I have been going in circles with regards to what I am currently doing in my world, which is basically attending ‘art school’ and well…
Yes, it’s not an excuse, but I do see it as a waste of time really. I have stood in school merely because I saw how many wondered about quitting school and the answer always was that we still have to support ourselves and it’s important to get a title, etc. which has lost most of its meaning to me anyways at this very moment. I know, fuck, I placed myself there and I’ve gotten so frustrated about this today that eventually came out throughout my expression and then I had people wondering ‘who made me angry’ – it’s nothing but frustration towards myself. Because I really see, fuck, there’s NOTHING in this world that is more important than this process at the moment yet all that I see is holding me down is having to go to school and do what is required to be there etc, going back and forth – although each time, as I’ve written here, I get frustrated when seeing the way school is directed and what they want us to become… etc. Yes it’s been a cool place to ‘test myself’ and yes, I’ve been able to explain some of the self realization process with classmates, but beyond that, I seriously feel that I’m losing my time there. I could be doing other things that would actually support people for real, for practical living, that is all that matters – nothing else.
Eventually the inevitable will come: the confrontation of myself having to decide. Yes, I’m so scared of having to take and make a decision once again with regards to what I have to do, where I can be more effective to support life – I have been merely surrounding it but never placing myself in the actual ‘matter’ of the deal which is involved with practicality and a living solution to support all life here as myself.
Let me place this in perspective:
First point that arises within what it would mean to quit school – all support would probably be withdrawn as just today my father came and said to me as an ‘interesting fact’ the amount of money he has only spent in renting the place I have lived in mexico city for these two and a half years and said – ‘I could’ve already bought you a car with that!’ which merely exposes his way of thinking – money is the link that keeps me bound to the family – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an ungrateful or cruel being when declaring that money is the only thing that keeps me bound or tied to my familie (fame-lie)and of course, as most of us here have gone with regards to our families: they aren’t willing to stand up, they aren’t willing to see common sense and are quite comfortable with their lifestyles, in great unawareness of what’s going on within this world. To them I’m still the bitter, the dissident. Interestingly enough I tried in the past months to glide along a bit with them, I have stopped judgment or getting angry at what they prefer doing, I tried to open up more in comparison to how I drastically changed at the very beginning of process – this ‘opening up’ was to no avail, they remain the same and I can’t see but them being interested in useless shit.
Though, I feel the pressure coming from my father with regards to money. Each week he gives it to me before I leave for school I feel ‘in debt’ – it’s like I don’t want that money yet I require it and even though he gives it without holding back, I can smell his attachment towards it and the unspoken deal within this simple fact as ‘I give you money and sustain you with your studies, you do your part, don’t let me down’. See, every time I get money from him is as if in that acceptance thereof, I am compromising myself, I am then like signing my ‘contract’ to go to school, to finish school and get the little paper and make them proud and happy parents. They’ve placed so many fucking expectations on myself, and yes fear exists of ‘letting them down’ at this point in my studies and having my sisters becoming angry at me for doing so.
Obviously they can’t understand what I’m into, they don’t even know to which extent this is ‘for real’ – nor did I to a certain extent – I bet they see it as any other ‘thing I’m into’ as if it was a musical genre or any other subculture thing like I’ve been through in the past – they aren’t grasping the reality of this. Each week I spend weekend with them I see the same old game playing out within their lives, not a pinch of change and yes I also feel isolated from them and I’ve also been the outsider in my family for most of my life – it mostly began when I was 7 years old – and from there I’ve had to live within my own world, never having any real communication with them, I’ve had to face stuff, to live things which my parents or sisters have no fucking idea about. This is cool as well as then I have been able to develop a limited kind of ‘independence’ from them as not being so emotionally attached to my family members, though I do feel like crap when they support me "unconditionally" with stuff like for the trip to SA where every member contributed with money to pay for it, and me feeling now ‘in doubt’ because of that. That’s just another way money is used as ways of controlling, family system as well of course.
