge at times by double morals just to fit my self interst. Hell yes, that’s how this world works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being someone ‘good’ and of ‘good will’ towards other beings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a polarity construct of good and evil and placing myself in the ‘good’ side because of how I created my persective towards my world and how I created my morality according to patterns within my world as family and friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a construct of good and evil falling into the ‘structure’ of my morality which relied mostly on thoughts, ideas, beliefs and perceptions of what I deemed as ‘good’ and what I deemed as ‘bad’ based on what I had been taught by my parents and my world
I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to question the popular idea of ‘free will’ and the desire thereof because it seemed to ‘move masses’ and being that point for which everyone could fight for, never wanting to see that free will doesn’t exist and wouldn’t ever be the solution to our world, but merely emerge and exist as a point of justification to exist in self dishonesty by living self interest as that which fits each personality and each individual in this world based on ideology, cutlure, morality – none of that is real –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever deny the common sense points I saw as that ‘suspicious feeling’ I had towards free will, but gliding along with the bunch as thinking that it is cool to fight for free will because it seemed like ‘freedom’ towards this system, never realizing that we exists AS the system, we create it and we support it by simply defining ourselves within its terms and conditions, beginning with the consideration of good and evil.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being ‘an evil person’ and within this, existing in fear towards the evil inside me, fearing exposing myself as that beacuse of not wanting to lose my reputation as being ‘a good person’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the polarity of ‘good and evil’ as a definition used towards others in means of tagging and defining what I experience towards them based on experiences as ideas, perceptions, beliefs that eventually became the manifestation of a judgment based on my morality, based on what I deemed as good or bad which is a system construct of the mind, not real, it isn’t myself as who i really am. Life isn’t define by good and evil
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever place myself in the path towards becoming someone ‘better’ as being someone ‘good’ and of ‘good will’ by rejecting, denying and suppresing all the bad feelings as jealousy, possession and obsession towards someone in the past, thinking that I could ‘vanish the evil’ by holding on to the polarity manifestation of ‘good’ which was the ultimate mindfuck to keep myself in fear of facing myself as who i really am, with ‘both sides’ which isn’t both sides but merely accepting and facing myself here, stopping what isn’t best for all and directing myself in self honesty, here as the breath
I do not accept and allow myself to be defined by means of good/evil and all its forms and variations that have kept us swaying from side to side in the never ending ride of ups and downs as accepting that ‘that is the way life is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept the general idea that experiencing a polarity manifestation such as ‘good days and bad days’ ups and downs and any other form of polarity manifestation, was’the way things are’ and that no one is able to stop that as it is ‘human nature’ – LIFE as who I am doesn’t exist in polarity, life as who I am isn’t defined by considerations that fit self interest within humans to be able to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that there is ‘good and bad’ people in this world, never realizing that it is but a consideration, a definition placed towards people without understanding that they simply are, as myself, I am and therefore I face what I’ve accepted and allowed, what I’ve become and I stop these definitions and considerations which merely enslave ourselves fearing the ‘bad/evil’ side – I embrace myself as what I am, as how I exist here at the moment and face myself, direct myself.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being neutral and within this, achieve a certain status of being ‘allmighty’ as having been able to ‘tame’ myself, to erradicate the polarity within me not realizing that yes, within this I would be "living" to maintain a certain neutrality and my definition thereof, suppressing myself as who I am -as the "good and evil" – instead of facing mysefl, embracing what I’ve become and directing myself from there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life as being good and being programmed to be good and with lots of fulfillment because ‘I have been good in past lives’
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to suppress the evil inside me and keep it as a secret within me, not wanting anyone else to see what I was becoming within my thoughts as desires and needs.
I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to believe in the ‘good’ of someone
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be ‘scared’ by the ‘evil’ within someone, immediately separating myself and fearing such beings never realizing and understanding or wanting to know the root of such experience of themselves as evil
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would fear demons because of their brutal manifestation – never considering questioning the root of their evil and/or daring to see that same evil existing as myself as one and equal – but denying that part of myself, within this not daring to see who I really am and what we’re all busy doing in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience hate towards someone and deny it because of considering it ‘the worst feeling one human being can experience inside of themselves’ within that, not allowing me to see the root of such consideration and how it related to the opoposite manifestation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use polarity definitions of good and bad to define every action I make within my day, to define every thought that comes up without first seeing the thought, its nature as how I stand towards it and applying self forgiveness instead of immediately going into the category of ‘good and evil’ to define myself, to dissect and separate that which is able to ‘remain as me’ which was mostly the ‘good’ and suppress, deny or ‘dump’ the evil – never wanting to embrace myself as a whole.
I face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I see myself within the self interset I have become, I walk through it and direct myself in every moment that I see that I want to tag an experience as ‘good or bad’ – it merely IS and within that in common sense, I direct myself in self honesty to STOP for once and for all the polarity manifestation of good and evil within myself as all as one and equal.
ok. thanks. Great topics in those video responses to Michael Tsarion, enjoyed them a lot, cleared or expanded points I had already seen yet were uncertain and mislead in some ponts – like the free will point, that was right on the nail. Cool