Secondly is the reason why I placed quotes to "unconditionally" because once my oldest sister threatened me when I was planning my trip saying to not even think of dropping out of school, that I have to finish it and ‘give that to my parents’ to not let them down with that, I remember saying ‘no no, it’s ok I won’t’. But I seriously question myself at this moment.
I realize that I partly fucked it all up within the time left for my studies to get them done even more because I didn’t take all the credits I had to take and therefore, I am enlarging the time left to finish -which would be up to 2 years – and there’s frustration as well because I haven’t been 100% dedicated to school, I am merely going doing what I have to do but not spending all my time seeing, studying, creating, reading, going to galleries or museums and all sorts of stuff related to art as most of my peers are, because I know that spending time on this process is most important – and it also feels meaningless at times – therefore I feel like ‘left behind’ within my career yet not being 100% into supporting and giving ideas and participating actively within forums which merely creates a split within my experience as not being fully into either both, holding myself back by my own created excuses such as having to ‘be responsible’ at school and ‘do everything right’, etc – but I see no point in that, I have tried and forced myself to – but it’s not.
The only reasons why I’m still there is because it was suggested to get a degree to support ourselves here; another one would be thinking that I can create a change while being inside the ‘academy’ and turn the tables so to speak -which I know could be done yet I am still going in circles with regards to art being the most effective way for myself to stand up, because of also seeing and being aware of the current ways art is moving, going on a parallel road as this society of fame and fortune and the ridiculousness that comes with it – spectacle. And another reason would be fear because I know that deciding to quit school I would then get all my family against me and maybe having no support at all and yes, obviously creating a "massive problem" though I really think that this is my self honesty point to stand up to. And If it is so, then I embrace it.
I’ve been facing stuff here and there, but nothing has really changed for me and I think not much will as long as I remain in my safety bubble – still in my allocation point – as long as I keep walking the road I chose to walk as a program and this is what has been bothering me. And it has affected for maybe a couple of months now like seeing no point and merely wait to see if spending time on the farm and seeing what it really is to direct myself within the matrix will clear my view and make me take a decision on what to do. And as there’s relatively short time till then, I will end up this semester at school, do everything I have to do and see how it all develops.
I know that this is a turning point – it’s almost as If I could ‘feel it’ but at the same time I am also stopping all expectations and ideas of what I’ll get to understand once being there because we know expectations merely fuck with ourselves.And I know eventually no one will make a decision for myself but me. The real facing deal.
It does take discipline to fully commit to this and be walking in this world as well, to be fully involved in ‘both activities’ yet within me is like there’s this that I am fully committing myself yet not being able to spend all my time there because of having to deal with the other ‘activity’ which everyday loses its meaning to me – it’s not art per se but school. And we know that it isn’t even about art but self expression as who we are, we would even have to get rid of such tight definitions as well if we want to really expand ourselves.
So at this very moment I am feeling stuck within this, very stuck and I hadn’t placed this before because there was this stubborn part of myself wanting to find the answers myself, not always being asking for perspectives and wanting to build self trust, which yeah sometimes worked – but at the moment it is not and it’s cool as well to be able to accept this because it’s also breaking through this ‘pride’ within me that always wants to be ‘right’ like ‘yeah I might be freaking lost with what I’m doing but at least I am trusting myself’.
I also feel ‘useless’ at times because of not having any money of myself, having always gotten everything from my parents and while reading stuff here on creating funds and all I see that I have no money of my own – yes I could make some probably but I hold back within that as well in fear of what I’ve probably explained before and something that I know Andrew had been dealing with as well which is the eventual money making out of art. Such a resistance point for myself, complete lack of self movement in my experience.
It’s been very assisting – and also a detonator – to read Bella’s experience with her mother currently as I could see myself within that, I can almost feel the same emotional blackmail if I was in a similar situation coming from my mother – yes mother matrix systems one and equal – Yet, I repeat, I guess my parents don’t get the full idea of what it is that I’m doing and what I am requiring myself to do.
Of course there’s nothing else in this world to be doing than what we are all doing Here facing ourselves and supporting each other and eventually bringing this to as many people as possible – and I kind of know what I have to do as well and probably knew it since the very beginning, and yes I am able to support with what I have which is as simple as writing skills and my mother tongue. As easy as that.
Solution at the moment is self discipline to do what it is required to be done within both spheres of what I’m doing. Also stopping self interest and stopping ideas of how it would be a cool way to live this process and how to walk through it. I stop any and all considerations in my mind towards that. I work with what is here at the moment and that’s it. Yes breathing today has been very effective to not create anxiety or nervousness or general stress over this.
So I take this breath by breath and stop the rushing and inner turmoil of feeling that ‘everything is compounding’ and take one thing at a time.
I take into consideration what was also suggested to Bella, to not be so hard on myself because that is self judgment and that eventually builds up the thoughts and that’s when everything just seems to much – let’s take one thing at a moment as breath.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to share unconditionally this before but only wait till it compounded so much that got to make me doubt and feel lost, therefore, only then thinking it was time to be open about it, in fear of being going in circles within the same topic I probably exposed a year ago and seeming as not progressing at all.
Self realization and the walking of process is not about progress but about facing myself unconditionally here beyond right/wrong, winning/losing, better/worse etc. All polarities are but considerations,
I forgive myself that I have apparently inadvertently accepted and allowed myself to be creating and feeding a morality towards ‘how I am supposed to live this process’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame school for me not being able to fully dedicate myself to fully support, to translate material and to be assisting others because of ‘not having enough time’ to do so.
There are no excuses or justifications towards this. I take self responsibility for my creation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being losing and wasting my time within school
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear already having to come back after my trip and get back to the same old story and continue my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling or sensation that there are many things changing, not realizing that it is part of my thought creation with regards to what I will be experiencing in few more weeks
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlling myself and wanting everything to be ‘in its right place’ without fully accepting that there is this ‘cookie crumbling’ as the world as me and therefore, I am required to stand up, I require myself to stand up no matter what.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy my mother’s apparent strength while thinking that ‘nothing moves her’ or is able to ‘bring her down’ within this denying what she is experiencing and hiding it from others to remain with such image of being strong and immovable, suppressing what is really going on within her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to minimize my experience so I don’t have to face the real situation that exists within me, trying to suppress it and desiring it to ‘go away’ without realizing that this is what I am here to do: face myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within such pride as not wanting to admit being lost, being frustrated or existing in self doubt because of wanting to remain in an apparent stability image which is merely the superficial side of who I am, not how I am really experiencing myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that asking for perspectives or support is lack of self confidence because I’ve created the mindfuck of then it meaning that it is me ‘falling’ and ‘failing’ and therefore fearing self defeat as not being able to cope with things and sort this out by myself – losing the stability I have formed as an idea about myself
This is cool as it is part of really facing the ‘dark side’ within me, yep very much suppressed.
I accept myself to be vulnerable, to be open and to share unconditionally what’s going on within me, even if I consider it to be ‘the same old topic’ within my process experience here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wasting my time at school because it implies that I am fearing fucking it all up, fearing making mistakes or going in circles, not realizing that everything I experience is self created therefore, I take self responsibility for my creation, my fuck ups and me looping around the same situation.
I’m seeing already that people deep inside know that we are not living, that we are merely living out ideas and thoughts and force ourselves to believe it’s real, to get a feeling, to get a ‘sense of living’ though it isn’t there and it’s as Adele’s post on asking people if they felt ‘spacey’ – I’m seeing this every day more and more, because it does feel like the living dead, the living dead we are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my frustrations out to people in my world as appearing a bit ‘gone’ within myself while being with others
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame money as the only thing that keeps me bound to my family, in this I’m implying the need for them just because of self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ungrateful for being open about not caring about the family attachments at the moment, but only as a way to be surviving in this world and keep living my comfortable lie. I stop this as it is not real and it won’t get me anywhere but being hiding from myself, from taking self responsibility.
I do whatever it takes.
Viva la muerte – as death is the only way that brings everything and everyone to the same point.